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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ahem. OK, first of all, before going into this deep, could I please, please urge you not to use CAPS when people are shouting. Ever. I mean, yes. She must be very angry. Those are very big letters. But they're really annoying to the reader. I mean, we know she's shouting. I guess the caps make her seem agryer, but a "she shouted, loudly", would've really been enough. It diminishes the whole feel of your work. Makes it seem less... I don't know. Neat? I don't know. But it looks ugly.
SHE MUST BE REALLY ANGRY! BECAUSE SHE IS SCREAMING SO LOUD.
No. Maybe itallics would've worked though.
Overall, however I enjoyed that opening scene. It set the story. The mood. But then it was ruined by the caps.
Another thing that you should work on is, if you're narrating in first-person, then you really should've have her saying: "Blah, blah, blah, I thought." If she's the one narrating, she doesn't have to inform us what is it that she's thinking. She just has to say it. Because, in a way, we're listening in at what's she's thinking while this stuff happens to her. This way, the flow is much faster an entretaining.
The plot, I guess, is your strong side. Its interesting, and I want to see how it plays out, but sometimes the way it is narrated seems stale. A bit bland. Take this part, for example.
Sometimes, you don't have to spell everything out for the reader. I have come to find out that a dialogue is much more effective if its bullet-paced, faster. The reader knows he intervenes, because Rae never finishes the sentence, and the man speaks over her. It just seems rather pointless to say: "He intervened." Before having him talked. Maybe if he would've intevened with a hand gesture, or clearing his throat. But announcing that someone is going to speak, before it actually happens? I don't know.
But really, these kinds of stories are not my cup of tea. And there was some good stuff in this story, I'm just pointing at some of the things you need to maybe work on. Anyways, keep writing.
And, goodbye.
Hahah. Okay dear, you've waited long enough. Now let's get down to business. Please know that, however close we are, I do not intend to spare your feelings.
First you should note that Raechell's character seems to be overplayed. Yes, I understand she is a badass but you seem to take every opportunity to try to amplify just how tough she is. I don't particularily like that because she becomes somewhat annoying through the story. You seem to pride her on being "insane" or "nuts". But there is little evidence of this. She does not hold the sort of intimidating aura that you'd expect from someone who is insane. She just seems rather lonely and maybe a little confused. She may seem to be hardened by what the past holds but I would try to tone her down a bit. As Matisyn's creator, I have a feeling he wouldn't fall for her in her present state.
Ahem. That's my critique for now. I'll do more as time goes on but I wouldn't want to overwhelm you. Hope this will suffice.
As always,
POKE
its good i really like it but i am wondering.... how did she know that that one girl was a WereWolf? or whatever...