It's got flow issues, and the last two stanzas seem to made up on the spot (despite about a week of agonizing over them) but I couldn't stand the thinking anymore, I had to share and since the one person who I *DID* share it with seemed indifferent, I decided to publish to a larger audience.
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140,959 Literary Works • 673,783 Reviews
Hey there Confictura,
First of all, this was a nice piece. It seemed to be well thought out and was executed fairly well. There are a few things that need fixing though.
Mechanics:
In this section, I'm just going to correct some punctuation.
"As I ride within this hearse"
Add a comma after "hearse."
"I scribble down this sordid verse"
Add a long dash ( — ) after "verse." (Honestly, there are multiple different punctuation marks you can place here, but I think the dash would suffice best.)
"thought ill-will, placed a curse"
Add a period after "curse" to finish the sentence.
"framed for crimes I could not commit"
Capitalize "framed."
"I settle now as my time has past"
Add a comma after "past."
Flow:
Overall, your flow was nice, but there were a few rough spots. Never fear, though, for I am here to help!
In your second stanza, the first line is a little jumbled. I think it would sound better if it were worded as:
Never have I stole a purse.
Also in the second stanza, you say:
"thought ill-will, placed a curse"
This is correct punctuation, but with the flow of the piece, it cuts it short and seems choppy. There needs to be another syllable where the comma is. I understand that some people would pause at the comma and add a moment of silence for the needed syllable, but most people just rush through it. In my opinion, it would be better if you said:
Thought ill-will or placed a curse.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. It was nice in length and the wording was thoughtful. It definitely has potential to become something even larger! I would really enjoy reading a short story on the history within this poem. Why is the narrator in a hearse? Why is (s)he writing a soliloquy? Are they a playwright? Many questions are swarming my mind after reading this which is most definitely a good sign! Great job and keep up the good writing! Bravo
~ Michael
Hi there! I'm glad you shared this with us. I really like the structure you have going. One thing I would highly recommend is to punctuate your poem, that would help so much with your flow, since I'm not sure where one thought ends and another begins.
I'm not really sure what to get from the poem, it does have a good rhyme, and the story is obvious, but should I feel anything when reading it? Are you waiting me to feel sad for the writer, having been unjustly killed? Or is it something else? I really didn't feel anything when reading it, and I feel like it would be a much better poem if it did have that weight of emotion behind it.
I'm not really good at helping with rhyme scheme or anything, so I can't really help with the thrown together lines. I do thing "Judged by jury who hated it" doesn't make much sense and should possibly be changed to something else.
Hope this review helps!
this is a very good piece you should be proud of your gift when it comes to writing keep up the good work:)
P.S read my poem on change and leave a comment on goods or bads ASAP