Scarlet dashed down the road and skidded through the doors of Alderbridge Academy. She was late, as usual.
She darted into the history classroom and knocked her friend Jake flying.
"Ow," said Jake, picking himself up. "Look where you're going, Sparky!"
"Sorry," Scarlet gasped, slumping into her seat and trying to catch her breath.
Miss Murphy raised an amused eyebrow. "Now that Miss Hart has decided to grace us with her presence, I would like to alert you all to the fact that there is a new student in the class. Stand up, please, Violet."
A chair scraped opposite Scarlet and a girl stood up.
She was very pretty. She had long black hair and chocolate brown eyes, and was smiling in a friendly way. The boys were all staring at her like she was Aphrodite.
Jake slid into his seat next to Scarlet. "She's a looker, isn't she?"
"Boys," Scarlet muttered, winking at Ebony.
Ebony grinned back.
The new girl - Violet - smiled at them. "Hi, everyone."
They all mumbled "Hello."
"As it can be hard starting a new school," Miss Murphy said, "I want one of you to show Violet the ropes and help her find her way around. Ebony, will you do it, please?"
Ebony smiled, pleased. "Of course, miss."
"Kasandra, change seats with Ebony, please."
Kasandra Phillips, who was currently sat next to Violet, got up and sat in Ebony's usual place. She did not look happy about this, as she was now next to Darren Roberts, the most annoying boy in the class.
Ebony sat down next to Violet. "Do you like history?" she asked.
"Not really," Violet replied. "I prefer science."
"Me too. You'll love the science block. It's amazing."
"No talking, girls," Miss Murphy snapped. "Please open your books to page 102 and begin the test."
The time went by in a flash, until before Scarlet knew it it was breaktime. She got up and walked over to Violet. "Hi," she said. "I'm Ebony's best friend, Scarlet."
Violet grinned. "Nice to meet you, Scarlet."
Scarlet smiled. She could tell she was going to like Violet. "If you've got any questions, feel free to ask me, Ebony or Jake." She gestured to Jake, who was goggling at Violet. "Um, um, um, hi." he stuttered.
Violet looked amused. "Hi, Jake."
Scarlet elbowed Jake in the ribs. "Come on, let's go."
Ebony grabbed Scarlet's arm. "Scarlet, I need to talk to you. Privately."
"Okay," Scarlet nodded. "We'll go behind the bike shed."
Ebony turned to Violet. "I'll be a minute, okay? Stick with Jake, he'll show you around."
Jake looked very eager at this.
Ebony and Scarlet pushed past the screaming hordes of children and settled themselves behind the bike shed.
It was a dank and gloomy place, covered in graffiti and cobwebs. Ebony sat down on the floor and sighed.
"If I show you something, promise you won't scream. Or be mad at me. Or tell ANYONE. Not even Jake. Not even your family. Or call me a freak."
Scarlet laughed uncertainly. "I wouldn't do that, Eb. Friends keep each other's secrets. I promise."
"Promise on your life."
"I promise on my life."
Ebony closed her eyes. There was a brief flash. Scarlet closed her eyes against the glare and when she opened them, Ebony was gone.
In her place was a small, rust-coloured fox, looking worriedly up at Scarlet.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The New Hero: Chapter FourPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I'm back to review the next chapter of this!
Specifics
1. Does Scarlet regret being late or is she a little bit blase about this by now? The fact she's running seems to suggest she regrets it - is this a constant guilty feeling or just a twinge of guilt? Telling us this may help us understand who Scarlet is and you could even weave in a few more details - why is Scarlet always late? Is she forgetful? Does she get wrapped up in anything she's focusing on or is she just very bad at managing her time?
2. If Scarlet is always late why is Miss Murphy amused? Most teachers are frustrated by a student who is never on time; my sister hates it. She says if she could remove one person from her class it would be the girl who is always five minutes late as she as to either wait for her before starting or repeat the first thing she said every time.
3. If Ebony prefers science why does she open with asking about history? Or is she a suck up? I think you could help us understand this by talking us through Scarlet's thoughts as she listens in. Also, is Scarlet jealous? Would she want to show the new girl around? Does she wonder if she would get to if she could only be on time?
4. Shapeshifting, yay!This is one of my favourite magic types so it makes me excited to see that Ebody has this ability. I wonder though, why has she chosen now to share it? Is it something she could always do or something new? I think ending the chapter here leaves too many questions unanswered and I know it's a fun, dramatic place to stop but answering a few of the reader's questions will actually make them engage even more. The closer we get to understanding something or knowing your secrets, the more exciting it is and you don't want to do it too quickly but at the start when we know nothing, that's actually when we're the least engaged with the story so giving some juicy details early on can help draw us in.
Overall
I think this chapter moves the plot forward nicely with Ebony's revelation being the critical point but the characters are a it lost in the rush to get there. We don't really get a chance to meet Violet other than an arbitrary explanation that she likes science but not history. We also don't get to know anything about Jake except that he's a boy who thinks Violet is hot. That's not enough to make him interesting and it's hard to get to know the characters in a classroom setting. I also don't understand why they have a break right at the start of the day. After 'homeroom' or 'registration' we always had a lesson straight away and then first break. And teachers tended to get cross if you weren't there on time and we know it's registration as we just had the start of the day and the new girl introduced.
Other than that, it's a solid chapter. Hope this gives you a few things to think about!
~Heather
Thanks! It really helps.
This is amazing! *can't breathe from all the amazingness* Now yeah, there are a few minor errors, but I'm up early today and I just don't have it in me to be a a little jerk to anyone right now. Lord knows I have a couple weeks until my dreaded b-day...*rolls eyes* Anyway, I know that there were some errors and all but I liked how you didn't stop on one certain thing and kept going on just that. I think I really liked how it just kinda flowed together. And I'm really excited to see what happens, but what I mean is Scarlet's reaction and what they do after it. Are they going to figure out how it happened, after she changed back? Or is she going to change back and find that Scarlet doesn't like it? See you needs to write a tiny bit faster cause leaving me on a cliffhanger without the next chapter available makes me slightly anxious, but i can wait AS LONG AS THIS CHAPTER IS AS GOOD AS THE NEXT ONE, WHICH i' SURE IT WILL BE!
I am so sorry about the caps lock, I honestly didn't even notice until I looked up, and I'm sure you didn't really understand what I said , but it's fine, I haven't been talking to anyone much other than a few friends on Snapchat so I've really lost touch with my grammar self. Whoops!XD
Thanks, glad you liked it!!!!
I'm really behind on my other works so it might be about a month or so, but I will write super-fast so I can get it done quick!
YEs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>u<
Hi Dan! I didn't get the notif for this? Weird *shrugs*
OK, descriptionnnnnnnn! What does Jake look like? What does the classroom look like? I NEED DESCRIPTION!
OK, that was a bit too crazy, but you get the idea.
I skimmed some of the other chapters and they are way too short, but you're getting better! Keep up that length! If you struggle, try merging together two chapters into one, or taking a scene from the next chapter along and putting it into the too-short one.
<3 the suspense at the end! You're quite good at suspense, I notice.
Haha I love the sassy teacher XD is she based on Miss Idiot (you know who I mean lol)
Overall, great! Keep on writing!
Kk, completely of topic but WHY DID YOU NOT TAG ROSE!!!!! SHE WOULD LOVE THIS I KNOW SHE WOULD!
Thx Case! Yeah she is lol don't tell her
Yeah, loads of people pointed out the description thing so will defo get to that
I didn't tag Rose because I don't know her that well but if you're sure! Will drop her a line now @Ooo here you go
Looks like I'll be the first to review TNH (The New Hero) Chapter Three! 'Tis I, FantasyWriter76! I've already reviewed both chapters one and two of The New Hero story, so to complete it, I'll review this part. Don't stop publishing Danni!
The Positives
Like before, this story is quite polished, and nothing at first glance looks too off. A character has a description, which is good because we, as the readers, have a better idea about this universe. Good job! Also, we have the resolve to a tiny conflict with Ebony. And more worldbuilding is always nice for a new series so keep it up! And longer than chapter two? Great! BUT, some of these positives will segway into negatives...
The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
What I will state is the following:
-Characters and Descriptions (or lack thereof...)
-Ebony's small conflict resolution feat. Confused Ranting
-Short little nitpicks and etcetera, etcetera.
Random new characters are thrown right into our face like Jake and Violet. These characters (respectively): Have no description other than their gender and/or have a description but no reason to exist other than increasing the protagonist roster. Jake is obviously "the guy" in the mostly female story, which is fine. But Violet? Kind of unnecessary. Unless you do something with her, I don't like her.
Like I guessed, Ebony was most likely/and is a shapeshifting magic user (or a were-fox). Chapter Two even hinted at it. But the problem I have with it is: Why was Ebony out there at night for no reason, away from her house, just to turn into a fox, also for no reason, and go home? I mean, plot foreshadowing, I guess? But when it's this early and it happens just for the reader to know something's up, it feels all too forced. Ease it on the foreshadowing.
{INSERT NITPICKING STUFF HERE.}
I've had a blast, and next time you see me, you might see me with two stars instead of one ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I'm FantasyWriter76 and this is my arbitrary story rating: 4 bike sheds out of 5 (4/5).
-FantasyWriter76/Fantasy76
Thanks! Violet will become important to the story in further chapters
Do you want to be tagged when the next one comes out?
@LakeOfCancer @Rydia @Izanami @KatieC @AlexTheGreat @CarolineGlitter @CrazyCasey