Perched on the sideline,
I feel cold rain drench my shirt
But I stay, enthralled
Watching the game pass
The one pleasure I have left
Dribbling, passing, SCORE!!
Checkered ball darting
Fleet players dodge cramped bleachers
Full of fans who scream and cry
I wonder what
It's like to run those laps, past people cheering,
Chanting my name
But I will never
Ever play a game with them
Or see the crowd explode in
Wonder at the goals
I've made. Her skills are just
Unbelievable, they'd say
But no.
Because i'm trapped here
I can't even sit straight up
In this cold, hard metal chair
I sit, immobile
Walking stays worlds away
Taunting me from afar
I will never play soccer,
I will never run or walk
And I can't ever get up
from this confining little box on wheels.
BUT
What I can do is
Dream?
Points:
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
LIKE!
Dang, I meant to get rid of this… Anyway… Again, Nice!
Is this SPAM? Awesome spam, but spam?!
Nice job! I like how it works, how it ended and stuff. It is really cool!
Hi! Grey here to review! I really like what you did with this piece; I wasn't expecting it to go the way that it did. I have two comments for you. I would go back through and add some more punctuation. The way that it is makes it slightly difficult to tell where one idea begins and another ends. My other suggestion is to go through the last three lines again. The ideas there seemed a bit rushed and didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the piece. I would look at finding a way to expand on that thought before concluding.
All in all, great work!
--Grey
Thanks! I will comb through and try to make it less messed-up. :S
Hey!
Very fluent and paced well, makes for easy and enjoyable reading.
XD
First off, typo: 'enthralled' not 'in'
Second off: great writing voice
These lines for example:
'Fleet players dodge cramped bleachers
Full of fans who scream
I wonder what'
It's great.
I think the formatting is a bit weird on this piece, but that may have been deliberate, especially at the end, it looks a bit disjointed, but that is all down to personal choice and presentation. Something for editing if you feel it needs it.
On the whole, a good work.
Keep writing.
~BSF
Thanks! The haiku was a little hard to keep up with towards the end, but I'll edit it as I go.
~CuriosityCat
Hey there! BitterRosemary for a review! Let's get started.
I'll keep this brief.
This is very good, a nice, unexpected twist at the end there, I like that.
I definietely get the vibe that this was originally a bunch of haikus, but good nontheless. good content, good format. A couple grammar errors, but that is to be expected.
7 out of 10
good job!
never stop writing
Bitter