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139,711 Literary Works • 672,659 Reviews
Hi Dannie, here for another review.
Okay, so what I liked most about this was the imagery created. I thought it was really quite strong, and just quite nice. You've used some really nice language which really brought up these lyrics. I personally don't think people used enough imagery with lyrics, but you've done this really well! I especially like these lines:
My main issue with this is the rhyming structure. Sometimes rhyming works for a poem/lyrics, sometimes it doesn't. Here, I don't think this is necessarily the case, I mean you've got such lovely imagery that I don't think you really need the rhymes. As these are lyrics and not a poem, I think there's more pressure to make it rhyme so when paired up with a melody will seem more catchy, but I don't think it needs to rhyme all the time. In all honesty, the rhyming kind of ruins the whole thing for me because it takes about from the style of it.
Secondly, if these are lyrics then where is the hook? I think there needs to be some sort oh chorus or a repetition part if you want to turn this into a song with music. This isn't completely necessary, but would add a nice touch a give something for your fans to sing along to
Generally, I really liked it. Like I said, your imagery is fantastic, keep it up! Improvements would be sort of forming i more into a song structure- if that's what you want of course. I hope this review helped, please PM me if you want something else reviewed.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
I sung this as i was reading this i really really really like this when i was singing this lullaby i started to cry as if this lullaby was ment for someone important who has died and you seem like your saying you will find them again in heaven that they are not truly gone but in your heart and that the sweet memories are always with you this is very heart touching and when i read this i was a bit sad but i believe things will get better and you will find them! in your heart they are somewhere near and never gone and you can talk to them in your dreams everyone is waiting for you at the gates
Hey InkBlot! Me again, with another review!
Firstly, I've let you know how good you are with emotions. You're really good with emotions. There. The relationship between these two characters are relatable and subtly portrayed. You make the reader care for them, which is something that is usually very difficult to do, even authors who've been writing for years.
Seriously, you blow my mind! I wasn't really expecting this, and I didn't even read the first poem you suggested... However, having read this in isolation, I have chosen to label it as a poem about heartache and loss and death (maybe). You do so much in this poem to bring out these themes. The images which you present add to the overall melancholy feeling that you have going on. Lines such as: "The night falls before us...", "In the inky darkness / the stars burn..." not only help to describe various aspects of what's happening but actually support the tone and slight darkness that pervades this poem. Your phrases were very carefully-crafted, so good job on that.
I really love your poems, and I hope you're finding my reviews helpful. Cheers!