A deep rumbling starts in the ground,
fear washes over everyone.
Feet are not fast enough to carry us,
as we start to rush away terrfied.
Smoke starts to rise from the peak,
rocks begin to tumble to the ground.
Coming toward us at full speed,
we attempt to dodge them unsuccessfully.
Dark red fire darts through the air,
streaked with copper orange.
Tears slide down my cheeks,
my heart racing and speeding up.
Like fireworks through the air,
there is no noise but the silence is louder.
The fire sparkling against the pitch black sky,
just orange and black.
Fear and beauty,
Agony and exhilaration.
The incredibly beautiful sight,
stays in my mind for one thousand years.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,606 Literary Works • 675,134 Reviews
Hi!
I think that this piece is a bit... stoic at the moment. In the first stanza, especially. You were really good at describing the actions and rocks tumbling to the ground and all that. But what about the more emotional aspect of the poem? What about the fear? I did see mentions of being terrified here and there, but I think that if a volcano were to actually erupt, wouldn't you be more terrified than that? I know I would be. I think that the emotional aspect of this poem could definitely be emphasised more, in the first stanza at least.
Another thing you should consider is maybe researching a bit more about volcano eruptions. Since I don't think that fire darts through the air in a real volcano eruption. It's more like pyroclastic flow. Although, I could be mistaken. I'm not too sure.
I did like your second stanza though, you described how your heart raced and sped up and I really liked the adjectives you used to describe the volcanoes.
Overall, really, really nice second paragraph. But maybe make it ring more realistic by emphasising what the character's feeling's a bit more. Other than that, this is very good. Keep it up!
Thank you very much, I admit it was a little rushed because the contest is pretty much being judged in literally a couple of days and I really wanted to enter. I put lots of time and effort into it but I think the pressure may have beaten me.
Yes, reading about natural wonders is a very interesting thing. I think you did pretty well with this. Although, my only concern is that it didn't flow very well. The rhythm was at times off beat. You could also use some more imagery. Well done overall. Good luck with your contest!!