Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Technology

12+

Faceless - Chapter 1

by DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza


“What if I can’t do this by myself?” Desperation had wallowed off my tongue. I was terrified. Standing there, my heart gunning a million miles an hour. He promised he’d never leave me, why had he done it then?

“I’ll be back soon, my sweet Sienna.”

Are you ready to play?

Press anywhere to continue.

. . . . .

Loading. Please stand by.

Perfect! Enjoy your-

Error 1.3678291

System deleted.

Please check out our online help tab or call for support.

tHa3k y0u

ERROR.

ERROR.

ERROR.

. . . . .

The Future

Three knocks. Pounding at my front door. Time seemed to go in slow motion as sweat fell down my forehead. No, no, they can’t find me here! NO! Panic swelled in my head as I scanned my house for a way out. A green couch was in front of a TV. Perfect. Okay, I’ll turn up the TV so they won’t hear me escape. What now? And that’s when I saw it, the guy I’d been trying to escape the entire time. Police sirens seared outside as my hands shook like an earthquake.

“What did you do with the children, Sienna?!”

I froze, numb tears drifting down my face.

“You won’t get away with this. They’ll find you. They always will.”

Are you ready to play?

Press anywhere to continue.

. . . . .

System update 1.7 installed,

Gameplay fixed.

Present Time

“I love you honey…” I frowned, kissing him on his right cheek. Disappointment drained my feelings dry. He was leaving, for another business trip, yet he told me he’d find a new job. A steadier one. One with less travel… and here I am, saying goodbye at yet another airport, why does he always sacrifice himself for us?

“You know. If I had a choice, I’d stay with you.” His tone was sentimental, a sweet smile playing on his lips. Butterflies flew in my stomach as he placed his hand on my shoulder. “But we have bills to pay…”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.” He spoke sympathetically as he marched off with his suitcase into the crowd of people. I stood there, helplessly waving. I guess it’s goodbye for now, huh? I sighed deeply and still waved, even when I couldn’t see him anymore.

The taxi ride home was silent as I rested my head against the glass window.

“Just go to sleep.” I whispered to myself, a single tear dropping from my emerald green eyes. I flitted my eyes close and started counting sheep. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want the reality of my situation to be real. I didn’t want him to be gone.

Relax, I grunt. He’s going to be gone a week, not a year… still. It didn’t make it any easier. Not to mention the children…

The taxi driver parked vertically in front of my house. I glanced at my blue jeans and realized I had gotten a stain on them earlier. Great. Now I have to do laundry. I rolled my eyes at myself as the driver opened the door. I stepped out, slowly, standing on the freshly cut grass.

“Thank you.” I sprinkled a few dollars in the drivers hand, as I sighed, walking up the grassy flats to my house. I stopped in front of the door. This was it, I guess. My home. I unlocked the door and swung it open.

“I’M HOME!!!” I screeched, making sure everyone in the world could hear me. Silence. I hope I don’t have to ground my children today.

“Hey Mom.” Thalia stumbled out of the kitchen. Thalia. My oldest child, a whopping 17 years old. Yes, before you ask, she grew up WAY too fast. But sometimes she’ll have you convinced she’s mentally still an 11 year old.

“Where’s everyone at?” I raised my eyebrows, glaring into her dark eyes. I could see the uneasiness crying from her soul. What was she keeping from me? Stop it, I scream internally at myself, I’m just being paranoid, speaking of which, I could use some sleep. Drowsiness drenched my eyes and exhaustion fueled my body.

“In the backyard.” She smiled.

I slapped 15 dollars into her hand, and trudged towards the glass backdoor. I really do have to thank Thalia for babysitting my fellow rugrats.

I clasped my hand around the doorknob and plunged it open. Peace. A wisp of gentle air blew my curly blonde hair in the fall wind. The birds chirped evenly, singing a beautiful tune. The sun was crisp and warm, and I savored the feeling across my pale skin. It was perfect. But then I glanced downwards, to see my kids fighting with long wooden sticks.

“SURRENDER!” Oscar, the youngest child out of the bunch screeched out. He waved his stick sword around, anger engulfed in his eyes. Sometimes I forget he’s only five years old and not a military general. He takes after his father, for sure. I grin. Ah, the sweet bathe of cool fall sun, yet all the chill air of winter just around the corner.

“No.” Duncan, my 12 year old kid, blatantly states. I laugh. He always keeps things so clear cut… Brown hair basked over his eyes and he wore overalls draped over a green shirt.

“Will you guys like shut up?” Sam, my daughter, sits under an oak tree. She rests her head, using the trunk as support, while she texts on her decorated phone. Yep. My 14 year old phone obsessed daughter. There’s one in every single family I swear.

I stride down the stone staircase and beckon them to dinner.

Later that night…

I sit in bed, bags silhouetting under my eyes. I’m exhausted, so why can’t I just sleep? The question haunts me as I try to close my eyes. Ugh. I give up, forcing myself to roll over onto my side. I glance at my brown nightstand, my bright lamp sitting atop on it. It’s bright. Brighter than all the stars in the galaxy, brighter than my outlook on life, and brighter than this whole world. I sigh, my lip quivering. But when the lightbulb stops shining, it’s just a lamp. It serves no purpose at all. And until it’s “brain” or “lightbulb” is replaced, it just sits there. That’s kind of how I feel right now, just floating along a string of events. Useless. Bitterly alone.

I squint my eyes as I see a wooden box by the lamp. Huh. What is that?

I sit up on the bed, reaching my arm to grab the box. I place it on my lap, and stare. It’s not unusual, just a rectangular box. But I don’t remember placing this here… Unless? Could Kenneth have left me a gift? I laugh, grinning wider than the sky. He’s so thoughtful!

I steadily open it up, as I see a piece of lined paper folded in half. Hm. Maybe he wrote me a poem or better yet, a story. I uncrease the paper and see a message written in crimson red.

‘Don’t believe your husband.’

A chill rings down my spine as I re-read the note over and over again. What does this even mean?!? He… He would never lie to me. Who put this here? This has to be a practical joke. I set it down, my hands shaking, as I dial Kenneth's number.

No answer.

I gasp as my phone suddenly glitches, and powers off. Oh my god. Turn on you stupid thing!

I feel hazy as my vision suddenly wavers, a fog clouding my mind. The last thing I remember is a guy hovering over me telling me it’ll all be over soon.

And then it went b l a c k…


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
150 Reviews


Points: 12425
Reviews: 150

Donate
Mon Nov 04, 2019 1:37 pm
View Likes
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey there DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza, Katja here to review your first chapter! Please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you deem them to be unhelpful. That being said, onto the review~

Overall Thoughts

So I came across this looking for some good stories to read and I'm not disappointed in the slightest! I love the unique style you have used to structure this first chapter- it's what kept me reading. The way you started off in different times or.... something. I'll admit i'm perplexed, but in a good way. I'm excited to see what the meaning of this is, what happened, and what is going to happen. And thank you for clarifying "The Future" "Present time" because that helped a TON.

So far we have a mom character and some weird stuff is happening. She finds a letter written in "crimson" warning her not to believe her husband. With the time jumps it makes me even more curious because she is frantically looking for her children at one point and the police have seemingly come to take her away. The chapter ends with the main character... passing out I believe and a man is hovering over her.

Very creepy stuff! I love it! A very good mix of unique and intriguing.

Suggestions

“Thank you.” I sprinkled a few dollars in the drivers hand,


"sprinkled" is an odd word choice for it's usage here... Sprinkling the dollars into it hand would be like dropping them carelessly- if that makes sense? It comes off as rude. I would simply say "I handed the driver a few dollars" or even "I handed the driver a tip". Just my thoughts.

I really do have to thank Thalia for babysitting my fellow rugrats.


"my fellow rugrats" implies she is a sibling or a kid too.... either "her fellow rugrats" or "my rugrats". Not sure how old the main character is or what time period this is either, but "rugrats" is VERY uncommon in everyday life, but that's just an opinion.

He waved his stick sword around, anger engulfed in his eyes.


"engulfed" is the past tense form of "engulf" which is defined as "(of a natural force) sweep over (something) so as to surround or cover it completely." --- It would be "engulfed his eyes" as opposed to in his eyes.

“No.” Duncan, my 12 year old kid,


No need to clarify "kid" here, it comes off as almost trying to force the idea in the readers mind that the main character has kids, but 12 year old does the trick here.


Summary

I love the story you have so far. I think it is unique and intriguing for sure. I'm very excited to see how your story progresses! :)

I hope my review was helpful,

Keep Writing,

~Katja




User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 1011
Reviews: 17

Donate
Sun Nov 03, 2019 8:16 pm
View Likes
erinr05 wrote a review...



I loved the cliff hanger.
This story's really interesting and structured well.

There are a few missed commas:

"Oscar, the youngest child out of the bunch screeched out" should be "Oscar, the youngest child out of the bunch, screeched out"

"a poem or better yet, a story" should be "a poem, or better yet, a story"

The comma in "I place it on my lap, and stare.", could be removed, so it says "I place it on my lap and stare."

I think the phrase "anger engulfed in his eyes", could be said differently so it flows better. You could maybe say "anger engulfing his eyes".



The title of your story is intriguing, which is what made me click on it, and the story itself was just as intriguing. Your writing style is captivating and I really enjoyed reading this.


I love how you write descriptions and give information about the characters throughout the writing, instead of all at once. It makes it easier to read.
One of my favourite sentences is: "Drowsiness drenched my eyes and exhaustion fueled my body."

"I didn’t want the reality of my situation to be real." The irony.
"Yep. My 14 year old phone obsessed daughter. There’s one in every single family I swear." - yeah, definitely my sister.


Thanks for writing :)




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 784
Reviews: 34

Donate
Thu Oct 10, 2019 8:30 pm
View Likes
LadyMysterio wrote a review...



First off, what a Cliff hanger! I personally love a good plot twist.
I love the fourteen year old phones obsessed daughter, there most certainly is one on every family.
I honestly can't get over this plot twist!
I also love that the message is written in crimson, it adds a creepy feeling to the whole scene.
Can't wait to find out what happens!




User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 1850
Reviews: 31

Donate
Mon Oct 07, 2019 8:59 pm
View Likes
Stellarjay says...



WOW! Your story was captivating, I felt what the main character was feeling and everything! The main character felt so real, it was kind of creepy actually. The beginning was a bit confusing, I didn't understand what was happening. (this is just my opinion) The Gameplay parts seem kind of irrelevant. I think there should be some explanation for that part. Also I think you could've added the main character's name in somewhere. But if that's not what you were going for, than you can ignore that :). But your story was good and I can't wait to read more of your stories.

Stellar Jay






The mc%u2019s name is Sienna. Thanks for the review :)



User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 1850
Reviews: 31

Donate
Mon Oct 07, 2019 8:58 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...



WOW! Your story was captivating, I felt what the main character was feeling and everything! The main character felt so real, it was kind of creepy actually. The beginning was a bit confusing, I didn't understand what was happening. (this is just my opinion) The Gameplay parts seem kind of irrelevant. I think there should be some explanation for that part. Also I think you could've added the main character's name in somewhere. But if that's not what you were going for, than you can ignore that :). But your story was good and I can't wait to read more of your stories.

Stellar Jay





Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour