TIME
Seconds. Hours. Minutes. Days. Weeks. Months. Years.
It flies, drags on, runs away with us
We lose it, wish for more of it
Curse it, dismiss it
It heals us, kills us
Always too much, always too little
Never enough
Spring. Summer. Autumn. Winter.
Love, joy, hope and peace
Hate, sorrow and despair
Endless circles throughout the years
It makes the memories fade the memories fade
Heal the scars left behind
Makes the heart grow fonder
It can help you forgiveCan help you forgive
But Time
Never forgets...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there. This was quite an insightful piece but I think it would've been more meaningful if it rhymed. Anyways....
I don't know if you repeated "the memories fade" purposely, but it sounded a bit odd to me.
Same with
But I enjoyed the underlying message behind this poem.
I made a few of the changes suggested above. Thank you for your time. I will review some other work asap.
oxox
CoolCatElly
Hey there CoolCat!
I'm June and I'm going to review this for you. Welcome to YWS =). As Nate said, we have a 2:1 policy which means that for every one piece of work you post you should have reviewed at least two pieces by someone else. As he said, this gives you more reviews on your work.
Now for the review!
I like your idea here. Pretty much original, and nice. I understand this is "free verse poetry" where your poetry has no set structure to it, so I'll try not to pick on that too much.
Anyway, in your first stanza you have:
Just a little nitpick: Why don't you have Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Years.? You don't necessarily have to have these all at the same point in the poem, you can blend these in later on. Anyway...
As Nate said, having "Time" everywhere in the poem is a bit distracting. Very few poems do well with the usage of refrain. (Refrain is the repetition or a word, line, or phrase often throughout a poem) And I think this poem would be perfect without it.
It's a good poem (once again as Nate said
Overall a good poem! Good job!
Welcome to YWS! I'd love to see more of your work!
(Hope I wasn't too harsh)
xxJune
Hey coolcat and welcome to YWS! I noticed you have no reviews to your name, so I highly suggest reviewing some other works. The more you review, the more you'll be reviewed.
I liked it, but I think you should get rid of the word "Time" everywhere it appears. Having it in the title is good enough; repeating it constantly through the poem is overkill. However, if you do that, leave the last stanza alone; saying "Time" there works well.
In the fourth stanza, you use the word "Makes" to begin two lines. Generally, you want to avoid this. I don't have a suggestion on what to replace it with unfortunately, but you do want to avoid the repetition of most words so close to one another.
Overall, this poem has an interesting feel to it. It starts off kind of playful, but the last stanza is sinister; as if saying, I'll forgive what you did to me but I will never, ever forget it. I like that; it gives the poem a twist and distinguishes it from so many other poems about time.
Best of luck.
Hey All
If you read this, thanx and a late Merry Christmas!
I basically sat there not 5 minutes ago, going
"I'm bored, I think I'll write a poem"
and here it is XD
oxox
CoolCatElly