Introduction
A wispy path of smoke weaved through the trees, cutting through the pine forest. The sky above was dark, but the depths of the forest were illuminated by an eerie glow. Whispers sounded through the trees, often cut off by the screech of an owl that called out warnings for all to hear.
The path led to a small opening in the trees. The edge was ringed by frosted ferns, curled against the intense cold that the smoke brought. In the center of the opening, a white figure sat, hunched over. It seemed to be the source of the eerie glow, and the cold smoke rolled off of it. The forest beyond it could be seen through its transparent body.
The beast muttered to itself words of an unknown language, or words that could simply not be made out. It sometimes glanced around, as if wary, though for most of the time it kept its gaze on the cold forest floor.
Very few dared to roam the forests at night, as the cold chilled their bones and the whispers scared them silly. The beasts that wandered the forest at night were the most terrifying of all, as they would stare at you in a dead-eye way. Some even attacked… some humans even vanished.
The night was the time these beasts came out, as they must have thought that the darkness would hide them best-- or perhaps they themselves do not want to be seen by humans who roam the day. Self-pity and remorse are the strongest feelings that fill their hearts.
The beast that sits before you feels much distress. It is being hunted and it very well knows that. But it also knows that it has done wrong and that is why it is still here and being hunted.
A soft crunch in the frosted grass nearby set the beast’s nerves on end. It let out a blood-curdling howl, standing up. The ghastly figure looked around wildly, claws hooking out into the air as if to catch something.
There was only silence after that, as it stood in wait. All whispers had silenced, the owl gone. Not even the gentle sound of the breeze could be heard.
The silence remained for a good minute, until a second soft crunch. The beast slowly turned it’s eyes in that direction. Another figure, darker.. not transparent. Human.
“Hunter…!” The voice was torn, ringing in an uncanny way. It almost sounded robotic in a way. The beast lunged forward, claws reaching for the human.
Only a hair away…
The beast suddenly screamed at the same moment as a loud bang. The beast seemed to be torn apart by invisible claws and then it vanished, the human unharmed.
“Cursed ghost,” growled the voice of the one who had dealt the ending blow.
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138,198 Literary Works • 672,081 Reviews
Hello and welcome to YWS! I loved the atmosphere of this. A foggy forest is lovely, eerie, beautiful imagery. Especially with a ghostly white figure... it all fits together so well to create a strong sense of atmosphere and setting.
One thing to watch out for is word repetition. For instance in the first paragraph "through" is used three times. Eerie is used twice close together, so it stands out. "The beast" is used a lot, though admittedly that's harder to avoid.
You may want to dedicate some time to deciding what you want to do with point of view. Do you want this piece to follow a particular character, be distant but able to see into everyone's heads, or talk to the reader? Addressing the reader as "you" is usually frowned upon because it breaks the fourth wall, which can jolt someone out of the story, but if you wanted to be daring you could always try and write the whole story that way. I found most of this chapter to have a lot of narrative distance; it's not deep inside anyone's heads, but rather gives a factual account of the situation. Personally when I read, I'm looking for something to get emotionall invested in, so I prefer things with very little narrative distance. That is, I like following along the character's train of thoughts, reactions, and feelings, so I can feel it all along with them. It all depends on what kind of story you want to present.
I wouldn't mind a little more description of the beast. I know that it's a figure and it has claws, but that's not enough for me to picture anything. Does it have clothing or cloth around it? How big is it? Does it stand on two or four legs? Does it have a beast-like face with a muzzle and sharp teeth that are visible at a distance, or something more humanoid?
Personal taste again, regarding this bit: "Very few dared to roam the forests at night, as the cold chilled their bones and the whispers scared them silly. The beasts that wandered the forest at night were the most terrifying of all, as they would stare at you in a dead-eye way. Some even attacked… some humans even vanished." To me, this is more telling than showing. It informs me about the situation in the forest. If it were me, I would go for something more in the moment to help bring that forest to life. Like instead of saying that the beasts are terrifying, I would try to describe a creature in a way that sounds terrifying, without ever actually typing the word "terrifying." I might describe it moving through the fringes of the clearing--something the figure in white notices but ignores, maybe. Some dark evil with cold eyes, or whatever.
Great starting point and keep it up! Thanks for sharing
Hello Dangerousoverlord!
First of all: Bravo! The whole story I couldn't help but smile at how great and terrifying this was. The whole story made me shiver and happy. A very twisted feeling, I knowing.
A few small things I would like to point out.
"and the whispers scared them silly." When you said silly, I was broken out of this trance I was in. The whole word silly, is too childish. Try a different one like, dead, dead might be too cliche, but I bet you can come up with something great.
"Some even attacked… some humans even vanished." Give me more, attacked? Do they ever come back? Do they find dead bodies? More!
"The night was the time these beasts came out, as they must have thought that the darkness would hide them best-- or perhaps they themselves do not want to be seen by humans who roam the day. Self-pity and remorse are the strongest feelings that fill their hearts." This was perfect. Nothing more said or needed.
" But it also knows that it has done wrong and that is why it is still here and being hunted." Maybe give an idea why its being hunted, but that isn't very important. Just a sugestion.
For the rest, great job! Never stop writing. You are great at it.
Hi, Hunith here
I'd like to commend you on this work, t'was almost flawless...
i liked the smooth flow of your narration, and how each action eased into the other.
your presentation is also pretty good and easy to read. and that's a plus
I like your style
However( cos its a review i gotta do this. huuu ) alright here we go
considering your first paragraph;
"but the depths of the forest were illuminated by an eerie glow."
you made mention of an eerie glow
then in the next you repeated it again in this format;
"In the center of the opening, a white figure sat, hunched over. It seemed to be the source of the eerie glow,"
I think that wasn't necessary, you had already stated that the glow was eerie, so in my opinion, it would have been better if you had just used glow without the adjective eerie.
so that it would appear as;
"but the depths of the forest were illuminated by an eerie glow."
"In the center of the opening, a white figure sat, hunched over. It seemed to be the source of the glow."
All the same, i'll say good job. You re a great writer. Waiting for more epic scenes.
Hunith
Hey DangerousOverlord,
--ok, so one small problem with this sentence... by adding 'pine forest' after 'trees' it just seems really redundant. My suggestion would to cut out ' ...the trees, cutting...'.Myjaspercat here for a review...
Ok, so the first paragraph overall needs a little work. The description seems a bit stressed and still a little underdeveloped. No offense, but a little childlike.
---This is ok, but it feels more like an info dump maybe you could change the description a little to make it better.
---again, like with what I said above, this seems like an info dump.
Ok, so let me elaborate for a second, info dumps drag down your story because they are boring and lack the enticing detail. Therefore, we are led to the whole show don't tell thing... Which, if you don't (even if you do) i'm going to say a little about that.
Why is showing better? Two reasons. First, it creates mental pictures for the reader. When reviewers use terms like "vivid," "evocative," or "cinematic" to describe a piece of prose, they really mean the writer has succeeded at showing, rather than merely telling.
Second, showing is interactive and participatory: it forces the reader to become involved in the story, deducing facts for himself or herself, rather than just taking information in passively
Anyways, this is all I have to say for now.... If you have any questions feel free to ask. Have a nice review day.
It might seem childlike because I am a child. ^^'
Hey there! Welcome to YWS.
I'm Night, here for Review Day.
This is an interesting introduction. I felt that you did a decent job of avoiding info dumping, and easing the reader into the setting and, more quickly, the plot. You did a great job of leaving lots of questions in my mind, such as, "What are the beasts, really? Why did the human call it a ghost? Where are we? What kind of world is this?" This is great for an introduction, as it makes me want to read on. I found the writing style interesting and the plot intriguing. Congrats on that.
Now for some nitpicks.
The beginning of this sentence is awkward. The reader can infer that because the monster is speaking in an unknown language, words are involved. Because of this, I'd suggest removing the "words", so that it reads instead as:
Of course, this is up to you, but I felt that it made the sentence run more smoothly.
First sentence: So this is in second person point of view? You refer to the reader as if you are speaking to them ("stare at YOU"), but for most of the story you treat it as third person POV. I would determine which POV you want to write in, and stick with it. This avoids confusion in the future.
Also, who is roaming in the night, spotting monsters? Surely not me, the reader. This is why second POV was confusing in the sentence. It could easily be changed to "as they would stare at any poor passerby in a dead-eye way". You see? It doesn't target the reader as the victim to the beasts, and it still makes sense.
Second sentence: I would personally get rid of the ellipses. A comma could easily take its place, and currently I feel that it makes the sentence sound like an afterthought. Also, the way it is worded is confusing. The first half refers to the beasts as "some", but the second half refers to the humans as "some". This is unclear and should be clarified.
I would also like some detail on what it means for the humans to vanish. Did they die horrible deaths? Did they become beasts themselves? Remember, the reader doesn't know anything about this new world you have created. Make it very clear as to what is happening, because in fiction, anything can happen.
Again with the second person POV. If the reader isn't going to be included in the narration later on, don't include them at all.
I would cut down on the "and's". This sentence is a run-on and needs to be clearer for the reader. I also just noticed that this sentence is in present tense, while the majority of your intro is in past tense. I'd suggest picking a Point of View and a tense, then remember to stick to them strictly.
It's to its.
Because this doesn't have three periods consecutively, it is not an ellipses. I would personally say that a comma would be better instead of an ellipses, because I feel that ellipses make a sentence trail on and seem less permanent. So instead of this, it'd be "Another figure. Darker, not transparent."
I feel that this gives it the same drama and tension, but without the lingering afterthought an ellipses gives.
I really liked the end. I felt that it ended with a short, concise statement that left a lot of questions in the readers' mind. So great job with that!
Overall, I think that the story itself is very interesting, and simply needs better technical execution. I think you definitely have the skills to do it, and I hope that you keep trying and let me know when the next chapter comes out!
Keep writing and being amazing! Happy Review Day!
~Night
Hey there, yizhongt here giving a review on this lovely review day.
Well let me just start by saying that I really enjoyed the story you have written. The description you gave the forest was excellent in my opinion. I actually wished I could write a description of a dark forest as well as you have for my own story actually.
I did not find any spelling mistakes in the story. However there was one mistake in the end. You wrote “Cursed ghost.” Growled the voice of the one who had dealt the ending blow. I think it should be "Cursed ghost," growled the voice.... instead.
Honestly I have nothing negative to say about this piece. I liked reading it and would love to see where this goes.
Keep on writing. Cheers !!
Thanks! I'll fix that..