Authors note: I know nothing about this format, and have not edited this also i am bad at dialouge. C/T means Cut To.
Fade into an abandoned warehouse. A makeshift lab is set up, centered around a stasis tank where a girl floats. She is wearing a skintight dark blue suit, with only her eyes exposed and a gold muzzle over her mouth. Quills covering her forearms and head. She has Fins on her back and face, and webbing between her fingers. The lab is swarming with people working on dissecting some dark metallic tech. Some of the pieces glow a soft purple. In front of the tank stands Cory, looking at some screens, a blue glow illuminating his face.
C/T a view from the rafters. A dark shape moves across the frame
C/T phobias face, his mask covers his face, leaving only his mouth exposed, which is lined with two pairs of sharp fangs. His red eyes are seen faintly through the mesh lenses. The lenses glow red against his metallic black mask
PHOBIA: (quietly): eyes on the target.
SYNTHESIS: (over com.)how many are we dealing with?
PHOBIA: looks like at least twenty. You take the crowd and blast the prisoner out. I’ll handle the ringleader.
C/T Synthesis standing outside the building. he pulls his dark purple mask up and the seam down the front of his face seals. The opaque lenses over his eyes start glowing, one yellow and one blue, mimicking his natural eye colors.
SYNTHESIS: sounds like a plan, V. don’t forget to adjust your lenses
C/T phobia rolls his eyes, flicking a dial on the side of his mask, turning off the green glow over his eyes.
PHOBIA: yeah, yeah.
SYNTHESIS: going in, in one, two, three!
C/T there is a shrill noise as Synthesis blasts through the wall. he raises his hands around which powerful sound waves can be seen
Workers turn towards Synthesis drawing their weapons.
Cory draws his plasma cutter and turns towards Synthesis
Phobia drops from the rafters and land between Cory and Synthesis, flaring his bat-like wings dramatically
PHOBIA: I don't think so.
C/T a close up of phobia flicking his wrists, a knife swinging out of his arm and landing in a metal notch on his palm
Cory: (amazed) A phobia? And who’s your friend?
Phobia charges, lashing out with his knives, the blows are blocked by Cory’s plasma cutters. The two continue to duel.
C/T Synthesis begins to hover, a transparent platform made of sound below his feet. He holds a growing orb of sound waves. Once the orb is about the size of a basketball, he throws it, and it disperses with a blaring note, sending most of the workers to the floor. The workers start to jump at him and he casts missiles of sound out of his hands, the notes varying, creating a sort of twisted melody.
C/T Phobia continues to dual with Cory blocking his strikes with his gauntlets and knives. He jumps backward, dodging a strike, and a worker hits him in the back with a plasma blade. Phobia screams, and his wings go limp.
SYNTHESIS: Phob!
C/T Synthesis screams, opening his arms, a massive blast of sound radiates out from his body, shattering the stasis tank and blowing the windows out. Anybody who was still standing collapses, either unconscious or dead. Shards of glass impale the prisoner and the liquid from the tank spills onto the floor. Synthesis falls to the ground on his hands and knees.
Synthesis crawls over to phobia and pulls the blade out of his back. The suit immediately repairs itself
SYNTHESIS: (scared) Phob? Come on V.
Phobia slowly stands up
PHOBIA: I’m ok Synth. It’s ok.
Phobias eyes widen as he sees the mess around them.
PHOBIA: (stumbling back) No. I have to get out of here
SYNTHESIS: I’m going with you
PHOBIA: (shaking his head) No Synth. you report back, at least then you’ll be safe.
SYNTHESIS: (voice shaking) No V. I am not letting you get yourself killed.
Phobia drops his head in defeat.
PHOBIA: Come on then.
FADE TO BLACK
“Origen point” Title card appears
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hey there,
First of all: Awesome script you've written here, I really enjoyed it. Your names are also really great. I was very impressed. The way you painted the scene with your words was so vivid and descriptive, I could picture every detail in my mind's eye. The action-packed storyline was so thrilling and kept me on the edge of my seat until the very end. I loved the way you portrayed Phobia, with his sharp fangs and bat-like wings, he was such an intriguing character. And Synthesis with his powerful sound waves and healing suit was just as captivating.
Overall, "Origin Point" was a fantastic read that kept me hooked from start to finish. Your writing style is incredible, and I can't wait to read more of your work. Keep up the fantastic job!
I'm here to leave you some suggestions for sequels:
Awakening: The girl in the stasis tank wakes up and realizes that she has been genetically modified to become a weapon. With the help of Synthesis and Phobia, she tries to escape from the lab and find out who did this to her. However, they soon discover that there are other modified humans like her and they must band together to fight against their creators.
The Hunt: The lab workers that survived the attack on the lab seek revenge on Synthesis, Phobia, and the girl. They hire a group of mercenaries with advanced technology to track them down. Synthesis, Phobia, and the girl must use all their skills and resources to stay one step ahead of the hunters and protect themselves.
Betrayal: Cory, the man in charge of the lab, is revealed to be working for a powerful organization that wants to use the modified humans for their own purposes. Synthesis and Phobia must team up with a group of rebels to take down Cory and the organization before they can unleash their plan. Cory the bad guy.
Experiment: Synthesis and Phobia discover that the girl in the stasis tank was not the only one being experimented on. They must go on a dangerous mission to free the other modified humans and help them reintegrate into society. However, they soon realize that the modified humans are not welcomed by the rest of society and they must fight against prejudice and discrimination.
Origin: Synthesis and Phobia embark on a journey to find out the origins of the genetic modification technology and the organization behind it. Along the way, they discover a dark secret about their own past and their connection to the modified humans. They must make a difficult choice between their loyalty to each other and their loyalty to the truth.
Escape from the Lab: Phobia and Synthesis must fight their way out of the lab while being pursued by the remaining workers.
Rescue Mission: Phobia and Synthesis must rescue the girl from the lab, but they soon discover that there are others who want her for their own purposes.
Dark turn: Phobia wants to use the girl that has been experimented on to bring back his girlfriend from the dead.
Long lost sister: The girl who was experimented on is Synthesis long lost sister and as they rescue her. She and Phobia grow close in camp and eventually fall in love, but you also have to put a lot of ups and downs because it shouldn't be that easy for them.
I hope they are useful for you, have nice day further! Keep up the amazing work!
- Rinisha
Hi!
Ok, that was an interesting. Just the other day I was talking about how there are not enough scripts in here and voila! I write script myself, and I can understand how hard it is if you don't understand the techniques of writing one. I did a lot of research and read a lot. And I'd advice you to do the same. Learn the techniques and the rules so you can develop our style.
On with the work. This is an interesting opening scene. It made me want to know more about the characters. I'm guessing they are celestial beings with their glowing eyes and all. And I;m also guessing the woman in the tank with fins has something to do their breaking in into the camp.
Something I found weird was the description of the girl in the tank.
Quill and water, the combination was hard to imagine. I'm hoping the odd combination serves a purpose.
Synthesis and Phobia are interesting names for the characters. I like how the characters are introduced in the scene. And I'm definitely a big fan of the title card drop.
I'd like to read more of this script.
Keep writing! Cheers!
Hey Corvus!
I'm Ellie, and here to give this a review. I'm a screenwriter, and I love it when people post scripts on the site, so I was excited to see this posted. I was curious to know whether this is for a feature film, short film, or TV script.
As you continue to write, I would recommend looking up screenplay format, as it's very important when you get to the point where you start to send it out. For work, I actually read feature film scripts and give feedback on them. People pay good money for this service, but if things aren't formatted correctly, I have license to stop and put it aside. The reason for this is that film executives are very busy, so if something isn't formatted correctly, it will not be read. There's tons of articles out there outlining screenplay format, but many softwares will actually format for you.
I like to recommend Celtx as it's free. If you have a movie you like, I'd recommend looking up the screenplay for it so you can see how it's done.
As for the script itself, I think it has the potential to be a strong opening. You bring us right into the world of these two characters and their conflict. We know this is not our world, and the end left us curious to where this story was going. What I wanted was more. Paint a picture for me of who these characters are. This is our introduction to them, and they need to be clear to us.
That's all I've got for now. Let me know if you have any questions! I'd love to be able read future parts.
Elinor