"Madame Prince will see you now." The secretary regarded her disdainfully.
Emily Parsons nodded nervously and entered the office.
It was surprisingly cosy inside. The walls were painted sky blue and a lush thick carpet covered the floor. A roaring fire burned merrily away underneath a mantelpiece covered with photographs and small sculptures. Two towering bookshelves dominated the room. In the middle, Madame Prince herself sat at an oak writing desk. She smiled warmly. "Emily! How nice to see you. Have a seat." She snapped her fingers and a chair appeared on the opposite side of the writing desk.
Emily walked over and sat down. "You were right. The child is magical. I also investigated two others, Jacob Cooper and Ebony Fairbank. All showed signs of being gifted."
The headmistress smiled. "Could you determine their exact powers?"
"No, Madame. If I could have a further few days, I could work it out."
Madame Prince sighed. "You're asking for a lot. We are quite understaffed at the moment, you know. But I can allow you three more days. No more."
Emily smiled in relief. "Thank you, Madame. I won't let you down."
"You'd better not. You're only here on a trial basis, remember."
"Of course." She bit her lip. This operation had to succeed. She couldn't risk losing her job here. "Will that be all?"
"Yes. If you'd be so kind to inform Miss Baxter of your further absence."
"Yes, Madame." She got up and walked over to the doorway.
"Oh, Emily," Madame Prince called after her.
Emily turned around. "Yes?"
"What was the name of the girl? The one you were originally investigating."
Emily thought back. What was it? Carnelian... Ruby... Ah, of course. "Scarlet," she replied. "The girl's name is Scarlet Hart."
End of chapter
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey, it's me, Fantasy76, again to review this story! Jumping right in...
I will say, this is much shorter than the last chapter. I think it would be better if you used this as the story's prologue because we would have some background information about what is coming in the story ahead. Plus, this is short, so it would fit as a prologue.
The Positives
Now we know what's going on behind the scenes, and why Ebony never reappeared out of the forest. Though it is quite apparent that Ebony is somehow magical and could've shapeshifted into a fox, it is still up to debate as it isn't revealed this chapter. Build off of that for the rest of the story.
The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
Like said earlier, this chapter is much shorter than chapter one. It can even be said that this chapter is too short to BE a chapter. That's why I suggest this be a prologue instead of a chapter.
Also, nitpicks that aren't important, like how hard it is to follow the conversation between the two characters, but with close analysis, it's readable. And some stated information that is said just for the reader to know it, etc.
This was Fantasy76, and I give this chapter 3.8 bookshelves out of 5 (3.8/5).
-Fantasy76
Hi! Sorry this has taken me forever but I'm here now
Specifics
1.
I want to comment here on your sentence structure because in this paragraph you have a lot of similar sentences where they're all along the lines of 'there was this in the room, there was that in the room'. Of course it's a descriptive paragraph so that's going to happen but I think you should break some of the description up, perhaps by moving the line of dialogue higher and then describing that she is sat at the writing desk. This would improve the flow.
Overall
That's all I have for nitpicks! I think you do well at building the tension here, telling us the names of the other children first before coming to the main subject of the story. There's also a nice balance of description and dialogue. Not much action, but that's fine for an early chapter.
I think the chapter should be longer though. It doesn't necessarily have to be all the same scene or even all from the same characters' points of view but I think there needs to be more happening - chapters are usually at least 8/9 pages long.
The only other thing I was a little unsure of was that we start with Emily saying Madame Pince was right about the magical child so it seems like this was her idea, yet Emily is having to beg for more time on the project and isn't sure she'll get it and is only here for a trial period? Why then did Madame Pince tell her to investigate a certain child and why isn't she more pleased that Emily did and that she came back with good news? That was just a little confusing!
See you again soon
~Heather
Hello there!
Great to see a new novel on it's way! And this seems like an intriguing one, with talk of magical things and the likes!
But there's not a whole lot to this chapter. Normally in each chapter, something should happen- something that continues to propel the story on in a direction that makes your readers want more. But in this chapter, so little happens that we're not even exactly sure what is happening.
The other thing I wanted to mention is that the dialogue in this story doesn't feel very realistic. It's very informative- but in this, it is kind of info dumpy. The characters keep stating things that both of them already know. For an example:
See what I mean? The character is stating something that the other character already knows. When that happens, it makes the dialogue feel stiff and like the characters are only saying what they're saying to inform the reader- because they're saying something that they probably wouldn't need to say at all otherwise. Sometimes this tactic of using dialogue to spread info to the reader can work, but it's quite difficult to get it so that it sounds natural.
The other thing I wanted to bring up is the way the characters are talking to eachother. Madame Prince especially tends to sound unnatural. Most people don't give out all the information via speaking- but Madame Prince basically tells Emily everything she's thinking (not everything, but a large part of it). The way human's communicate is really cool (and really annoying). A lot of people speak in almost puzzles- they'll say one thing that means another for an example. Or they'll say something that doesn't even have any relation really to the thing they're actually talking about- and a lot of people do these things unconsciously. People also just tend to say a lot less in general- I mean, we talk a lot. But we really sensor ourselves a lot. I'm finding this difficult to explain, but hopefully it's coming across okay. Basically what I'm trying to say is: communication is very complex and interesting and intricate and I'd like to encourage you to play around with it! Try different ways of letting us and Emily know that Madame Prince can't spare too many people, etc. Body language and facial expressions are also your friends.
Anyway! Have fun! I wish you the best with your novel writing endeavours!
-Holysocks
Hey Dan! XD
This was quite short, maybe add a bit to it? Love the end sentence, it's awesome and adds suspense. Really wanna know more about Emily Parsons now - intriguing!!! Love the description you put in of the room, but maybe describe Madame Prince as well?
OK, I loved this! I have read the first chapter but will review it later.
Love you!
Alex XOX
@Lake @AlexTheGreat @KatieC @CarolineGlitter