The bravest moment of my life was the day I stopped myself and answered for the first time, "No. I'm not fine.
"I'm not fine because I feel like the world is dissolving around me, leaving me with only a tiny patch of solid ground to stand on.
"I'm not fine because I cry myself to sleep every single night, sobbing into the pillow so I don't wake my little siblings.
"I'm not fine because my mind is eating me alive, bit by bit, and I can't do anything to stop it.
"I'm not fine because when I look at myself in the mirror, I wish I could tear myself to pieces, ripping off handfuls of fat and feeling it collect under my nails like mud. Because I would rather that I could shred myself into a bloody pulp than have to suffer another day covering up and hiding under the too-big tees and mangled boy-jeans.
"I'm not fine because I wash my hands a million times a day until they bleed to chase away the invisible monsters lurking behind every corner, waiting to murder me the second I pause for breath.
"I'm not fine because I push myself to the edge of sanity every night, working hour after hour until I collapse on the bed, shivering. I sacrifice my happiness, my health, my life, just to make my parents proud. I can't fail them or they'll hate me, I can't fail them or they'll hate me, I can't fail them or they'll hate me, I can't fail them, I can't fail them, I can't fail...
"I'm not fine because I can't go a second without remembering that everyone I ever loved is going to die, and that either I'll have to cry at their funeral or they'll have to cry at mine.
"I'm not fine because I pick at my skin, my head, my arms, my legs. I rip it off, I claw it off. It's not perfect, it's not right. It's not enough. My fingernails leave bloody lines up and down and along my limbs, scars I can blame on the cat if I need to, but would rather you don't ask about.
"I'm not fine because I want to kill myself sometimes, feel my worries flow away from me hand in hand with my life. Maybe then everyone else would be happy. Maybe then, without me dragging them down.
"I'm not fine, even though you wouldn't guess it. I drown my pain in humor, in quirky jokes and bubbly laughs. I guess I've always had a knack for drama, and acting like I'm fine is the only way I know how to cope. I've held it together for year after year after year of darkness, but I can't keep pretending; It's tearing me apart. So, if I'm being honest, I've never been fine. I doubt I ever will be. I can't look back and find a time when I didn't hate everything about myself with all my heart. But I do know that you can help me find ways to make it better. So please, will you make me feel just a little bit more fine?"
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Wow - that is literally the first thing that came to my mind after reading this. I can honestly say that this is one of the best pieces I have ever read. I can't even explain how amazingly you conveyed the frustration and insanity inside your head. I absolutely loved how you repeated "I'm not fine" every time you started a knew "verse" and how that linked to the beginning. This piece is heart breaking because through your writing you make it sound so real to the reader. I loved how you intertwined your dark thoughts - inside your heads with the physical aspect: the self harm and OCD stuff etc... it worked well and created this vivid image which I kept building up in my head as I carried on reading. It was literally amazing.
I wasn't even planning on reading it - I clicked on it by accident and was about to cross my window down but scanned your first line and was literally hooked - thank god I didn't close that window because (in case you haven't realized) I loved your piece of work.
I loved how you ended it as well - it would have been way to cliché to end it with dying or something, and the stuff about "making me feel just a little bit more fine" is so perfect.
Sorry about this shitty review - but I just wanted to say that your piece of work was amazing and I seriously hope you carry on writing.
Quick question - is this poem about you personally???
Thank you so much
Tick tock
Hey! Thank you so much for the review! (It was not terrible at all, by the way.)
This poem is describing how I felt two years ago when I finally did ask my parents for help. I have since been diagnosed with Anxiety and OCD, and I'm doing so much better! I'm on medication (which was life-changing) and out of school, so I'm on the mend again. ^.^
I'm so glad you liked it so much! :3 I'm honestly still a little in shock about it being featured! XP
Peace!
~Cat
No problem! And thanks
Wow - yeah that must be so hard, and it shows through your writing. I hope things get better - either way - don't stop writing...
Haha yeah well good job!
Tick Tock
Hey there! CuriosityCat
I would like to tell you that when I read this, I feel sadness, which I guess fulfills the purpose of connecting with the reader.
It is a really nice piece of work. The only thing I find I a but amiss is that it's more of a narrative and a bit less of a poem.
But trust me the way you described it, is really commendable.
Hey, nickjay! Thanks for the review! I totally agree that this isn't really a poem, but I didn't really know what other category to put it under.
Narrative certainly makes more sense, but I guess I'll leave it now it's gotten this far.
First I have to say, "Wow." This was so sad CuriosityCat. But it brought me back down to earth again. I never really heard in detail what people who experience this go through. I can tell you've been here or still are. So, I'm very, very sorry. I don't know what to say. This was good but extremely sad to me. The only thing I have to say on corrections is, this isn't a poem more like a narrative. I'd put it with the short stories that way you don't mislead someone. Well, that's it for my review. Keep writing and never get discouraged!
~Keepwriting
P.s. God bless you. I hope you find someone you can talk to about this other than strangers on the internet. Stay safe.
Thank you so much! ^.^ I can't believe how many people have read this now! I'm glad I could give you a little glimpse into living with a mental illness. This was actually written from the perspective of me a few years ago, when I finally got the help I needed. I'm on medication now and my life is going way uphill. I really appreciate your review! :3
I'm so glad. God bless!
Hello!
Firstly, I'd like to say that you captured the fine line between sanity and insanity incredibly well - I know because I'm there now, and I assume you captured it so well because you're there too.
That kinda sucks, doesn't it?
Anyway, back to the writing. I really am fond of the way you kept this piece so simple - mental illness is something that rarely needs glorification. It just speaks for itself. I especially liked (which sounds morbid, but you know what I mean) paragraphs/lines 5 and 9. They had a really balanced descriptive quality to them - elaborated on but without feeling lengthy or overwhelming. Grammar was flawless as well, which is always great! Overall, this was a really nice read.
Also, if this story is true, I'm glad you were brave enough to ask for help. Sometimes that's harder than just suffering alone. I hope everything gets easier.
-Brynne
Thank you so much for the awesome review and welcome to YWS! I'm really glad you thought my poem was at all good. :3 *blushes* It is indeed autobiographical, and I appreciate your kind support for some random person you saw on the internet. ^.^
You are super-awesome!
~Cat
Hi CuriosityCat! Cakerissa reporting for reviewing!
I think that this is a great poem. Yes, it's sad, but if you look at how it's written, it's really good. It shows that you need to be brave and confess how you are really feeling. I can relate to this, except for the fifth sixth and seventh lines. Yes, I admit that sometimes the thought of the tenth line creeps into my mind sometimes before I kick it out. There isn't much I would change about this. I couldn't see any grammar mistakes and it (as I said before) isvreally well written. I liked how you put quotations around the paragraphs to show that you weren't just thinking this.
Keep writing!
Cakerissa
Thank you so much for the review, cakerissa! ^.^ I really appreciate it. (And your avatar is totally beautiful, by the way!)
Thanks again for your awesome review! :3
Cat
Thanks for the comment on my avatar. I just notice a mistake on my review. Whoops!
XD Oh, no! It's fine, though, really. Most people do that at least once per review.