Heather.
That was her name.
She moved after a while.
I remember she...
She startled me.
Heather reminded me of my father,
I think?
She was my first friend.
But I don't think she was a good one,
Pushing me away to get to the rice table,
Stealing my favorite color crayons.
I guess that's why I got so picky.
Because of Heather.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hi Cow, I'm here to leave a quick review on your work ^^
I liked the poem itself, it is very relatable and flows rather well. The plot is rather straightforward and it is a pleasant read.
The format is a bit wonky, never consistent, but it adds to the charm. But the random bolded words feel that, random. Maybe it's some sort of statement, I think maybe it has some significance to something, but a reader should easily be able to detect something so obvious,
Lastly, I love the unsure vibe of this poem, how it feels like a clear, distant memory you can almost smell. Keep up the good work!
Jade
Thank you! I have the words bolded because they are important to that specific stanza as well.
Hello Cow! I thought I'd stop by to review your poem!
I like the simple, direct language that you used in this poem - it gives it an innocent, childlike feel, which I think is what you're going for, since this seems to be about a memory from childhood. To go along with the simple style, I would suggest not capitalizing the beginning of every line, as that makes it feel more formal. Capitalization is a stylistic choice, and completely up to what the writer feels would work best, but I personally think using sentence case would suit this poem the best. However, totally up to you!
I'm also curious why you chose to bold certain words and phrases?
I would expect a formatting choice like this to be used either for emphasis, or to create a hidden message, but from what I can tell, words were just randomly bolded. For example, if I string the words together, I would get:
"was her name // moved // she // I got so picky"
And this doesn't seem to mean anything. I think that if you chose to create a message with the bolded words though, that would be really interesting!
One possible sentence you could create might be,
"her name // reminded me of // my favorite color crayons."
Or any other idea you want to subtly tell the reader about.
Other than that, I don't have much to critique! The poem has a pretty good flow, and it's a very enjoyable read. I hope this review is helpful, if you've got any questions just ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thank you! I have them bolded since they are important words for the sentence/section. : )
Hi, Lee here for a quick and short review!
The first thing I noticed is the reference to the rice table. You mentioned it in your last poem too, and it was really nice to see the connection!
This can be worked on. It was rather too random an opening to what was to follow. I think you should add some more lines about Heather, where she left, why she left, etc.
But that's up to you.
Why did Heather remind you of your father? A brief explanation may come in handy.
There ought to be a comma at the end of the sentence, not a full stop, since the next line continues this train of thought.
Again, a few lines suggesting why you became picky because of Heather can be included. The reason you gave is somewhat inconclusive; you could try adding to it.
That's all I could point out!
If my review was too harsh, I'm sorry. Just trying to help. Like I said, the connection this poem has with the last one is very sweet, and the simple sentences make for a light yet pleasant reading. I get the impression that whatever you want to convey you can do it with alacrity and feeling. Keep up the good writing!
- Lee
YOUR REVIEW IS WONDEFUL. DONT BE HARD ON YOURSELF. and thank you! <3
Hey! I think it's a really nice poem. I like how her description it's not very clear and probably that's also your memory of her. At the beginning, I thought it will be more melancholic. That you miss your first friend. Then it seemed to be the opposite. But I want to ask, what's a rice table?
Hope you are doing great,
MoonIris
in kindergarten we had this table filled with rice and toy trucks and buckets and shovels. i LOVED it because of how the rice felt on my hands.
Oh, ok. Thank you for the answer I had no idea.
@LittleLee @Gravitem
NEXT ONE IN THE SERIES LETS GOOOO
YEEEAAAAAH
@LittleLee <3
Yay!
@Gravitem <333
Ha I got more hearts than @LittleLee over there
*maniacal laughter*