A/N: Part of an experimental group of short stories I'm working on. Warning for character death/suicide implication.
Tacey was afraid of monsters. She had two older brothers who watched scary movies she knew she shouldn’t watch and on them men morphed into wolves and women wore very little clothing and had sharp teeth that made people bleed. Other movies had aliens that devoured people in a way similar to the way her mother ate shrimp. But her father scared her the most. He seemed to wear the same clothes every day and he was always mad and her mother muttered about, “The money, the money,” when she thought no one could hear.
Tonight her mother was visiting her grandmother and her brothers and father slept soundly in their beds. Her father dreaming of numbers and rules and her brothers of unsavory things. Tacey was wide awake. Her mother always checked Tacey’s closet and under her bed. Tacey hadn’t been able to convince her father or either of her brothers to do the same. “Let me drink,” her father had said, “let me work.” Tony had said, “Let me talk to Stephanie,” and Brett had said, “An important paper is due tomorrow!”
So Tacey kept her special flashlight, the one with multicolored lights, close to her chest and her eyes darted around the room.
That’s when the Shadowman came out of nothingness with all the grace of a black rat snake climbing a tree. He sat at her feet at the end of the bed, looking like watery black paint or condensed smoke and sort of like neither. Her flashlight turned off.
“If you forget about me,” the Shadowman said, looking quite sorrowful, “if you forget, you will live. If you cling to this memory, if you fear me, you will die.”
“Why, Shadowman?”
“Because that’s the way the world works, sweetheart.”
Tacey didn’t forget.
***
Ten years later, a family stood around a skinny coffin looking confused, surprised, shocked. It was as if a flock of birds had fallen from the sky and landed at their feet. No one could piece together what led to the death of their little angel, what had led her to fall.
They’d all forgotten. They’d been able to forget. But Tacey hadn’t.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello again, Cspr
She had two older brothers who watched scary movies she knew she shouldn’t watch and on them men morphed into wolves and women wore very little clothing and had sharp teeth that made people bleed.
... close to her chest and her eyes darted...
... looking like watery black paint or condensed...
... at their feet.No one...
Spoiler
This is one big run on. Let's see if I can fix it before you try to:
She had two older brothers who watched scary movies with men morphing into wolves and with women who had very sharp teeth and wore very little clothing; She knew shouldn't have watched along.
You should also combine the first and second sentence of the second paragraph, otherwise the second one is just a run-on, I think. It sounds awkward.
You should separate the dialogue in that paragraph into separate lines, it's a bit confusing as to who's saying what at first.
Spoiler
You should use the word 'while' or 'as' instead of 'and'.
Spoiler
You should make this: ... looking like both watery black paint and condensed...
It would work better with the way you ended the sentence.
Spoiler
You need a space after the period. I'm sure this was a slip of the keys, but I had to point it out.
And the rest is fine.
The story was absolutely fantastic, don't get me wrong, but I'm wondering how it was a fairly tale. Maybe it's a part of something bigger and I just don't get it. Anyway, great writing, and great story.
Keep up the great work
I enjoyed it. It has that simple unique flow that other short stories lack. However, I would suggest you make sure the commas are present in the right places. It has a interesting way of plot, like how it shows that when you grow up you forget about the monsters under the bed, and those who don't are doomed to be afraid of it for the rest if their lives.
This has to be one of the best short stories I've ever read!
)
It has a certain flowing quality that's hard to find among many of the short stories that seem to be around nowadays, and you have also managed to capture the right essence of detail in there too.
The triplet at the end "They'd all forgotten. They'd been able to forget. But Tacey hadn't." really creates a sense of impact, and I think how you've moved the time along works well; it's subtle.
Just keep it up, it's amazing!
(wow, that's my first review on here...
Ooh, spooky. And me being me, I feel sorry for the Shadowman, just because he says his lines sorrowfully, and I imagine that he would like Tacey to live, only he doesn't want to be forgotten. Plus I like this description:
"That’s when the Shadowman came out of nothingness with all the grace of a black rat snake climbing a tree."
Excellent simile there.
Overall this story has much better cohesiveness than the other one I reviewed for you. I love the implication at the end - that the family "forgot" Tacey (neglect), thus leading (however indirectly) to her death. It has more of a traditional fairy-tale feel to it than your other one, which is obviously what you were going for, so well done.
I think the only thing that bugs me about this one is that opening paragraph. You start off really well with the monsters and the scary movies that the brothers watch (although that second sentence is kind of long and awkward), but the sentence about her father seems out of place. I mean, she's scared of aliens and monsters and scantily-clad vampire women, but her dad being mad is the scariest of all? Unless he's abusive that seems unlikely. I get that her whole family neglects her, but there doesn't seem to be any abuse going on. I think you could actually just cut everything after "her mother ate shrimp" and move straight into the next paragraph, like this:
" Tacey was afraid of monsters. She had two older brothers who watched scary movies she knew she shouldn’t watch and on them men morphed into wolves and women wore very little clothing and had sharp teeth that made people bleed. Other movies had aliens that devoured people in a way similar to the way her mother ate shrimp.
Tonight her mother was visiting her grandmother and her brothers and father slept soundly in their beds."
You don't really need anything more than that, unless you want to describe the movies or Tacey's bedtime routine (checking under the bed) in more detail. You go on to show us that the father and brothers, specifically, are neglectful. They ignore her because their work/girlfriend/movies are more important to them. You did a great job showing us this through their actions; you don't need to tell us.
Great job!
~Blue