A/N: Part of an experimental group of short stories I'm working on. As mentioned, this is dart, as most fairy tales are, and there are implications of child neglect, bullying, and assault.
Stella was a special girl, but no one noticed. No one bothered to talk to Stella except to tell her she looked like a toad. She could barely form sentences at seven-years-old. Her mother left her alone more often than not. School was difficult. The numbers and letters blurred into little ants, little dancing ants. Sometimes she had to pluck cigarettes out of her father’s mouth when he fell asleep because she’d seen on the magic box that houses burned that way, and she sort of never wanted to meet a firefighter. The way everyone explained them was always so scary. “Don’t worry if he looks different or talks funny,” people say. But in a way, she wanted to meet a firefighter more than anything, and sometimes she watched her father sleep puffing smoke waiting for one to arrive. Everyone judges her because she looks different and talks funny, after all. She wonders if she could become a firefighter, or if they’d make fun of her too and not let her play with their spotty doggie. No one ever wants to share their toys with her.
She decided one day, not many days after as she watched smoke rise from the vacant apartment building across the street as a fire truck idled, she’d try to become a firefighter, even if only boys dressed up like them and ladies were always whispering about how they sometimes wanted to light the kitchen on fire to catch a hunk.
Stella had no idea what a hunk was, but apparently it was something one wanted.
She’d become a firefighter and catch a hunk, she decided, going back to her toys. Her decision blurred as she put aside her Lite-Brite and looked to the television as the volume suddenly seemed to increase. A man was screaming at another man, but the words made no sense.
Stella got the remote and pushed the button that changed the channel.
She saw a girl get shot in the stomach. She saw a stupid cartoon about a purple dog and a yellow cat, always dying and then getting back up and always hating each other so much. Three women got in a fight on a beach about some man named Tyler Jake. There was a commercial about something called Viagra, one about a diamond necklace, and one asking for money for starving children. Men in different colored clothes tackled each other to the ground as other people cheered. A mentally retarded man died asking for his mother as policemen kicked him and kicked him. A girl with short hair had her skirt lifted and two boys wouldn’t let her go. She watched a man in funny clothing waving a cross around and screaming about hellfire and brimstone.
Hellfire.
Stella closed her eyes and wished for rain.
For three days, all over the world there was deluge.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,560 Reviews
Hey Cspr,
I don't normally review prose, so I'm a little rusty. And I haven't read your previous reviews, so I apologize if this repeats. But I hope this review could still serve of some help! So I'm going to just dive right in.
I thought this was a cute story, but I'm not sure how it has to do with horror? I guess, I wouldn't classify it as horror. I am digging the supernatural elements in it though. I like the character Stella, I'd like to see her in an actual scene though, as this story, as short as it is, is mostly exposition. The end was strong for me because it was the only scene in the story, and while I'm fine with that being the only scene, I'd like to see it developed more (just suggestions for improvement), like, what is she doing as she is watching all these things? What's her reaction? Is she scratching her belly, is she eating some dinner, is she just engrossed and watching intently with a blank stare? Is she horrified by all this? And how long is she sitting there flipping channels? Does the room get darker and darker as she watches? Is there a fly that's been buzzing around the room whilst all of this is going on? Little details like this are missing, and I think will really make this piece shine if we get more of this.
Now, let's rewind a bit. I do want to go more in-depth. Some of the beginning sentences are a bit choppy, which is fine if you're trying to go for a particular effect, but you also want to make sure that each idea in each sentence comes across clearly and flow together to build a seamless picture in the reader's head. For example, this part:
Your first sentence talks about how Stella has trouble forming sentences. Your second sentence mentions her mother leaving her alone, which is a new and separate idea, you see? And then the third sentence goes back to the idea of the first sentence, talking about how she had trouble reading. This jumping from idea to idea is jarring to the reader. You go on to talk about firefighters, and then go back to how she was ugly. You want to make sure your ideas flow seamlessly.
Also, I find it a bit confusing how you described her afraid of firefighters, and then go on to say that she really isn't afraid of firefighters, but she wonders about them/is curious. I would clear that up a bit, to say that she is afraid of fires, but at the same time, she really wishes to meet a firefighter? It's not exactly clear, it seems as though you're saying two contradictory things.
On the one hand, I like the voice that you have set up. It does have childish elements, or a childish tone, and I'm digging that aspect of it. On the other hand, there are some places where the narration is less "3rd person limited" and more it seems to be directly taken from Stella's thoughts. Here, for example "spotty doggie" seems to be something that Stella would say, and not something characteristic of the narrator. There's a difference between saying:
She thought the world was going to end.
and
The world is going to end, she thought.
On the one hand, you have something that is being imposed, and on the other hand, you have something that's directly embedded in the action of the story; and in the above example, it's difficult to tell which of the two you were going for.
The ending by the way, is great. I really love the progression you have. It's somewhat unclear to me whether the television is really "magic" in that it granted her wish, or if Stella, by her own willpower or doing granted her own wish, but I kind of like the ambiguity and I like the progression here, as we get this impression of just a little girl who is somewhat slow/unfortunate, but is definitely likable and the twist at the end made me smile. It was also unexpected! <3
You have quite an eye for storytelling. Thank you for this entertaining piece. Best of luck with your writing.
~ as always, Audy
Heyo Cspr
School was difficult.
Stella had no idea what a hunk was, but apparently it was something one wanted.
She’d become a firefighter and catch a hunk,
First off, I'll shower you with my lovely nitpicks.
I'd say that the first paragraph is a small info-dump, but at the same time I feel like it's all necessary. You definitely hop around a lot, talking about subject very unrelated;
Spoiler
... she wanted to meet a firefighter more than anything...
If you could reorganize it on your own it would be lovely.
If not, I think the madness within it is lovely anyway.
I have this feeling again with the second paragraph, but your methodic madness proves to get the best of me again.
Spoiler
Brilliant.
Spoiler
Perhaps it would be better if this became the only bit of speech in this dialogue-less piece?
The rest was absolutely perfect.
That being said, I really didn't understand the point of it. Usually I get the point of a fairy-tale, this just left me confused (which I'm sure is the effect you went for). You wrote everything beautifully. It's the content itself I didn't understand.
If I were to pass on a suggestion, I'd say to try to link the ideas you present together. Bring the different topics together in some way, it'll make the peice flow much better, and sound less cluttered (which at this point I'm also sure was your desired effect).
Great work otherwise
First of all:
I cannot express the love I have for this line--
"Stella had no idea what a hunk was, but apparently it was something one wanted."
I laughed so hard at that. A nice moment of humor.
So. I could say things about changing tenses and whatnot, but I'm going to be a little less on-point about grammar because the story itself was a little confusing.
At first when you said "Stella was a special girl, but no one noticed," I wanted to know how she was special - which you finally told us, very nicely, in the last two lines (which are my favorite lines after that line that made me laugh). And I get that the last full paragraph is what she's seeing while flipping channels.
But the first part of the story is extremely disjointed, and it's hard to make sense of things. It all starts to come together a bit when you bring up the firemen and how Stella kind of wants but doesn't want to meet one. Even then, though, it's a little awkward, because a fireman never shows up, even when the "hellfire" is there.
I think what I want to see from this story is just a little more cohesiveness. Try to let one sentence lead into another more naturally. Don't worry about what you *want* to say - just let the story take you where it will. You can even start with your ending, since that's easily the best part. Work backwards from there, or start at the beginning and work toward your ending with no other goal. (i.e., don't worry about giving us so much information - if it comes out, it comes out, but if not, that's okay.) I think that's a good way to go, because the last two sentences are just so deliciously surprising. You've already told us that Stella is special, but those last two sentences really hammer it home for us.
Hope this helps! I'm off to read your "Shadowman" piece.
~Blue