Amp fire 911
The room was what most would class as been dark. The walls, covered in posters of 80s rock bands and pin up girls showing off their tattoos. A television sat on the average style desk, playing a music channel to a low sound setting and right in the corner of the room was a mess of purple bedding upon a small sofa-bed. The girl hid amongst the bedding could have everything she wanted, the best television, and the biggest bed but she preferred her room like this, after all no one really saw it. The girl in the bed stirred, it was 9 am and she needed to be getting up and getting ready for a day of, well, searching the internet for jobs and ideal candidates for the band she wanted to start. After about 10 minutes the girl raised a skinny, pale arm from the bed followed by an equally pale foot onto the laminate floor. The normal routine would be to stumble to the kitchen, today was no exception.
The girl, who was known as Blake Dixon walked into her mothers elaborately furnished kitchen to find a note waiting on the breakfast table, the note read;
'Gone to work, there's money on your desk for you to spend as you wish, you're farther and I are going on a business trip straight from work tonight, I shall ring you later. The house keeper will be here from 10 till 9pm, have a good week sweetheart, much love.'
Blake sighed, she was used to been un-chaperoned, having money and a housekeeper-it was all part of the Dixon family life style, her parents both owned the biggest businesses in the uk, owned half of the country and several properties, most people get envious of Blake as she apparently has everything. She's well aware of the materialistic things, but all Blake really wanted was to get into the music academy of her choice, without her family buying her way in for her. This was what everyone was like Blake new, this is why she so desperately wanted to move away from Chelsea for good.
Blake grabbed her now cooled coffee and walked back up the stairs to her sanctuary, the anti 1st class bedroom was heaven compared to her posh privet school and the channel shops that ruled Chelsea. Shutting her bedroom door she turned the television up so the music channel was thumping out of the speakers so loud her coffee danced along and made her way to her window sill where a packet of 'mayfare superking' and a lighter awaited Blake's grasp. Opening the window as far as it would go she lip up a cigarette and inhaled deeply, her mothers 'smoking's such a bad habit Blake, not to mention it ruins a ladies reputation and yours is already at state.' Statements ran through her mind and made her blow out and inhale at double the speed.
After stubbing her cigarette butt out in the ashtray Blake moved over to her desk, barley noticing the wad of notes her mother had stuffed in Blake's signature chained purse as she switched on her laptop and from there logged on to her band page where a number of requests had started to form. Blake trolled through the requests deciding there and then who seemed appropriate for her 'grunge/emo' band and who just didn't have the appeal that Blake was looking for. After about an hour of this Blake had narrowed it down to about 4 bassists 7 singers and 4 drummers. Feeling pleased with her results she set an audition date at FBD studios or the following morning.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Heyy! Forever here with a review!!
Okay first of all I would like to say that it is very much necessary that you divide it into paragraphs. The text simply feels like a chunk of a number of words until and unless you divide it into paragraphs.Organization is very important when it comes to writing. You have also got to seperate the title from the story itself. The title and the story are in the same line and that doesn't help at all- it becomes very difficult to distinguish between the title and the text itself. Anyway, into the real meat of the piece.
The beginning wasn't the most catchy one. Also, it felt kind of contradictory. At first, you said that the room was dark and then you went on to describe how the room looks. That is very contradictory because when a room is dark, unless the viewer's eye is like an eagle, they will not be able to see all the details that you described. Secondly, there was a TV in that room. If I am not much mistaken, a TV actually has enough light to provide some amount of light to a room. Taking into account the condition of the girl, the tv is indeed a high quality one and thus more light. You should reconsider your description.
Hm... I wonder why exactly the girl was hiding. Like there was no one in that entire house and by the story, it didn't seem like the girl was afraid of people or something. So, I wonder what was the exact cause behind using that word. If there was no cause, I would suggest to remove that word and replace it with something else.
Okay as of the story, I think it can be lengthened. I mean there are a lot of feelings you can actually add to the story. The story would read much better if you do that. The condition of the girl is seriously not very good. We can understand that from our everyday hearings and all. However, I would like to feel it completely from the story itself. Like rather than saying she was used to her parents going outside, you could just show it. Portray it. Here is a good article on the show don't tell method. That is a very useful method when it comes to portraying things.
I don't know but the last seemed to a bit abrupt. In the beginning, it seemed like this Blake was just used to scrolling the internet without any sort of success. However when we went to the end, it seemed like Blake got all the success in one day in such a short amount of time. It just didn't go with the beginning. Anyway, I would have wanted to read the continuation but seems like that is not going to happen.
Overall, I think this had some meat in the story but it requires a lot of editing and revision. Apart from what I already pointed out, there were a lot of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes which made it hard to read.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Hello there! Pernoctation here to review! Let’s get started…
Oh my, this whole beginning is a bit of a mess, lots of misspellings and grammatical errors. Consider rewriting it so it could be more understandable?
I believe you mean ‘your father’. Remember, ‘you’re’ means ‘you are’.
Wait what? Please, please, please check your writing before posting!
Oh my, you have so many errors and misspellings all over the place. I couldn’t even begin to list all of them. It seems like you have good intentions with your plot, but you have a lot of editing to do! I like the grunge feel and rocker style thus-far, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Keep writing!
-Pernoctation