Contest entry

Thank you so much for your constructive criticism and your positive feedback. I loved hearing your opinions and I thank you all for pointing out some of the little errors that I made when I was writing it. I can now enter this in the contest with much more confidence and you guys are all to thank!

From CuteJackRussell

Hey Jack, I really liked your poem! You definitely have a talent for imagery. I'm going to point out some things to help you out and hopefully help you win that contest. I hope it doesn't seem harsh.

CuteJackRussell wrote:A breathtaking sigh escapes from my lips, a breathtaking sigh? This doesn't really make sense...
As I gaze, enchantedcomma, at the magical sky.
Hypnotized by the deep orange sun, you don't really need the comma here. It disrupts the flow.
That beams angelically in the distance. Love this line.
The rest of the sky like a pastel picture,
Every stroke is done with care. The flow is slightly off here, I think the line would sound better like this, 'When every stroke is done with care.' or something like that.

CuteJackRussell wrote:The sea laps gently at the edge of the sand,
Beckoning the sand to join it. These two lines are kind of redundant. You say 'sand' twice, and it just doesn't sound very good. Maybe try to find a different way to say it?
A slight chop develops in the ocean,
As the air slowly gets colder.
The dark blue that was once it's its color, (You ONLY use an apostrophe when you mean 'it is.')
Turns to a dark, plain black.

CuteJackRussell wrote:The palm trees are rooted in the sand,
With a slight lean only apparent from a distance.
The branches hang lazily from their trunk,
Dangling idly, like arms hanging tiredly. These two lines flow strangely. I think you used too many adverbs in such a small space. It's almost over-descriptive.
The branches are tougher than they look,
More strong than you would expect.These two lines say basically the same thing, you might want to get rid of one.

CuteJackRussell wrote:The breeze tugs softly at my long, wavy hair,
As if intending to pull me with it. You're contradicting yourself here, at least to me. If the breeze intends to pull you with it, wouldn't it be blowing more than softly?
We sit perched on the sloping tree trunk, before you mentioned that the slope of the tree trunk is only noticeable from a distance, and it's a palm tree, so how would you be able to sit on it? Did you glue your pants to it or something?
Gazing adoringly at each other.
My heart starts to beat faster,
As I lean in slowly to kiss you. Great ending to wrap it all up.

I love this poem. It was one of those poems that made me think 'I wish I had written that poem'. It was just that good!

The imagery was beautiful and everything but I wondered where you were going with this poem. I mean you can't have a poem only describing a place right? But I like how the last verse sums it all up nicely!

I usually put my favourite line or verse, but I'm not going to this time, because I loved all of it! (I don't usually say that, this is only the second poem I've said this about)

I think you deserve to win that contest!

Hello CuteJackRussell! I like this poem. It has great imagery. There are just a few things I would correct.

CuteJackRussell wrote:A breathtaking sigh escapes from my lips,I don't think you need the "from".
As I gaze, enchanted at the magical sky.
Hypnotized by the deep orange sun,
that beams angelically in the distance.
The rest of the sky like a pastel picture,
every stroke is done with care.

The sea laps gently at the edge of the sand,
beckoning the sand to join it.
A slight chop develops in the ocean,
as the air slowly gets colder.
The dark blue that was once it's colour,
turns to a dark, plain black.

The palm trees are rooted in the sand,
with a slight lean only apparent from a distance.
The branches hang lazily from their trunk,
dangling idly, like arms hanging tiredly.
The branches are tougher than they look,
more strong than you would expect.

The breeze tugs softly at my long, wavy hair,
as if intending to pull me with it.
We sit perched on the sloping tree trunk,
gazing adoringly at each other.
My heart starts to beat faster,
as I lean in slowly to kiss you.