The Heart Button Prologue
I've always wondered how we got here. All I can remember of life is this train. I like it. It's clean and pretty, at least on the inside. I remember when i used to watch that kid near me draw pictures of the intricate designs on the sides of the gold seats. But I like the outside, too. Even though it looks a little bit like somebody bolted together a bunch of scrap metal into a train-shape. It's nice. It has character.
I think I might be the only one who looks out the windows anymore. Something tells me we should be going somewhere, but the train just... goes. Forever. Through mountains and fields and forests. On and on. I've tried to tell other kids about my feeling but none of them seem to listen. Nobody listens. All they've ever known is the train. Eating in the cafeteria car and sleeping in our little compartments. Everyone here seems to be weird in their own way, but nobody shares anything with anyone else. Nobody really has friends here. They're all just off in their own little world.
Maybe I'm the only one who thinks about the world out there. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that maybe there's a world beyond the tracks. What if there's even another train? This is why I like the roof so much. As far as I know, nobody's ever gotten off the train. Why should we? There isn't any civilization out there, I don't think. Am I the only ten-year-old who thinks like this?
Maybe I'll be the first to get off. I think I'll go tell that boy who comes up here so much. And he'll say "Shut up, Lugnut, I'm thinking."
Because what if there is something out there?
[Go to my portfolio for the rest of The Heart Button]
Hey Dannie, I read this some time ago and even featured it in the YWS Sci-Fi Club Newsletter, but never reviewed it!
The way you open this piece is done very well; you instantly grab the reader, and then provide clean, fresh imagery. The sentences are written in a stream of consciousness style, and it's done very well.
If you continue to work on this, I'd actually suggest removing some stuff and making it even shorter. For example, take out the word "Forever" in the second paragraph. You're just repeating what you already said, and it stands out like a sore thumb. Likewise, the first two sentences of the third paragraph are pretty much identical to one another. Consider removing one of them.
At any rate, I really like the idea you have here. It's fresh and interesting, and I think you picked a good character to tell it through. An adult would come off as too pretentious, but children are naturally inquisitive and it only seems right that it'd be a child who'd force everyone else to reconsider the world around them.
What an original idea! You could do so many things with this plot..!
I love that I have no idea why it's called heart button....yet.
Just going on to read to the rest now
This is very interesting!
1. Grammar mistakes
• Fourth sentence needs a capital I
• That's basically it because it was just a little intro.
2. I like the ending of this. It makes me want to go and read more.
3. Also I think this idea is very cool. I haven't read anything yet about kids who are in a train that goes on forever. That's a unique idea and can draw readers in.
I'm going to go read the rest now!
Love the introduction. The reflection of thoughts with this character is phenomenal. I'm excited to keep reading the story. I'm also excited to find out who the "lugnut" character is. The Heart Button is also a really creative title, I think the title says a lot. There are a few grammatical errors, but all you have to do is read through it quick fix the minor errors. Good luck to you and your writing, I hope you continue with the Heart Button, it sounds like and awesome story!
I actually already wrote the full story, I just thought it needed a prologue. xP