Published June 2, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
"What if we just pretend my rose let’s just try, “the voice behind the bolted door droned on, “please my small rose, all I want to do is play..."
As I listened the buzzing sounded and a shriek sounded from the room as blood slowly leaked out from under the door, he was gone, the child that could think someone to death, no other way to save him. If he would have lived he would have had to have stayed in that room with that horrid helm over his eyes and died that way. My name is Stacie and I am a prisoner at The House of Dark and I have been here for three years. I have seen and heard more deaths than a child of my age should ever have to. Why am I here? I still don't know the doctors all come in and pat my head and tell me I will know when I’m older. I always want to stand and scream, ‘I’m 17 how old do I have to be to know why my mom was forced to put me here and why do they always ask what did I see when I stop and watch the wall as if a movie has switched on inside my head.’ This is the story of my life after everything was taken away hope you’re ready.
"NO! I don't want to be here I don't! Let me go!"I screamed as the two men in white carried me in to the large padded chamber. I didn't want to be in here I wanted to be home with my mom and Mike. I hated my step-dad, but I would have given anything for him to hold me like he had when I was three, I wanted Salem and I wanted the lavender air that's always around my best friend Jin, did he even miss me, did he know where I was? I missed him so much the last time I saw him was the Saturday that I was sent to The House of Dark, we had been at the mall like always on boyfriend watch when the men in suits surrounded us and we were taken to security. What had we done? We had shopped nothing wrong with that right? But when we got there Mike was standing there looking just as confused as we felt. They sent Jin away and took me into the small room where strange things started to happen. First the fat guard changed from man to a tiger and back again, why me why did it have to be me I wanted to be a normal teenager my grandmother’s family had had the ability to see strange things and now I had been marked.
I now sit in that little room where I've seen so many kids go into and never walk out. Are my powers dangerous? I sit in the corner waiting for that sound, the buzzing then screaming, but it never happens. "Hello...can anyone hear me? Hello?" My voice sounds younger and somehow higher than normal, “Please someone answer me! I don't want to be in this room! I want out!"
The yard, or so they call it, is a medium sized fenced in area that they let few or us out at a time so that we can stretch out legs and see that we are still on Earth. Guards always sit out here with me and look scared, afraid that I might hurt them. I won’t hurt them I can only see the things they fear. Like the fat man that always messes with us during meals, he fears his wife and daughter for he does things to the poor girl. He wants no one to know of it. I always tease him about some of the girl’s nice asses and watch as he stares at them like he’s a dying man who has found water. The dark skinned guard only fears me and the boy with flaming hair; for he thinks we are going to gang up on him and suck his soul from him. Haha he makes me laugh .For he jumps every time with when I breeze past him for I am always so silent.
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137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
This is very good. It kept me interested till the very end. But like Mardehoward said, I'd be careful with the quotes. But overall, this story is very entertaining, and I would love to read more of it.
I love this. It's great, though I would be a little more careful with the quotations. I would love to keep reeding. Keep up the good work!
Hi, so amazing story so i'll just jump right in.
I love your first bit so much.
"What if we just pretend my rose let’s just try, “the voice behind the bolted door droned on, “please my small rose, all I want to do is play..."
Wow. This first part is amazing, it would make anyone want to read on. I defiantly wanted to read on. The plot is amazing and i love Stacie, i think she is an amazing character. So well done on creating her. She is a well written character as is the majority of this story it's all well set out. However there are some-things that can be improved. (only two so don't worry.)
1) "We had shopped nothing wrong with that right?" This is fine but what i would do is put some coma's in. "We had shopped, nothing wrong with that, right?" It basically means the same thing but it adds punctuation and lets the reader take a breath.
2) I really like the last paragraph, it adds more detail and actually tells you what her powers are, or one of them at least. However i would create a cliff hanger. It helps with the mystery aspect of every story. It also makes sure that the reader reads on to find out what happens or why it happened.
Other than that it is an amazing story, well done. Can't wait to read more. Good luck with it. And i hope to hear more from you in the future
Hello,
So, you most definitely have an interesting concept, and I'm curious to see where you end up taking it. It's chilling to think about - like something out of Criminal Minds (which is one of my favorite TV shows). I do think, however, that you could develop this. A piece such as this should be emotional and heart-pounding. I should connect with your characters and the conflict that they're facing. As it stands, now I don't.
And it's because you tell instead of show. I realize that this is very tired advice, but a statement will be much stronger if it shown. Consider a news story. You could say "five people died in a fire yesterday" and you would get a sense of how horrible it was, but unless you saw the news story on TV, saw the pictures of the victims, saw the rubble of the building that was-well, the latter has a lot more impact. It's the same in writing. Instead of saying that "this is the story of my life", "this happened to me" "I'm frightened because I've seen horrible things" show us.
Don't cram all of your exposition into one paragraph; make it occur naturally in the story. bring us into the action. Describe what the house is like; maybe even have the narrator actually witness a death. These are just ideas, but try to bring us into the action, make us feel like we're there, and it will be a lot stronger. Your ideas are good, but you just have to develop them.
Best of luck!
Great style, and I love the way you are making the story flow. I would re-read your entry and go through some minor grammatical errors (they are so annoying, I know). Pay special attention to your quotations, but keep up the good work. Great idea, and I like the originality behind it all. Please continue to write, would love to read more of your work. As always, good luck to you and your writing.