A group of miners break into a system of tunnels, after exploring for a while they come across a skeleton clutching a piece of paper to it's chest. The paper reads
"I wander here
I cannot stay
not to wither
no decay
Here I wander
I sit to pray
send the angels
take me away"
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140,253 Literary Works • 673,075 Reviews
Hey! You get my first review since January, so please bear with me if it isn't too good.
I don't like the intro part. A good poem should stand on it's own, no introduction required. The context of the poem shouldn't matter, be it a skeleton or death or what have you. It should be universal and the reader should be left to interpret it for themselves.
As for the poem itself, it was short and sweet. The lack of punctuation annoyed me, but that may be a stylistic thing, in which case it's no big deal. I do have a few nitpicks, however.
No should be nor
Perhaps "send the angels to take me away" would sound better?
So, that's about it. You are a good writer, as you can keep a steady rhythm and have rhyme scheme that doesn't take anything away from the actual poem. I'd like to see more of your work around her. =]
Yeeeeees! I liiiiike it! I am in a slightly morbid mood this evening so this works. Ooh, it gave me the shivers! I agree with Renn, you should make it into a story.
I really like this, it has a steady rhythm and is morbid. I expect that from you, and you lived up to that!
You really should create an ACTUAL back story to it, and if not I'm asking to use it as plot-starters before you copyright it- by the way, did you steal my angel obsession? >.<
Keep writing, I'm looking forward to a real story. *hint hint*