Wow, it's been a long time since I've written a chapter, sorry about that. >.< I wrote this like last year but never uploaded it, so it's not very good >.< Please crit as much as possible.
Chapter 5 – Running from those who love you
In crazed anger, Lakea turned around and hurled herself up the slope and to Hail, if she lost Hail, she had no one. The loss of True caused her to act like she had the white blindness. Back on the path, past the splatter and smell of blood where the eagle had attacked and onward to the river where Hail was waiting for her and True’s return. Finally her brother came in sight, he wasn’t smiling but he had a sickly grin on his face like he had eaten something horrid and was pretending to like it.
There was no welcome, no wagging of tails or nose touching just silence. After what seemed like an age, Hail spoke. He didn’t speak loudly, kind of like a deadly hiss.
“I don’t know why you are looking so upset.” He said, the grin stayed.
“True is dead, Hail. In the copse, on the right of the river. I saw it, the blood… I heard True crying for help, and the bear...” Lakea’s face was completely drenched in tears.
“True is alive Lakea.” He whispered simply. Lakea glared at him.
“What do you know about what happened!” Lakea cried angrily “You weren’t even there!”
“I didn’t have to be.” He replied coolly. “I saw it all, in the river.” Lakea continued to glare at him, what did he mean; ‘he saw it in the river’? Was he a lunatic? Lakea took a deep breath and said, as calmly as possible,
“Hail, my brother, how did you know what happened to True?” Hail rolled his green eyes.
“Are you deaf Lakea? I told you, I saw it in the river, do you want me to spell it out for you or what? Anyway, we have to carry on, True will catch up in due time, when she sees sense.”
Lakea just stared at him, what did he mean? How could he stare into the water? She had so many questions that she wanted to ask and opened her mouth to ask the first one, but Hail motioned for her to keep quiet.
“Just follow me.” He said with a hint of ice in his voice “Maybe it’s time that we are on the move again.” Lakea was fuming, how could her brother be so ‘cool’ about such a serious matter? Did he know something that she didn’t?
Of course he does, the river told him of course.
Hail read her emotions.
“Come on, I’ll show you in the morning” he said, in a more kindly fashion. “But now, it is time for sleep, then maybe you will let of some steam.” Lakea could hardly argue with him.
True glared at Dajru. “I’ve only just met you, I like the Kirja and my brother is not telling me lies! Beo and Rak exist!”
Dajru glanced coldly at the pup “Haven’t you noticed anything?” he whispered “How Beo and Rak live in harmony at first, but then when they realise that there is more to the world they start fighting?” True stared at the male, he did speak perfect sense, but what had that got to do with Kirja and Non Kirja?
“It has everything to do with Kirja and the Non’s.” He said knowingly, making True gasp a little. “In the story that your brother told you, Rak represents the Non’s since they entered the world first and are the light. Beo represents the Kirja, full of darkness, hatred and . . .”
“Stop it!” cried True, her head was spinning, it all made sense now, her dreams, the fighting, the two sides and Hail and Lakea fighting against her. It was all going to happen, True was not one of them and never could be, she was just too different. “This just isn’t real!” True shouted at Dajru in a strangled cry and collapsed wailing on the floor. “Why did I ever have to meet you?” she screamed, burying her tearstained face in her paws. Dajru did not seem the least bit hurt by this, what else could he expect from a young pup? He nudged the screaming creature to her paws.
“Look, True. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you so early. You’re right, you never should have met me, at least... not yet. All I ask now is that you travel with me until we find the meeting place of the Non’s. Then you can decide whether you would like to continue or not.” True sniffed loudly and looked up at Dajru.
“All... Allright. I will travel with you to the ‘meeting place’ whatever that means, and then I will decide. But I must tell you that I’m almost sure you will be disappointed.” Dajru nodded.
“Very well then. We should probably get going right away but let’s rest first, your side looks like it could do with a rest from your constant moving.” True managed a weak laugh, even though she didn’t find it very funny at all. Dajru lay down and laid his head on his paws and let out a long sigh.
All in a day’s work
He thought mischievously, for it was, he had achieved the first part. And his journey had only just begun.
It wasn’t long before True fell into a deep slumber and was snoring softly. And while True slept, Dajru set off.
Yuki looked down at the mist swirling around her feet; she grimaced and turned to her brother Lam, a desperate look crossing her snow-white face and dulling her grey eyes, which used to sparkle with such happiness in her younger days. Lam laid his broad grey head onto his sisters back and sighed, closing her eyes; it was only a matter of minutes until he was deep in sleep. His sister was uncomfortable; he wasn’t exactly the lightest wolf in the whole of Oka but she couldn’t bring herself to shake off his bulk and as the sun set low in the crimson sky she too fell asleep, her head resting on her silver paws.
Dawn broke, but no merry birdsong echoed through the valley as it once had. No merry chittering of the lake otters either, just the solitary howling of the summer wind, rousing up pollen from the flowers and sending it flying into the face of the old Alpha Male, Satche. He stood up to shake his head in aggravation, throwing the pollen off his thinning silver fur.
“It’s no use...” he growled, agitated, nudging his mate Yita awake. “She’s never going to get here in time, and even if she does, Dajru said that nothing was official.” Yita groaned at being woken from her slumber but smiled at her worried mate.
“If I were you, I’d stop worrying. You may be right, this pup may decide to turn to the other side, but you know Dajru, he’s clever. And so are you! You will think of something, now please, get some sleep.” The old female said softly and rolled over, only to fall back into dream land. Satche rolled his eyes, how could he sleep at a time like this?
It was shortly after Satche himself fell into the land of sleep that Dajru nudged him awake again.
“What on earth!” cried the old male angrily swiping an angry paw at the intruder.
“Sorry to call in on such short notice Satche, I found the pup! I knew that she would find her inner Non. We’re one step closer to winning this battle.” Satche sat up and glanced excitedly around. “It really doesn’t look good here in Oka...” he continued “What has happened since I’ve been away? Bear invasion? Or... The Tw-“
“No. None of them. We have been living as slaves under the Kirja for too long. We have no food, no water. If we are going to stay here any longer, we are all going to be killed like... like dogs.” Satche spoke with intensity and utter seriousness. Dajru nodded his head slowly to show that he understood. For it was true, here in Oka, if the Non’s were not helped soon, they would all die, many had already.
“I understand. Well, it is getting light, once I get the pup we will get you out of here and you can join us on our journey to the meeting place.” Dajru said quietly, as some of the wolves were stirring at the first light of dawn.
“But the guards- wait, how did you get past them in the first place?”
“It was quite a challenge at first I must admit. But it’s not too hard if you just go with the flow and pretend to be a guard yourself. However, I certainly see where you’re coming from, one or two wolves are easy to sneak through, but all you lot? That will certainly be a challenge.” And with those final words Dajru disappeared back the way he had come, and back to True, who was the Non’s last hope.
True awoke to a sharp nudging on her side.
“Ouch.” She groaned loudly, for her side was still pretty painful and a sharp prod had awoken her to her senses. Her eyes opened to the sight of Dajru.
“Come on True. It’s time we got going, the meeting place is a long way off and we have some others that we need to pick up along the way.” Unwillingly, True rose unsteadily to her feet. Dajru turned his head to go.
“We can’t wait you know. I’m sorry, but we need to hurry.” True rolled her eyes and groaned again, why had she agreed to this? She could be a lone free ranger right now, free to do what she pleased and go where she pleased. Not just be bossed around by a wolf she had only met the day before.
“All right.” True sighed and turned around to follow the wolf, the stranger, her ‘protecter’ who promised to keep her safe. But True couldn’t help wondering what her siblings were doing now, where they looking for her? Or had they moved on.
Most likely they hadn’t even noticed that I was missing.
She growled to herself and trotted more quickly to catch up with Dajru.
Lakea reluctantly followed Hail to the river side. She still thought that True’s death had gone to his head, like herself. Even so, she was interested in what he saw, however much she chose not to believe a word that he uttered on the subject.
Hail and Lakea stood in silence for some minutes, just staring into the golden water which reflected the beautiful glow of dawn. Every so often, Hail would twitch a little, like he was being bothered by a fly, or had seen something that made his blood run cold. Lakea tried to see what Hail saw, but it was all just swirling murky water to her.
“Hail I-“
Hail hushed her and stared deeper, his nose was almost touching the water now, then suddenly, he smashed the water with his paw.
“NO!” he shouted and leapt into the water, trying to break up the image, he couldn’t, wouldn’t let Lakea see what he had just seen.
Lakea jumped back a pace or two and gawped at her brother, who had flown into a wild fury and started to attack the very water where he had seen True, alive.
“Stop it Hail, what are you doing!” Lakea cried, in a crazed confused way, leaping in after him and dragging the furious wolf out by his dark, soggy neck ruff.
Hail was at a loss for words, he had seen it all, the blood, the pain, the stranger... True was, indeed, alive. But she was being taken away from her family, taken away from those who loved her. And she was letting him...
“Nothing Lakea. Nothing that any of us need to worry about. But one thing’s for sure, I know where we’re going now. We’re going to find our own kind.”
Lakea tilted her blue head in question.
“Own kind?” she whispered timidly “You mean mother and father, if so, we are no-“
“No.” Said Hail quickly .“We aren’t going back to mother and father. We’re going to the meeting place of all the Kirja.” He spoke sternly, his voice was tense. Lakea let out a small gasp.
“Other Kirja? How do you know about this meeting place Hail?” Lakea tried to stay calm, but many thoughts were racing round her head.
“I heard Mother talking about it long ago, she was talking to Father. She said that when we were older that she was going to take us there. Every year they meet at the same spot, when the moon is at its brightest, the nights are dark and a thick layer of cold covers the world we live in.” Lakea was even more confused now.
“A thick layer of cold?” She asked inquisitively. How could cold be a layer? And how could it be large enough to cover the word that they lived in? It all sounded very intellectual to her.
Hail just sighed, it was too hard for even him to understand.
“All I know is, that when it’s cold and the moon is bright, we must be at the meeting place.”
“But why?”
At this, Hail was silent. There was no way that he could answer that. Something was pulling him there, something important. He didn’t know what it was.
“I don’t know Lakea. But we must.”
True swiftly followed Dajru through the copse, she was weary and often looked behind her, expecting to see the evil, staring eyes of a bear and his terrible claws lashing out at her. It made her side hurt, and she slowed a little.
“Come on little one.” Dajru whispered quietly and stopped beside her.
“I’m not so little and helpless as you might think, Dajru. I promised to come with you to the meeting place, wherever that may be. And then I’m leaving.” Dajru nodded slowly
We’ll see about that
He whispered. True just glared. The adult and the pup quickened their pace to a lope and were soon out of the copse. After a while, the lush green forested area faded into an area of dead land. They were out in open plains, where the grass was a yellowish brown, the only vegetation thickets and thorn bushes which leaned over at True with menacing bright red spikes and she backed away.
“Don’t be silly True. Keep away from them and they won’t hurt you, they’re just plants, after all.” This statement made True feel stupid and she lowered her head. It wasn’t long before thirst bit inside her throat and she licked her parched lips tentatively. Dajru saw her and was quick as a flash to remark.
“Thirsty are we?” Dajru asked, grinning
“Yes.” True replied simply, trying not to give away the hunger which was churning in her belly as well. Dajru slowed to a trotted and fell back beside her.
“There’s a lagoon not far ahead, we should reach it soon, then we can have a rest.”
True forced a smile.
“That’s good.” She said, though she didn’t mean it at all. More resting meant more talking, and more talking meant more questions that she didn’t want to answer.
For the most part, True looked her paws, and the way the shadows faded into nothing in the midday sun. She was panting heavily, and her paws were sticky, even though she tried her best to hide it from Dajru, he noticed.
“Maybe we should rest under this old spruce for a while.” He said, with an almost fatherly expression. “Then you can get your breath back. Oh, and there was something I wanted to ask you.”
Not more questions
True mumbled angrily. But she stopped under the old tree all the same. Dajru lay opposite her and stared her right in the eyes, which just made True feel even more uncomfortable than she already was.
“I want you to be truly honest with me True. Lying or stretching the truth will get you nowhere with anyone, especially me.” True nodded feebly and mumbled an;
“Okay.” She muttered.
“Where are your parents?” He asked quietly, and looked around to make sure no one was listening.
True glared at him. Why, why had she agreed to this? True was mentally kicking herself now. This was worse than being with Lakea and Hail.
No, no it’s not. Nothing can be worse than being with family that don’t even care about you. At least this wolf actually gives a hare’s tail.
“My parents,” True began slowly. “are not travelling with me. They are back at their own den, which is far from here.” She tried to give Dajru what he wanted, without revealing their exact location. However much she felt her parents had betrayed her and her siblings, she couldn’t be too sure whether this stranger was against them.
Dajru just nodded, he hadn’t expected a detailed answer.
“All right. So right now, you have no one. No one in your life at all?” True nodded.
“Pretty much!” she exclaimed and stood up to shake the dust casually from her glossy pelt.
“I understand that you must have many questions to ask me, I’ll be happy to answer… most of them.” Dajru was right; there were many, many questions. For True was a polite, yet inquisitive sort of wolf.
“Yes. I do. And the first one is, how do you know my name and about my siblings.”
Dajru shuffled back a little.
“Wow, steady on! That’s two questions in one. But that’s alright. Your Mother is a very well known wolf. And when word got out that she was having pups… Many wolves were somewhat… dubious about the whole business. Your Father did his best to keep all information about you and your siblings unknown, but it got out all right. Pretty much everyone knows about the two Kirja pups and the one Non, travelling together. Until now.” Dajru spoke clearly, so that True would hear every word. It did not go down well.
“So you followed me.” She stated angrily. “Why?” she demanded loudly. At this, Dajru narrowed his blue eyes.
“Because if it wasn’t for me.” He hissed “Then you would be dead by now. Or at least taken somewhere, never to see the light of day again.” Dajru was at a loss now, he knew that he should reveal no more about any of the Non and Kirja business, since she had certainly heard enough already. But he felt that she had a right to know. “True.” He continued, after a long silence. “There are some things that you may never understand, but there is one thing that you have a right to know. Non’s and Kirja never get along. That is why Non’s and Kirja are never born into the same litter. That is what makes you and your siblings so different. The Non’s want you for peace. The Kirja want you for another reason that none of the Non’s know. All we know is that we have got to keep you away from Kirja, all Kirja. Even your brother and sister.” True’s face fell. She didn’t want to see Hail or Lakea. But the idea of being kept away from her own kin sickened her.
“So the reason I’m coming with you, is to help fix this mess that us wolves are in?” this time, True did not speak with sarcasm or anger, but simple curiosity.
“No True. You alone have that choice, I am giving you that choice. But if you decide not to work with the Non’s you will be working against us.”
Only then it occurred to her. If she did choose to work with the Non’s, then she would be fighting against her siblings in the most blood-thirsty war that Wolf Kind had ever seen.
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Hi Crimsona! I think I reviewed a chapter of this waaaay back when, but I haven't read the chapters in between then and now. So, I'm going to be useless on the story end of things, but that's okay.
.First off, I want to say that you have a lovely narrating voice, and this flowed really well. I was just lost because...well, hey, I haven't read the last few chapters! And as time went on, I got less lost and I began to figure things out--and that's a good thing. Not that readers should be starting to read from the middle of the beginning, but it shows that your writing makes sense.
My first comment is on (boring) punctuation. Yes, yes, I know. Not your idea of fun. Not mine either. Think of it like braces. Sucks when you have to wear them, but after they're taken off, beautiful new smile. Er, story. Er...failed metaphor. Whoops.
You had a lot of run-on sentences, like this one:
Try reading that aloud! See how it sees like you're running out of breath at the end? That's because you've got two sentences here shoved into one. Should be:
In crazed anger, Lakea turned around and hurled herself up the slope and to Hail. If she lost Hail, she had no one.
Basically, each sentence gets one subject and one predicate (the verb plus objects and other stuff like modifiers). That's it. You can combine two sentences into a compound sentences by adding a conjunction and a comma (or deleting a second subject like you did above). Or you can reduce one sentence into a subordinate clause and make a complex sentence. You can even have a compound-complex sentence. But you cannot have two sentences connected together with only a comma. That's like making a bridge for all New York traffic out of frayed yarn.
Another thing is your dialogue punctuation. Demete has a great article about it here: topic44898.html, but if you'd like more explanation, let me know.
And... I know I said I wasn't going to do much on the story-side of things, but I can give you one tip on how to make your dialogue stronger. It'll seem counterintuitive to do it, maybe, but... delete the names out. Most of 'em, anyway.
I don't mean delete 'True' out of this sentence:
I mean, delete 'Hail.' Lakea's talking about True, but she's addressing Hail, and that's the difference.
When people are talking, they rarely, if ever, say each other's names. Usually only if the speaker is trying to get Person's attention and eye contact can't be made. Or your parents might use it to make a point particularly...uh... powerful (Rachael Middle Name Elg, you get downstairs this instant!)
Try reading your dialogue aloud and you'll see what I mean. It gets kind of silly when people start saying each other's names all the time in the comma, Name sort of way. But writers do it all the time because the reader doesn't have the benefit of getting to see exactly where the characters are and such.
And, one final comment! You can also delete most of your adverbs. You don't need them. Adverbs are sort of the quintessential 'tell' verbs...and really, your dialogue especially is good enough to stand without the adverbs.
Take here, for instance:
The "What do you know about what happened!" and 'Lakea cried' already show us that she's angry, so there's no need to repeat yourself when you've already conveyed her emotion in a much more sophisticated way.
Annnnnnd, I think that's it! Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions!
Rach