it comes in jolts -
the buzzing brain sending signals
that signify it's coming
say you'd better sit down
hold on tight
if you're going through hell
keep going
everything gets groovy
wavering like 80's synth
as you find a place to wait:
wait for the spinning to stop
wait for your senses to make sense
wait -
what is touch
what is taste
what is the feel of my body
on the floor
loose lips
loose joints
loose usage of language
languishing in loose thoughts
neural pathways preventing
perfect lucidity -
it's a dream world, baby
and nothing says i love you
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Crysi,
I don't actually have anything resembling constructive criticism to say here. I just really enjoyed reading this. It has a great rhythm to it; I can imagine someone reading this at one of those poetry clubs (you know, the dim lighting, the snapping instead of clapping, and all that). Not sure what you had in mind when you wrote it, but it sounds to me like you're describing the feeling right before you have a seizure. Maybe that's just my skewed perspective. Either way, it's just such a unique, weird piece. I love it.
-floatingvoice
Great ending!
Hello
right off the bat, love this piece! it could almost be described as laid back...
I love the word choice, like groovy; you don't hear that a lot in poetry!
And I do agree with everyone else, this sounds like an 80s song, lyrics to something. I just love the way you worded everything, like we're listening to this person's thoughts.
I don't have much else to say, so great job
-Kamryn
I really enjoy this. It doesn't follow much of an orthodox form of poetry, yet I can find a beat in it (like an 80's synth song, as mentioned). Very cool; I can almost see this as lyrics, especially with the repetition in "what is..." and "loose...". The line that sold it to me is "neural pathways preventing/perfect lucidity-"--excellent. That stanza is just dripping with pop vibes. Well done.
Hi Crysi!
I really liked this. It bounced around like some mad 80s pop song, but that made it extra cool. The only thing that I didn't quite like is the word "usage." It's kind of a mouthful, especially since you go from loose lips and joints, to usage of language. Unless, you want the tongue to purposely stumble?
Anyway, hope this helps!
Hey.
I really like this poem. The title doesn't give even the slightest hint about the theme and that's what drew me towards reading it. I really like the fact that you've not forced rhymes into your poem and kept the paraphrasing quite simple. The way you ended it on a loose note also goes well with the theme.
Happy writing