A/N sorry Lake, another cliffhanger for you :(
Scarlet gasped. This couldn't be happening.
"Ebony?" she whispered nervously. "Is- is that you?"
The fox nodded.
Scarlet's mind was racing. Her best friend had just turned into a fox. On one hand it was terrifying, on the other it was incredible. "You're a shapeshifter?"
There was a flash and Ebony was back in her normal form again.
"Yes. I am. Don't be scared!" she said hurriedly. "I only found out the other day."
"Magic... is real?" Scarlet grinned.
"I don't know. All I know is I have this strange power, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Please, don't tell anyone!"
"Are you kidding?" Scarlet leapt up and down. "THAT WAS AWESOME! What else can you turn into? Have you told anyone else?"
Ebony laughed, relieved. "Just a fox, so far. I haven't tried anything else. And, Scarlet," she grabbed her friend's arm- "you can't tell ANYONE. Not even Jake, or your parents. Do you understand? If this got out, they'd lock me away."
"Of course I won't tell."
Scarlet's head was reeling. Were there more people out there like Ebony? Were there people with different powers as well? Were all the stories true?
The bell rang. Scarlet sighed. "I can't believe this. I've discovered the most amazing thing ever, and now I have to go to history class. See you later, fox girl?"
Ebony winked. "See you when I see you!"
The rest of the day went by in a flash. Scarlet could barely concentrate on her work, and got two detentions for daydreaming. She didn't know if she was going to be able to keep this a secret or not.
Finally, it was the end of the day. Ebony gave Scarlet a meaningful look. "Bye, Sparky."
"Bye, Eb," she said, grinning back at her.
She wandered back down the streets towards her house, thinking about her day. She had so many questions. If there were good magic people, didn't it mean that there were bad magic people as well? How would you know if somebody was magic?
She walked past the baker's and happened to glance into the old alley at the side - and stopped in her tracks.
The alley was dark and dismal: walls covered in graffiti, old cigarette ends, crisp packets and cans littering the floor, a rusty wheelie bin on its side.
In the middle of it knelt the new girl, Violet Adams. She had her back to Scarlet, and was muttering something in a strange language under her breath. She had her hands outstretched with her palms down.
In front of her, there was a swirling pillar of earth. Violet flipped her hands, and the pillar moved with her. It twisted itself into different shapes, contorting and bending as Violet moved her hands.
Scarlet gasped, and Violet whipped around. The pillar disintegrated into a pile of earth on the ground. "I- I didn't - that wasn't-" Violet stuttered.
There was no doubt about it.
Violet was magic too.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi again! This is a very short chapter so I should have time to cover it before lunch but while this is good for me, this would never be true of an actual reading book so you probably want to try and make this longer. As it's a continuation of the previous scene, there'd be no harm in just having this be part of the previous chapter. I tend to only change chapter when I'm switching mood/ topic/ scene/ perspective or when the previous one is really too long and I think my readers need a chance to put the book down.
This seems a big jump - what is she basing this assumption off? If it's books she's read then that's fine but you need to tell us that. if I found out one of my friends was able to build a time machine, I wouldn't automatically assume there must be a villain out there with a time machine too.Specifics
1. I feel like one of Scarlet's first questions should be how does she do it? If I found out my friend could do something cool, I'd want to try just in case I could too. This has been true of everything from the first time I saw someone manage to put a yo-yo into sleeper mode to even now when someone does a cool trick in excel. No matter how crazy or unmanageable it might seem, our first instinct is to try and do it too. Children don't ask if walking is something only big humans do - they get up on their feet and try. Scarlet would want to know where Ebony was when it happened, whether she felt anything unusual just before the first time she changed etc.
2.
Overall
Lots of magic! I'd like to see Scarlet's emotions more in this chapter as her world has been turned upside down in a few short hours and we don't know if it frightens or excites her that there's magic. We don't fully understand if she's feeling jealous of her friend or thinking of what fun mischief they could get up to so there's a few more hints you could include.
Also didn't Scarlet get detention? I don't know how it works in all schools but in mine, you often had to go see the head of your year at the end of the day/ right after the class you got it and sometimes would be held up a bit. I didn't ever have to but one of my friends was always getting detention and we'd have to wait for her at the gate to say goodbye/ if she was walking with one of us.
But then I know lunch time detentions were a thing too so maybe she got one of those instead? Just be sure to follow up on it. I'm sure Scarlet is used to detentions since she's always late but she should probably still be annoyed by it/ feel like the world is unfair - she doesn't get to be magic and she gets detention!
That's all for now - catch you again soon.
~Heather
Thanks! I%u2019ll correct the detention thing
You move the story at just the right pace, and this was really fun to read! Since the other review went over the grammatical end, I don't think you need more of that, but I do think you could do a little more with description and characterization.
You described Violet in a lot of detail, and I think you have developed her character well, given that it is only chapter four. However, I still don't have a great handle on what Scarlet, Jake, and Ebony look like, so weaving a little more description into the story would be helpful. Other than that, you really make the characters people that the readers care about. I just think it would be even better if you gave us physical descriptions to imagine as well.
I'm so excited to read the coming chapters and see where you take all of the characters!! Please write more!
Thanks!!
Yo, Danni88! FW76 (FantasyWriter76/Fantasy76) here to review "The New Hero: Chapter 4" because why not?
Now, I'm trying an experimental format for this review, so here's a table of contents:
Part 1: Reactions and Personal Preference
Part 2: The Positives
Part 3: The Negatives
Part 4: {THE NITPICK ZONE}
Now that that's outta the way, on to Part 1!
Part 1: Reactions & Personal Preference
This area will focus on different parts of your story...
Picking up where we left off in chapter 3, Scarlet reacts appropriately to the reveal of the suspicious fox, Ebony (I also like that name).
Here, in the second sentence, And, Scarlet-" she grabbed her friend's arm- "you can't tell ANYONE." (...) you use a hyphen instead of a comma. I think (and so does the formula) that using a comma works as a much better transition.
I didn't know daydream detentions were a thing. Are... they a thing? I tried googling, and I got a 2-star "How to have fun in detention" guide. Also, the comma is not needed here.
Now, I'm not sure if this is modern fantasy or urban fantasy, (believe me, there is a difference) so I'd like to know what these "stories" are all about.
Scarlet, here, is definitely jumping to conclusions. There was no evidence that proved that there were good OR bad magic users.
*old cigarette BUTTS
This kind of happens out of nowhere, but it leads to a good cliffhanger
Part 2: The Positives
As stated before in the reviews of the other chapters, a polished story with great hooks and cliffhangers that I'll be keeping up with as you go. Also, I love the character development. It's also nice to see that the Violet character isn't going to waste. Keep it up, Danni!
Part 3: The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
A lot of the storytelling here is telling, not showing. But don't worry, I also do this a lot. Let the reader learn and think about the universe instead of telling them specific things out the gate. You tell about good and bad magic users, but let the readers think about that.
Kinda short, which isn't exactly a bad thing, but this story could use more length. Maybe talk about her neighborhood during the walking home scene.
{THE NITPICK ZONE}: A collection of little issues that aren't too important
-Somethings happen for random reasons (i.e. Violet randomly using magic in an alleyway)
-Hyphens instead of commas
-Scarlet jumping to conclusions and thinking a lot
Welp, that was my review! I'm glad to see character development and progression of the story, but you could use some work with letting your readers deduce their own ideas about your world. Today's Arbitrary Rating is a *4 pillars of Earth out of 5* which is a 4/5! I hope you continue TNH, and have a FANTASTICAL DAY!
-FW76
Thanks! I will correct the hyphen/comma error
Awww crap! I like you were jut like....AUTHOR"S NOTE! SORRY NOTHER CLIFFHANGER FOR YA GURLLLLLL! XD Man....I feel like crap, maybe I should've waited till the next one was out....? Hmmmm.......I think I'll do that next time as well, see if it's a cliffhanger and then decide from there......but tbh, why is this so freaking good? Are you a magician with words!? You must be, cause I can't wait for the next chapter.....*whispers*hurry!
YOU JUST MADE MY DAYYYYYYYYY
XD ur welcome!
@Rydia @izanami @LakeOfCancer @FantasyWriter76 @UtterlyBonkers @AlexTheGreat @KatieC @Ooo @CarolineGlitter