On days coated with
Condensed reality –
Perception sheds tears
For a vision abandoned.
As wilted green and
Broken earth are reinvigorated,
Beauty! – do we behold
As lost life is revived
And tears permitted to fall freely
Shielded by the boon of lost vision,
Our souls sway to the pitter-patter
That heralds joy.
Relief, temporary it may be –
Renders hearts and souls
Equipped for a world dripping pain.
A drizzle and a few raindrops
Do we wish for,
To ease this facile sorrow
That we host quotidianly.
Thoughtfully yours,
D
Originally published on Random Specific Thoughts (my blog)
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
This is Coffee leaping out of a mug and leaving a review.
First of all, I picked to review this because I have a soft spot for rain poetry. I'll just get that off my chest immediatley.
First impression: Wow factor, you caught me offgaurd. I really think my favorite lines are the opening two, because they catch a new perspective on rain for me. However, it really took two reads to get the full feeling of the poem. There was a bit of jargon that I didn't fully understand until I researched it. The word "quotidianly" rarely comes up in conversation haha, and then the reverse ordered sentences took another read to make sense. Aside from that, on the second read I was pleasantly rewarded. Back to those two lines:
"On days coated with
Condensed reality –"
I like the pentameter they have, it really sets the poem's tone. Reading the rest is just satisfying; in the way that peeling a sticker is satisfying, it feels complete by the end. I like how the voice of the poem seems to swell first with awe, and then a somber meloncholly feeling. It lets you down softly, but in the same way real emotions do; like a flight of steps you bump down one at a time.
Seeing the word abandoned followed so closely by reinvigorated is also just very wholesome for some reason. <3
Anyway I hope this was in some way helpful as I dont review very often and am in no way a proffessional. XD Have a nice day/night and keep writing. <3
This is coffee, hopping back into the mug. XD
Haha, you and me both! Any piece revolving around rain is just lovely to read.
Wow, thank you so much! I rarely use 'quotidian' in conversation but I use it quite a bit in writing, haha! Aw, that's such an interesting way to describe the reading, I'm glad you found it satisfying!
That's a good analogy - I think rain can be interpreted in so many different ways and it makes me happy to hear you found the transitions emotive.
Haha, I get what you mean!
It absolutely was! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review!
haha thank you for writing
Of course!
Hey D! Trinity here!
I just wanted to stop by and say i really loved this poem! I'm going to try to give you a full review tomorrow. But for now,
Keep up the good work!
Hey Trinity!
Thank you so much! That's fine - please take your time! Thanks again!
Hiya D! Congratulations on your first literary work on YWS
I think my first impressions of this poem can be summarised as: it was unexpected. When reading the title “Pitter-patter”, I was anticipating a more whimsical, child-like poem, I think because that’s what I associate with onomatopoeia. I didn’t expect to see word choices like “quotidianly”, or the sort of Shakespearan, old-fashioned word order as in “a few raindrops do we wish for” instead of “we wish for a few raindrops”. (I think it’s called inversion?) At first, I experienced some difficulty in reading it. But I was still eager to read on.
Language and Imagery
What I notice most about the first stanza is that there are a lot of abstract nouns, which make the speaker’s tone seem very philosophic and maybe even brooding.
Yet “coated with” gives a bit of physicality to the lines. On a second read, I started to imagine some water imagery here, because of words like “condensed” and “tears”, which make me think of moisture and rain. (Which is really neat and subtle, since that is the main subject of the poem!)
I think these lines contain my favourite images. I like that you wrote wilted “green”. The colour green makes me think of vividness and life, so it almost foreshadows that the plants will be “reinvigorated” in the next line. “wilted green” also brings to mind a specific picture of a plant stem bent over. Likewise, “broken earth” makes me think of dry, cracked ground.
I get the sense that these two lines are important, because they bring back the “tears” and the “lost vision” from the first stanza, but I’m not sure how they connect to the rest of the stanza they’re in. Who or what is crying? Who abandoned their vision? Is it the speaker(s)? Somehow the passive construction of the lines here (like tears permitted, instead of (someone) permits tears to fall) leaves it a bit ambiguous. That could be purposeful, though, I’m just mentioning how I read it here.
I really like the language in this line. “souls sway” has some nice alliteration/sibilance, but the personification of the souls as dancing as well paints a vivid and interesting picture.
Subject and Meaning
Broadly I think this poem is about hopelessness vs. hope. The situation in the beginning is one of hopelessness, where words like “reality” and “vision abandoned” give me the impression that the speaker(s) are maybe losing hope that a dream will be fulfilled.
The exclamation “Beauty!” makes me think that the speaker(s) has discovered a moment of something positive, maybe a sign that things will go well after all, and that makes them more hopeful, as is symbolised by the coming of the rain.
This stanza states explicitly that the rain won’t last forever, but that it strengthens the speaker(s), which further makes me think that this poem is primarily about hope, rather than say, a practical nourishment or help.
These last few lines are pretty interesting. “facile sorrow” and “quotidianly” seem pretty different from the “vision abandoned” that appeared in the beginning, which seems comparatively more intense. Maybe this stanza expands the meaning to even more everyday miseries?
Overall
This was an interesting poem to dig into. I like that the rain motif is carried on throughout the poem, as it makes it unified, and makes meaning quite easy to perceive from it. The language gives it an interesting and unexpected style, but once I got used to it, I managed to ‘get’ the poem. The things that were most memorable were probably the “wilted green” image and the suggestions of rain imagery throughout.
Feel free to let me know if you’d like more feedback, or if something I said was unclear!
Hope some of these comments are helpful, and keep writing!
-Lim
Hey Lim, thank you!
Aw I apologise for the difficulty and appreciate the fact that you read on! I enjoy experimenting with word orders and synonyms - this poem was written in response to the prompt 'rain'.
Wow, you've done quite the thorough analysis! This was more of an impulsive write so it feels interesting to read your interpretation which for the most part aligns with what I meant. I'm glad you liked the imagery there!
That's a lovely observation! Initially, I meant that people find it liberating to cry when it's raining because the rain obstructs vision and no one can see you crying, hence the lost vision. I meant it more as a nod to the liberating nature of rain.
That's an interesting conclusion! I suppose it could be about hope when perceived like that! I love how you've elaborated on your inferences quoting your references - thanks so much!
Everyday miseries is one way to put it! When I wrote this poem, I wrote it from the perspective of someone who loves rain and rainy days, so it was just an umbrella conclusion on my part that rain would help me cope with life, in general. But I think I like your interpretation more!
On the contrary, I think this was a wonderfully structured review! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your interpretation of it!
They absolutely were! Thank you so very much, Lim!
No need to apologise for a poem being difficult, D!
Sometimes difficulty is good in a poem. I just mentioned it in case that was your intention, to make it a bit of a puzzle. c:
It's interesting to hear the origin of the poem! It's pretty well-polished for a poem that was written quickly based on a prompt. I enjoyed reading about your intentions - thank you for sharing. :3 "the liberating nature of rain" is a really fascinating idea.
Hi, so first, welcome to YWS! I hope you're having a fun time looking around and figuring out how everything works (feel free to ask me if you have any questions! Anyways, I'm Avis and I'm here to give a review!
I really liked this and it was really beautifully written. Firstly, your word choice was incredible. I personally struggle with using complex words in my writing, but you did a great job with "quotidianly" and "reinvigorated." I also think you did a great job with punctuation, it really stood out and helped emphasize certain parts and even influenced the mood of the poem (like at "Beauty!". One thing is that you have a period at the end of every stanza except the second one (the period is at the first line of the next stanza), so you might want to make it a bit more consistent. It was a little confusing to read since the thought was broken up between stanzas, which usually act as seperators.
Meaning-wise, I really liked it. I can't say I totally understand all of it, but I love how you transformed rain into so much more. Rain seems like a simple, everyday occurrence, but you made it a symbol, and you were able to weave so much emotion into this.
Overall, this was beautiful and I hope to see more from you soon! Have a nice day/night/whatever-time-it-is-where-you-are! ^-^
@Avis
Hey, thanks so much! I sure am - this is such a lovely community!
Glad to meet you, Avis! I'm D!
Aw thank you! I'm so humbled you think so - I struggle with the same too, it feels nice to experiment with new words and emotions. Ooh thank you! I love using semicolons a bit too much!
Ah, thank you so much for the feedback - I so appreciate it! I'll keep that in mind.
Aw that's kind of you to say! I do love rain so it felt really lovely to write this after a friend gave me the prompt - "rain".
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a kind review! You too!
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! And welcome to YWS!! I hope you enjoy it here! I'm currently a retired mod, but if you have any questions about the site, feel free to ask me or someone with a green username!
I loved this poem! I think you did a marvelous job of describing the calming and more charming parts of rain. You used lots of rich vocabulary along with nice amounts of figurative language. I loved your focus on the onomatopoeia of "pitter-patter" throughout the poem; those sounds are always so nice to have in such close proximity, and it gives your poem a charm and daintiness it wouldn't have otherwise. Great job!
One thing I really enjoyed was your word choice. It was so deep and complex. I thought it was interesting when contrasted with your fairly simple subject matter: rain. It reminded me a lot of a poem I would read for an English class, with lots of rich imagery and a subject regarding nature. I think it was really well crafted. The language also gave the poem a melancholy feel to it while still acknowledging the beauty of the weather, something I also really enjoyed.
One thing I did wonder about was your line breaks and where you chose to begin and end each stanza. I think this was especially noticeable between your second and third stanzas. Starting your third stanza with "that" makes it seem like you have a very awkward pause in your thought that extends between the two stanzas, and it creates a break in the overall very lovely flow of the poem. I think it would be better to say something like "heralding joy" or something else along the lines of that.
Overall: nice work!! Other than that minor thing, I think you did a great job of conveying the duality and beauty of rain. It was a very lovely read, and I hope to read more of your poetry on here soon! Until next time!!
@Plume
Hey Plume, nice to meet you! Thanks so much! Actually, I was wondering if there was any way to edit a portfolio post after it's been published. I noticed this poem lost a bit of it's formatting when I pasted it from my blog.
Wow, I'm so humbled to hear that! I feel like rain while it brings joy and sorrow on so many levels has a way of making sad seem beautiful?
Yes, I noticed that after another writer pointed it out. 'That heralds joy' was supposed to be the last line of stanza 2 (Our souls sway to the pitter-patter that heralds joy). Thank you so much for your feedback on it - I so appreciate it!
Thank you so much!
Never mind, it was in plain sight all along, haha! Sorry for the inconvenience!
-D
No worries! Feel free to reach out on my wall or through PM if any other questions come up!!
Thank you, Plume!
I enjoyed the poem.I thought that it was beautiful and relatable.Sometimes,the soft pitter-patter of the rain is all that we need.Especially if you have nice book next to you.I myself enjoy listening to the rain.I do like to read and write,too.But that’s beside the point.The poem gives off a relaxed vibe.Good job! I hope you have a nice day/night!
@vampricone6783
I'm so glad you did! Thank you!
Absolutely!! I do love cuddling up with a book and a hot drink while it pours outside. We do seem alike in that sense, I love how rain sounds and feels!
You too!