Hey there everyone! I'm new to The Young Writers Society, but since I've always had a dream of getting this book published, I thought that I might as well post it here to see what others thought of it. I am aware of the many grammatical flaws and am working through fixing them step by step, but Crit is highly HIGHLY appreciated. I have actually, got to Chapter Seven, but prefer to post these chapters in small, spaced out chunks for people to digest... (that sounded extremely strange, but hey ho).
All I can say is, I hope you enjoy reading The Kirja as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
When a creature or element dies their soul is released from their body and flies into another as they are being born. But when an element soul and an animal soul try to enter the same body... something amazing happens. A Power Creature is born. Power Wolves (or Kirja, as they are more commonly known) are different from any normal wolf, they can see things that others cannot see and do things that others cannot do. And some can even be things that others cannot be.
Chapter One - Days of Glory
The trees were swaying slowly in the light breeze. It felt as if Mother Nature herself was getting ready for her dance in the rain. It was under one of these swaying trees that a male wolf sat, patiently awaiting the call from his mate giving him permission to enter. The air around was cold but humid, and the magnificent clouds above confirmed that rain was on the way.
“You may come in.” A tender voice cooed from the depths of the tree roots. (under which a spacious den was situated)
The male wolfs face lit up, and as it did, the heavens opened and a light rain pattered onto his black fur. Though he was a mature wolf, and had experienced many births, each one filled his heart with a feeling that my words cannot describe, but this feeling poured out from every inch of his body, as he lowered his head to pay his respects for this miracle of Mother Nature, and he knew that she was dancing for him and his mate.
“Thank you Mother, for this beautiful blessing that you have bestowed upon my mate Kajj and I, for this, we are very grateful.” After he had said those words of thanks, he lifted his glossy head and turned to enter the darkness of the roots. As the male crawled deeper into the den, he could not only hear the heavy breathing of his mate, but the minute squeaks of his newborn litter. The male grinned broadly, how proud he was. He crept slowly towards his mate without making a sound and nuzzled his mates brown muzzle in pride. Startled, the she wolf turned to snarl at him. But, seeing his kind eyes staring through her, licked his nose in apology for her rashness. The male stared down at his newborn litter and shot a wistful glance at his mate.
“They’re beautiful.” She breathed, her short exhalation formed as a mist in the cool, dark den. It was her first litter, three newborn pups squirmed over the dusty den floor. One of them was maroon like their mother, two were black like their father but one was completely different, she a gray with a hint of blue about her fur and she was the smallest pup of the litter. Kajj’s expression darkened, that strange pup looked weak and straggly, not like the other plump little pups. Kajj shot Riko a worried look.
“Look at that one Riko.” She said quietly, pointing a muzzle at the grey cub. “She isn’t not like the rest.” Riko nuzzled his mate fondly.
“Hush now; she’s just the runt, that’s all. She’ll be alright.” Riko always did his best to comfort his mate who was naturally panicky, but his gut was telling him that this pup wasn’t quite like the others and that she would be the pup that would cause all the problems, for there was always one. Little did he know that his favourite pup was going to be the trouble maker...
The she pup which had become known as Lakea was 3 weeks old when she opened her eyes, and it was at that moment when they knew that she was different. Kajj looked into her daughters eyes, looking into the eyes was a way of looking into the soul of the creature, and also being able to see if the wolf was Kirja or not, and Lakea was Kirja. Lakea was the first pup to open her eyes to the world, the first thing she saw was her mother, who was asleep. Lakea crawled over to her mother using a rowing motion of her front paws. She was curious about the world around her, to know her way around the den which she thought was the only place in the world. When Kajj awoke (to find the small pup curled up in her paws), she looked at the small creature and smiled, Lakea was doing alright, still smaller than the rest but her paws weren’t too small so she knew that Lakea would grow into a strong wolf like herself.
“Hello little Lakea.” Kajj said softly to her daughter, she looked into the pups eyes. “Kirja.” She whispered simply, but what type of Kirja, she could not tell. It wasn’t many days before all Lakea’s siblings had opened their eyes, and they played happily together, even little Lakea. She had a sister and a brother. Her brother, Hail, was a deep red colour, the colour of maple leaves in the golden autumn sun.
Her sister were called True, nearly all black but she had a maroon speckle under her left eye and her right ear looked like it was dipped in maroon paint, True was closer to Lakea’s size but still bigger than the undersized pup. Lakea was not the only Kirja in the litter, Hail was too. He was a large pup, promising to be the size and build of his humongous father but he looked the spitting image of his mother Kajj. Although Hail and Lakea were both Kirja they didn’t get along at all. True wasn’t a Kirja, she was just a normal pup, but she didn’t like it at all. It didn’t take True long for her to realise that she was never going to be the same as her two siblings and it troubled her deeply. She often talked to her father about it who had shared the same experience, he was not Kirja, which is why it made sense that at least one of the pups shouldn’t be. Lakea was kind to True, she knew that not being a Kirja upset her sister and she couldn’t bear to see her upset, she comforted and reassured her that being a Kirja wasn’t that special, little did she know what she could do...
As the pups grew older it was established that Hail was the dominant pup, he was the strongest and enjoyed telling his sisters stories, they loved him for that and he felt loved, which was more than he felt from his parents who didn’t care for him as much as he wished.
“Tell us a story Hail!” his sisters would beg when they were snuggled up in the warmth of their underground den. Their parents would look disapprovingly at him, but when the story had begun there was nothing to stop him.
“Tonight sisters, I will tell you the story of the Sprit Wolves of the Sky, Beo and Rak. These two are the wolves that you see can see dance in the sky outside of the den, for there is a world outside of the den. In the beginning, Beo and Rak lived in the darkness that we do here. They lived in the darkness for many sleeps, but there was always a little light, just like here and Rak decided that she would go to see what it was. When she stepped through into the light there was a whole new world, where there were things called trees, and grass and a huge great yellow ball in the sky called the sun. Rak went back inside to get her brother and show him this wonderful new land. But when he stepped out, the world turned to darkness and the great yellow ball faded. Rak told Beo to go back inside, as she was sick of the darkness of the den and loved the warmth and light of the sun. But Beo objected, he had a dark heart you see and darkness was his life. Rak and her brother had a huge argument, and the world switched from light to dark to light again in the fraction of a second. Now, Beo and Rak did not know that there were other creatures apart from themselves who had been living in total darkness for many years and they were angry that the light and dark were switching so quickly. A bear named Suteck, a wise old creature, made the two cubs compromise that for 12 hours Rak would have to hide in the den while Beo played in the darkness and for 12 other hours Beo must hide in the den while Rak played in the light. The two periods of light and dark were called Day and Night and, when we are older, we will be able to see them for ourselves.”
Kajj heard every word of this and was utterly shocked, how could a cub of such a young age know about the world outside? Let alone be able to tell a story about it. She shook her head in confusion, and after her two young daughters had finished praising Hail and exclaiming what a great story he had told, she asked him.
“Hail, how do you know such a story?” her tone was gentle, no different from rain pattering through the trees, but her voice had a slightly tense sound, like a thunder storm was on its way. Hail looked a little baffled and slightly embarrassed, this seemed like a personal question to him. Just as a magician never reveals his tricks, a story teller must never say who they heard it from or why they heard it. Hail was silent for a while and pretended to have not heard his mother, and told his sisters that it was probably time for sleep, as they had been playing in the den for a very long time now. Kajj started to get impatient and repeated her question. “Hail, how do you know such a story?” This time Hail had to reply. He turned to his mother and said, somewhat awkwardly.
“Mother, I am not sure how I know these stories, and can speak these words. They just spring from my lips like a hare from its warren when the two legged creatures have taken away the fire sti-.” Suddenly, Kajj growled fiercly cuffed her son sharply round the ear.
“NEVER talk about the two legged ones!” she snarled angrily. Hail’s right ear was burning; he had never been cuffed before and was completely confused. He cowered beneath his towering mother and whimpered sadly. Lakea and True gasped silently, but pretended to be asleep; they didn’t understand either, but certainly didn’t want it to happen to them.
“But Mother... I don’t understand.” Hail confessed, he hated admitting that his mother and father knew more than him, but he knew they did. But something was happening, Hail’s ear was not the only thing burning anymore, it was his soul as well. The thing is, Kajj was a Fire wolf. When her Grandmother had been born a Fire spirit had entered her soul at the same time as a Wolf spirit, meaning she was a Fire Kirja. Kajj was a Fire Kirja as well, passed down from her Grandmother, Kajj’s mother had died before she got to know her, and she didn’t like to talk about her. Fire Kirja could burn things at will and control fire, as well as a trick called ‘burning the soul’. Fire Kirja were naturally feisty and liked the fur to fly a little. Only a few Fire Kirja knew how to ‘burn the soul’ and not many even know they can, but when they shout at their youngsters for the first time in an uncontrolled manner, a minute hole is burned into their soul. Only three wolves had ever had this happen to them. Hail was one of them.
Hail had never been the same after that. He stopped telling his sisters stories, however much they begged, much to his mothers approval. He scarcely talked to anyone directly and the sparkle in his eye and the glint on his coat had vanished. But Hail was growing, and fast. He was going to be bigger than his father, much bigger. His oversized paws had certainly confirmed it, but he was in no way clumsy, he was strong and witty, not that she showed it of course. He had a saying for every occasion, always a way to outsmart his parents, always a way to escape the confinements of the den. But no, he never said a word to anyone unless directly asked.
Weeks passed and the pups were allowed outside, Lakea and True were extremely excited, they hadn’t forgotten Hail’s story, and closed their eyes before going outside, wondering if it would be exactly how he described. Then they stepped out into the sunlight, it stung their eyes and they blinked uncontrollably, but once their eyes had adjusted they gasped. It was just as their brother had described. They turned around to see their brother just sitting in the entrance of the den.
“Aren’t you coming Hail?” Lakea called kindly. “It’s lovely and warm out here, and beautiful too.” Hail smiled weakly, making True’s eyes widen; their brother hadn’t smiled for what had seemed like forever.
“It is beautiful isn’t it...” he sighed wistfully. “Just how I had imagined it, but no, I have no need to go out just yet, let me take it all in first.”
Lakea and True grinned at one another, they hadn’t seen Hail this happy for ages and it was great to have the brother they knew and loved back again. Sadly though, it didn’t last long.”
Hail closed his eyes when suddenly he tumbled out of the entrance.
“Get out of the way Hail!” his mother shouted at him “You can daydream later!” That was Hails turning point, he snarled. Riko, hearing the noise, stopped drinking from a nearby stream and spun around to face his son.
“Your first snarl, that’s my son!” he growled playfully, but Hail wasn’t in the mood for games. “What’s the matter Hail?” he said anxiously, he could sense that his son wasn’t alright. Kajj butted in.
“He snarled at ME.” She growled angrily. “There is nothing to praise him for, Riko!” Riko let out a small gasp. He shook his head in disapproval.
“I never would have thought it son. Get back inside.” He wasn’t smiling anymore; his face was grave and his eyes looked sad. Deep in his heart he somehow knew that his son wasn’t the cause of the snarl, but he couldn’t go against his mate’s word.
The months followed in the same manner, and Hail got angrier and angrier at his mother and at life in general. He even started to fight with his sisters. But every so often, when his mother and father had gone out hunting, all three siblings would play together happily until their parents came back.
It was one of these days when the pups were playing outside, then Hail asked the question.
“What type of Kirja am I?” He looked up at his mother with questioning green eyes.
“I’m not sure Hail; you have to find out for yourself.” Hail pouted, he was easily angered but tried to contain his rage in best he could. Lakea called over to him.
“Come on Hail, we’re going exploring, are you coming?” Just then, Riko stopped her by putting out a huge paw.
“Oh no you’re not.” He laughed, “Unless you’re willing to let me come with you.” True smiled and wagged her stumpy black tail, she shot her sister a smile and Lakea nodded.
“Of course Father, we certainly wouldn’t be going anywhere without you.” True cried excitedly and jumped about. Hail dropped back and scowled.
“Of course Father.” He mimicked and rolled his eyes. His mother shot him a cautionary glance and growled. True backed off and looked to the floor, Lakea nuzzled her affectionately and whispered.
“It’s nothing against you True, Hail is just in a grumpy mood, don’t take it personally.” True sniffed, she didn’t get along with Hail, but then again nobody did. Lakea looked around, the den that she called home was in a clearing in the middle of a wood, a stream ran hard by and her parents had always told her and the other pups that the stream was the boundary and that bad things happen to those who go beyond there, but what bad things? Lakea desperately wanted to find out, not when she was old enough; she wanted to find out now. The runt sat down and smiled at her brother.
“You’re still welcome to come with us if you wish brother.” She said gently. All she got back was a scowl, but it was what she’d expected. She dipped her head down and there was a long awkward silence. True broke it, asking the most important question in her life.
“Mother.” She said softly, a slight tinge of fear in her voice, “What is Kirja?” Kajj’s head turned sharply towards her, she had never expected the question to come so soon. She tried to smile at her pup, but it was more like a sickly grimace.
“Kirja does not concern you, True; for you are not one. Hail and Lakea will learn when the time is right, like I did.” True ducked her head and sniffed back disappointment. Hail turned to walk off, he was sick of this, sick of the boundaries, of the rules. He was sick of being treated like a baby. The young wolf needed to be free, he knew that he couldn’t hunt, that he wasn’t as strong as the wolves that he might encounter. But he was ready for the greatest adventure of all. Hail padded off, not bothering to look behind him, for it was over, he was Kirja, and he had a destiny.
“Where do you think you’re going?” His father growled. Hail didn’t answer, he didn’t need to. His father knew very well what Hail was doing and knew that to let him do what he had to do was the best option. Kajj pawed at the ground, nervous for her young son.
“Don’t worry.” Riko said soothingly to his worried mate and nuzzled her gently. “He’ll be back by nightfall.” He whispered. True and Lakea waited anxiously, but it was obvious that their brother was not going to return any time soon. Lakea took True to the river and sat her down on a sticky up rock on the bank of it, a place where Lakea liked to catch the sun.
“Look True. Hail isn’t going to return, and we must find him.” True glanced up at her sister who was lounging casually on the rock.
“How Lakea, he could be miles away by now, and what would father say?” True was a sensible pup, she never strayed far from her parents and she was a ‘daddy’s girl’. Lakea rolled her bright blue eyes in aggravation.
“You know what you are True?” True hadn’t missed Lakea rolling her eyes and knew that whatever she was going to say next was probably not a compliment. “You’re a wimp.” Lakea had hit True’s soft spot, she had always been known as ‘the wimp’, Hail called her that frequently. True growled, it wasn’t a loud growl, but it had meaning. “And I’m sure you’d want to prove to Hail that you weren’t.” She carried on, enjoying every snarl her sister let out, getting louder each time. “And...” she said, and then lowered her voice to a hiss, bending her head down next to her sisters. “Mother and Father...”
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey Crimson! I've here to review your novel! The glitch monster ate my review the first time I typed it out, so if anything here doesn't click together, feel free to ask me about it.
First things first - corrections
It doesn't look very good when someone reviews your work and you don't edit it accordingly - it seems a bit like you're ignoring your reviewers. I made this mistake too when I first started posting chapters of my own novel. Even if you edit it on your computer, post the updated copy. That way other reviewers won't waste time picking out the same mistakes or repeating the same things, and they'll be able to check back on your progress.
The opening;
The opening is a turn off. Your first chapter, first paragraph, first line, have to catch your readers attention, so having an info dump (that bit in bold) right at the start isn't going to do that. Instead, your reader will look for another story that does. If there is crucial information that your reader needs to know, incorperate it into the story.
The characters:
I think what this chapter is lacking is that initial bond that your reader needs to make with the main characters. This chapter seems to be told from a very strict third person perspective. You need to bring your characters to life a bit more. Chose one of them, and give your reader a reason to be interested in them, or to want to follow them. Here you mentioned Lakea as being the runt of the litter, which is a great start - everybody loves the underdog. Emphesising this and creating a rivalry between her and her siblings would be an easy way to get your reader to follow her.
She became known as...
How? There are different ways people inherit their name. Some people 'come to be named' something by their parents, or 'end up being called' something by those who have no other name for them. They 'come to be known as' something if they have a different name, but (usually in a story of a famous hero) people or the public call them something else because it's easier to remember.
Lakea would 'be named' something rather than 'be known' as something, because it's her parents who would give her this name.
Overall:
I like it. This is an interesting plot and perspective to take on. You should take advantage of that. Use the opportunity to really get inside the head of a wolf, explore their nature and use this to spice up your writing. As a first chapter you need to start on something a bit more exciting though, maybe following one of the wolf parents hunting for food. Don't be scared to use animal stereotypes to characterise the wolves too.
On to part two.
Thank you for your review Shubhi, it was really informative. (: I have been working my way through this chapter and it is almost fully 'de-longsentanceised'. I will certainly take your suggestions into account when I'm editing and writing the future chapters.
So, I'm gonna confess, that I have read nearly every Warrior book out there.
you're gonna have to work super hard tp make your work original.
Your grammar was a bit iffy.
You had sentences like these.
#800040 ">Her sister were called True, who was nearly all black except for the few maroon speckles making her look like she was dipped in maroon paint. True was closer to Lakea’s size but still bigger than the undersized pup.
Thats a simple edit that makes it easier for the reader.
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder
Hey Crimsona. Sorry I took so long. But welcome to YWS.
Whatever was mentioned before was easily understood by my small brain, but I was confused what you meant by this exactly. The part till things was also clear, but whatever you wrote after that was kinda weird. If you're talking about being something then it ought to be like a person or an element, not a thing. I don't know, it just kinda confused me.For the introductory part, this was quite okay. I felt that for presentation reasons, you shouldn't bold it, it doesn't give a neat look. You can keep it the usual text, if you like. Other thing then that, I thought this was a good way of starting on a new novel, which is a heavy fantasy about a new kind of race that you've come up with. So heads up!
Personally, I would have loved a more info about the setting of the place after the first sentence. Actually , this was a good time to introduce the reader with the setting, and the nature all around it. Though I liked the second sentence where you say about the Mother Nature, I felt it was too early to introduce this thing. A more on how the trees looked, which species they belonged to and all would have done wonders.
Quoting something in a bracket is kind of weird while writing down a novel. It takes away the fun of reading it. Here you could have done without putting this into brackets. And if you're convinced of putting them into one, then just put the bracketed text before a fullstop as technically it's part of sentence.
When you address a person directly, then you put a comma after or before their name depending on the situation. For example;
#FF0000 ">1. Anna#FF0000 ">, where are you going?
#FF0000 ">2.I am not coming with you#FF0000 ">, Tanya.
When we count the number of cubs here, doesn't it come out to be four which is contradictory of what you had been saying before, just before this sentence.
There are many things I need to say and I am worried that I might not forget them altogether. But I would try to memorize them all. First of all I would agree with Rachael now. I really think that you're going too fast with the story, but on the other side to look at I think that your story is yours so you have a better idea on how to progress it and how to move it along. So it is entirely your choice: what to do and what not to. I strongly recommend though to remove the prologue like thing you have in the beginning. You don't put it now since it would create more climax and suspense for the readers to know what Kirja is and then you could include this in the dialog wherein the siblings are being told what a Kirja is and how they behave, their tradition, history, responsibilities, etc. It would be perfect then. My main critique for your writing would be that you still have to master the comma putting technique. You really have two main things which go wrong when comma comes. They are:
1.You, as I have told you about the thing with putting commas after and before a name. You should seriously consider the point as it is something very small but very important.
2.You really write long long sentences by using commas. It doesn't look good. You should neither write short sentences always and neither should you opt for the long ones. Though you can balance by using both. Just don't put commas for connecting sentences which can easily be made into two or more.
Another thing, actually an annoying thing is that you use the word 'nuzzled' a lot in whole of the sentence. Like whenever you are talking of Karj and Riko together, you use this word. This actually shows the weak vocabulary of the writer, or the lack of care. I think it isn't the first case, so you definitely need to proof read the piece before posting it here. That' the main thing I would like to say. I think your descriptions were clear and vivid, and it was a good picture you created for the readers. I have another point to discuss here. You have a clump of words fit together here and there and they look like a mess, but its not a big deal since you can fix all these minute errors once you're finished with the novel and you have time to reconsider it again and again. You already have a lot of reviews in your lot so I might not be able to make a different point. Now my other problem here is that you should bring more descriptions in the beginning of the surroundings that the cave is bounded with, since it would look more nice to read and moreover since the story is going to be based all around this place only. You should do that.
Now for the good parts. I am not a very big fan of Fantasy, but I did like reading this story. I was like not able to concentrate much not because your writing was bad or something, but because I was constantly thinking of what to write in the review, which is entirely my fault, not yours.
Now I have dragged this a lot, so bye for now.
Thanks for the thorough review Yuri! You picked up on some very valid points and I'm extremely grateful!
*starts to edit*
Hello there Crimsona!
Here as requested. :3
Comments and suggestions in #FF0000 ">RED.
#0000FF ">~~
Okay. So, I hope you'd understand of what I was reviewing up there. Anyways, this is truly an intriguing piece and has potential but there are just some common mistakes that I have seen so far. Talking about punctuations, you have misused sometimes your semi-colons, because you don't really need those but commas. And in addition to that, you lack using single quotes (you know, possessive nouns or something), for example: "The wolf#FF0000 ">'s face..." <<-- So, that is an important thing to remember.
Also, I've noticed that everytime, well mostly, when there's a dialog, you do a lot of 'verb plus adverb' thing. Like for example:
Which honestly, starts to bug me off from reading your piece. And plus, you should do a lot of telling, adverbs are just there to support you, not use them entirely to your piece. I think, using a good set of imageries too will definitely make this piece interesting and realistic. Describe more of their den and if possible, please also give as idea if how your characters can survive living in the darkness. Like, describe what kind of food they eat and many more. And show don't tell, as far as I could see, this is plainly written and narrated. Let us feel what your characters are feeling too, through their senses so that we wouldn't lose the bridge connecting your readers and to your characters. I also want to suggest that you use strong verbs and refrain from repetitions, because it maybe will just irritate your readers when they read same words in a particular paragraph all over again. However, a job well done for your verb consistency.
Kicking aside those comments, I thank you for the good read. And by the way, you might want to reconsider your reviewer's suggestion so that this piece would get better. All in all, this has potential. So PM me for any questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Thank you so much for this thorough review, especially how you pointed out the key little bits that really make a difference.
(you're more than welcome)
I'm so glad that you enjoyed reading it.
~Crimson
Alright, I'm here as promised!
Corrections, questions and things that I found awkward are in #FF0000 ">red.
Things that I really liked are in #800080 ">purple.
My comments are in bold.
Alright, just one thing I want to say here.
There are a few spots that I didn't point out where you could split one of those long paragraphs into a few paragraphs. Or just two. I didn't point all of them out, as I figured it might make more sense to say so down here.
But other than that, I really, really like this story! It's interesting, different, something that I want to read more of. I like the characters, and I like the style. It got me hooked, which was a good thing and I would love to know more.
Anyways, I'll review chapter two soon!
Thanks for the read!
Hey there Rach, thanks for your critique, I will definitely take it into account. I'm going to PM you some questions about a couple of things you said, just to warn you. >.<
Hi there Crimsona! Rach here, as requested... somewhat late, but still here. And that's what counts, right?
Now, on to critique!
You know you have grammar problems, and others have mentioned that you have grammar problems. So, I'll just say that because of the grammar problems, I had trouble reading this--so I'm not just being picky when I say you need to clean up the grammar some. Plenty of websites exist that'll help you figure out grammar if you need it. And, even Microsoft Word's grammar check isn't bad. But that's it for grammar talk.
Story time.
You have a lot of great ideas here with this! The problem is, I'm drowning in them as a reader. You could really take this chapter and split it up into several chapters, expanding on each individual scene in this and taking your time with it. If you're worried about the story not getting off the ground soon enough, then just start later on on the story, perhaps around when Hail leaves. You don't have to explain everything at the beginning.
And, that's my second point: you don't have to explain everything so soon! You chose an omniscient narrator, which makes it very, very tempting to explain everything right then, but I can't keep track of the names, the places, the figures, the history, etc. All this information? You can intersperse it gradually throughout the entire novel as it becomes important or relevant for the reader to know.
But for now... split this up into smaller chunks. Take each chunk and slim it down some, saving some of those juicy ideas and information for later on. Then, slow each section down and give it the attention it deserves, and build character and setting and relationships between characters. If you want to get the plot rolling soon, then cut your losses with some of the scenes (sacrifices must be made in the name of art) and move up to where everything really begins plotwise.
I know that was all sort of vague, but this was a thick piece, and I had trouble getting through it, and I can't give things the proper attention when there's so much going on at once. Sorry :-/
Let me know if you have any questions!
Rach
Oh good! I'm glad that it improved.
Thank you. 
*fails to find a cheesier grin*
>.< My amateur side coming through there I suppose. Hahaha. xD
That sounds like a good idea, I'll have to play around with that a bit, and see how it goes.
Oooh, thanks! Another review? That would be awsome! I'd love that, the more critique that I can get in the early stages of editing... the better.
UGH! I just spend a good half hour editing my darn novel, when word decides to play up, and when I restart the computer
'sorry, this file cannot be recovered'
sometimes I wonder why I bother.... -.-
For the burning the soul bit, that is definitely an improvement.
And, just a word of advice. Rushing anything in a literary piece isn't the best idea. xD Revealing things slowly, letting your readers savor and process before you introduce the next bit...you can't go wrong with that. :]
As for how you should start it, you know how some authors put quotes on the page right before they begin? Or bits from a poem? Well, you could do that with the information on Kirja and whatnot. Personally, I think that would be great. As for how you'd begin your story, maybe you could begin by introducing Riko, maybe by saying something like, "A lone male wolf paced back and forth underneath a swaying tree...." or something to that effect, and then introduce some weather for scene building. The way you described it was creative with "Mother Nature's dance," and I rather like it a lot.
I'll check chapter two in a bit, and review it soon, if you'd like.
Thank you so much Kiwisatsuma! This has been so helpful, I have Pm'd you with some questions, and what I've changed. Sorry to be a bother. >.<
Hey there
Welcome to YWS! 
So, this is interesting and you have a good plot but you could definitely make some improvements to it.
First off, you need to work on your sentence structure. You often have independant clauses joined by commas, which you aren't really supposed to do (it's called a comma splice). For example:
But I'm lazy and not very good at explaining grammar rules so I'm just gonna link to an explanation of it here. I recommend going through this chapter once you've read the link and rephrasing the run-on sentences.
This confuses me. Who is this pup? I really can't think who you mean. From the rest of the story Hail comes off as the troublemaker, but he's male and not a runt and not his father's favourite. You might want to clarify this.
Also, you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing when it comes to the pups' characters. For example,
Your story would be much more effective if you showed readers that Hail was the dominant pup and showed them that his parents didn't care for him as much as he wished instead of just writing a paragraph about it and expecting them to believe it despite there being no evidence for it. You showed his love of telling stories by having a scene about it, so that aspect of his character is much more believable.
Also, there are some scenes which you describe in quite a lot of detail and then other parts where you just skip over a significant part of the story and do one brief paragraph where you, again, do more telling. For example,
Woah! He's had a hole burnt into his soul? Describe how he feels when this happens because it should be a dramatic moment and you could get much more out of it. It would make his behaviour change more realistic as well.
Sudden character change here, and if you're going to make it believable you need to devote more time to showing the change (sorry to yammer on about this). And you've shoved in a load more character details without showing any evidence of it.
Basically, to me it seems like there are several more scenes worth of story worth in here, what with the pups' childhood and building up Hail's character properly, and the parents treatment of Hail, but you've rushed through them and consequently the reader hasn't got a chance to get to know the characters, and it's not as dramatic as it could be when Hail leaves.
Also, this thing about Kirja. It seems interesting but all the way through you talk about it as if you already know what it is (which you do, I suppose) and as if the reader knows too. But they don't, so these casual references to Kirja are confusing. I don't think it would affect the plot if you put the scene where one of the pups asks what it is in earlier, and it would take away some of the confusion.
I hope I didn't come across as too critical here because while this chapter does need some work I thought it set up the story pretty well. Keep writing, and I hope you post more of this!
PM me if you have any questions or would like to discuss any aspect of this
Thank you so much for this review Sporky, it has really shined some light on what I really need to improve on.
So, I decided to rewrite the 'burning the soul' bit, if you could tell me what you think that would be great.
The thing is, Kajj was a Fire wolf. When her Grandmother had been born a Fire spirit had entered her soul at the same time as a Wolf spirit, meaning she was a Fire Kirja. Kajj was a Fire Kirja as well, passed down from her Grandmother. A power that some Fire Kirja possessed well called ‘burning the soul’. A mere three Fire Kirja were born with the ability to burn souls, but when they shout at their youngsters for the first time in an uncontrolled manner, something unknown happens, some say that a minute hole is burnt in their soul, others say that it is just a myth.
I did rush it slightly, but I was hoping that that was a good thing, as you were right, it did sound like a text book entry. >.<
Secondly, about the pups, thank you for spotting that, I had intended to have four pups, but changed my mind and didn't edit it out. xD
I was actually quite pleased with my beggining, but I can see how the weather is boring, and it's probably better if I start with describing what Kirja actually _is_ instead. Here's what's on the front page of my website;
When a creature or element dies their soul is released from their body and flies into another as they are being born. But when an element soul and an animal soul try to enter the same body... something amazing happens. A Power Creature is born. Power Wolves are different from any normal wolf, they can see things that others cannot see and do things that others cannot do. And some can even be things that others cannot be.
Maybe something on the lines of that?
Thank you so much for this review. It's really made me have a harder look for these grammatical errors and such like.
(second chapter is up)
Hm. This isn't bad. :]
Grammar:
I have a few nitpicks here, but I'm not going to tear your piece apart. I'll just give you some examples of things I found.
Couple things here. Comma after "in," because it is dialogue. Also, why the parentheses? Those are entirely unnecessary. A comma would have sufficed.
**Wolf's. The apostrophe indicates possession, because it is his face.
Okay, so there are three, but then you describe four pups. You should probably fix that bit. :] Also, this sentence is very hefty and awkward. I'd suggest splitting it into two sentences, perhaps placing a period after "different" and beginning with, "She was gray...."
This sentence...I don't like it. One, you're telling rather than showing. You need to show the actions rather than telling people what's going on. Also, two, it's almost as if you may be suggesting to the reader that they should also favor Lakea. That often gets the opposite reaction out of your audience. xD
In literary works, you don't use the numeral unless it's a value of over one hundred. So, here, use "three."
Ah. I didn't like this for a few reasons. One, information overload. You're trying to explain quite a lot here, some of which is completely unnecessary. Two, this reads almost like a textbook. You're telling and not really showing much of anything. Three, the random tense switch. "...and not many of them even know they can." That's not to say there isn't a right way to go about it. There is...but this wasn't it. Last, why the single quotations? You only use those if the double quotation marks ( " ) are already in use. Example: "Johnny yelled, 'I like tacos' at us yesterday, Mom," Kaylee said.
Okay...enough on grammar.
Plot:
Unfortunately, I don't have much to say on this because it's only the first chapter. There isn't a clear conflict yet, though I'm assuming it has to do with Hail and Lakea, and True to a lesser extent.
I will say though, that your opening line...you could rewrite it to capture the attention. Describing weather or wind is a hackneyed way to begin, to be completely honest.
Overall:
There are, as you know, plenty of ways to improve this piece grammatically. I can't comment much on the plot because I only have an inkling of what's going to happen. This piece has a lot of potential!
PM me if you have any questions about this or would like an elaboration on any of my points.
Keep Writing!
Sporks
P.S. The reason you may not be getting reviews is because of how long your chapter is. Most people get intimidated by the length of a piece. Also, if you can't get a review, there IS a Will Review For Food thread, and they'll review just about anything, depending on the user.
Is anyone interested in Critiquing this?