Published December 17, 2005
An innocent Little Girl,
Big green eyes and Blonde curls,
Dancing in the living room,
Giggles and twirls.
A sweet little lady,
Pig tails and fake pearls.
Dancing on the stage,
With other little girls.
A wonderful pre-teen,
Lip’s glossed, pink ear rings.
Idolises Boy bands,
Dances and sings.
Now she’s a teenager,
Cherry Lipstick and wild hair.
Batting her thick eyelashes,
Living without a care.
Mother’s darling child,
Daddies little girl,
Her eyes are still big and green,
But her hair has lost the curl.
A night out with friends,
Living life all she can
Dancing at clubs,
She meets a nice man.
He tells her he wants her,
She tries to walk away.
“have another drink,
No baby please stay”
She sits back down,
What harm can it do?
He whispers again,
“Can I kiss you?”
The innocent little girl,
Tries to turn away,
But the intoxicated teen,
Tells him its ok.
He takes her away,
From the dancing and the friends,
She wants to leave him,
She closes her eyes, she pretends.
She pretends she the little girl,
Dancing in her Cherry dress,
Pretends she’s the little lady,
Making a terrible mess.
She pretends she’s the Pre-teen,
Her hair full of clips.
But then she’s herself,
Smacking her lips.
She can feel him inside her,
She starts to scream out,
“Shut up little bitch”
She hears him shout.
He wraps his belt around her,
She can feel it pull tight.
He lays her head down.
And kisses her goodnight.
They find her next morning,
Her green eyes shut tight,
Somebody has to tell her parents,
She was murdered last night.
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141,376 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hm,there are,as people say,errors but I love it myself.It is good and the point god aswell.I love how you discribe the girl.Good job!
Like several people mentioned, it was a bit repetetive and rhyme-y, but the way you showed the girl maturing was really effective. Your rhymes are good- not to forced; but I have to agree with TBR about the length. However, there are some great things here, and I know this sounds sickeningly corny, but it really moved me. It's so sad... because... well obviously because she gets murdered, but it's more than that. It's kind of a lament for lost childhood & innocence.
Good job not making it too predictalble. I think the best part of this is right before the guy murders her, and like her whole life flashes before her eyes... that was really well done.
Snoink, your'e not alone in being surprised about the ending. I wasnt expecting it either.
Sooo, I didnt say much that had'nt been said, but nice work on this.
Like several people mentioned, it was a bit repetetive and rhyme-y, but the way you showed the girl maturing was really effective. Your rhymes are good- not to forced; but I have to agree with TBR about the length. However, there are some great things here, and I know this sounds sickeningly corny, but it really moved me. It's so sad... because... well obviously because she gets murdered, but it's more than that. It's kind of a lament for lost childhood & innocence.
Good job not making it too predictalble. I think the best part of this is right before the guy murders her, and like her whole life flashes before her eyes... that was really well done.
Snoink, your'e not alone in being surprised about the ending. I wasnt expecting it either.
Sooo, I didnt say much that had'nt been said, but nice work on this.
Like several people mentioned, it was a bit repetetive and rhyme-y, but the way you showed the girl maturing was really effective. Your rhymes are good- not to forced; but I have to agree with TBR about the length. However, there are some great things here, and I know this sounds sickeningly corny, but it really moved me. It's so sad... because... well obviously because she gets murdered, but it's more than that. It's kind of a lament for lost childhood & innocence.
Good job not making it too predictalble. I think the best part of this is right before the guy murders her, and like her whole life flashes before her eyes... that was really well done.
Snoink, your'e not alone in being surprised about the ending. I wasnt expecting it either.
Sooo, I didnt say much that had'nt been said, but nice work on this.
Thanks Everybody, intially I was writing this for a friend as i do most of my poety and it wasnt supossed to end how it did, he was ment to steal her inoccence nothing more but it just flowed onto her death (my friend still liked it) I have tried to make it shorter, It was twice the length when i posted at first but i cut out most of the stuff about her relationship with her parents.
I'm going to edit and possibly re-write when i get the time to catch my breath so it should be here in the next couple of weeks.
Its really hard hitting. I like the way you keep the pattern the same, I think it adds effect and makes it easy to read so you consentrate on the poem rather than on the layout.
I don't think its too long at all but if you made the start bit faster and spent longer on the end it would retain interest better.
It was a little long, but I don't see how you could make it any shorter and still get your point across. There were times I even thought you should have gone into more detail. All in all though, I really enjoyed it.
I thought this was good. As everyone else has said, the content is great. A few misakes but you can fix them. A twist at the end. That surprised me. I though he was going to rape her. I dunno. Scary though. I thought the rhyming was good. *shrugs* I'm no good at rhyming so you at least did better than me.
Good job!
I think it was excellent!!!! I mean, the content .....
but they way it was told is good.
I... um... have a confession. I was surprised at the ending. I didn't know she was murdered, etc.
Which really scares me because the YWS folks seemed to know it all along... *shivers*
Anyway, there were grammar mistakes that seemed to deteriorate the effects of the poem - not a good thing - and you need to take care in the transitioning of your character's life. But I did like the carefree way it was told. It was an interesting, likable voice. And you rhymed without making it sound too forced! Cookies for you for that.
Writing about her in different stages in life in each stanza is a good idea. It was a little too long. But i liked it, it gripped me.
I'm going to have to be redundant here. I thought it was too as well, and the repetition clearly showed what sort of thing you were leading up to. Like emotion_less said, there were a couple of parts in the rhyming that didn't quite flow, but I think reading the poem out loud a few times would probably show you those.
You had some places when you capitalized unnecessarily. Such as: "Whispers and Giggles." Giggles should be lowercase.
Also:
"Daddies cute little clown."
should read:
"Daddy's cute little clown."
Overall, it just seemed a bit cliche without anything new to expect. You had several nice images though, so I commend you on those.
I liked this, but it was too long and very obvious how it was going to end. If you wanted to shock the reader in a climax, you should shorten the poem, because with all the repition I knew what was coming.
Good idea though
keep it up.
Lol thanks guys, i think..
yeah i was just playing around with this, i wrote it in like i dont know 20 minutes while i was talking on msn so i didnt think it was that good, just wanted to throw it up here and see if anybody thought it was worth playing with really
There were some spelling/grammar errors and such... and yeah...
She wants to leave him,
She closes her eyes, she pretends.
At some points, the rhythm is awkward, like here.
The little lady no longer dancing.
So many things she wanted to learn.
Eh.. I didn't particularly like the ending... I mean, for this type of poem, the best thing to do is relate back to your poem, which you did, but then the added last line is kind of random and just for rhyming purposes...
I don't know... I didn't really like it very much. Some people don't like to read a bunch of angsty poems, and apparently, I don't like reading a bunch of 'little girl' poems.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
So much unnessisary repitition... I liked the idea of it all but it was played out so short and.... rhymy... forced "rhymy".
I liked the idea, but not the actual poem itself...
So... it was good, but then it wasn't good...
Etc. Let me stop controdictiong myself.