Secrets
[pre]Secrets. Secrets are what were shrouded in mystery in the bayou of the Old South . Folks around those parts wanted them to disappear and be gone forever. But nature was always willing to spill with the gossipy winds and the incessant pestering heat that played with one’s senses.
Among the many trails leading up to the marshy banks were footprints. The muddy ground had hardened to showcase their imprinted relics. The winds murmured to the dull earth-colored grasses who in turn slumped by the wayside to reveal yet more secrets. On cue, drops of crimson blood appeared on the undergrowth illuminated by the glowering sun fire.
Further along the trail traveled by many, were the gathering flocks of Cypress giants. Branches wickedly outstretched, sprawled, tantalizing the reverent waters. The area was now vacant except for the stunted branches that laid piously beside their towering fathers. Ashen tips, their soul's long burnt out from the unending summer’s night.
The sun, now dying, hid in defeat behind the Cypresses. The scent of the air turned like the tides. Permeated throughout the air was the smell of rot and disdain.
An unremitting pattern of creaks fragmented the silence from behind one of the roosting Cypress trees. A sinister arm exultingly brandished it’s latest jewelry.
A dilapidated rope dangled mercilessly while a noose upheld a lifeless body of a man. The man’s pleading, glazed eyes sunken into the charcoal like skin. His overalls covered with the fingerprints of malice and irrational hatred.
Mourners dressed in black cawed out as they winged away from the bayou.[/pre]
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was an interesting story. At first, I was not very sure about where you were planning to take this. The entire story felt more like a descriptive piece to me and I spent a long time searching for the plot. Unfortunately, I did not find any so I am going to assume that the story was never about that.
An underlying theme of the story is secrets. I am not sure how it exactly ties to the center of the story, but it has been mentioned pretty heavily and is in the very title of the story. I was waiting for the revelation of some dark and abhorrent secret that is going to change the entire course of the story. I am not sure if the dead body hanging by the rope was meant to serve as that revelation, but it felt a little anti-climatic to me, especially considering the extensive build-up we have received until that point. Mostly, it did not work for me because we really have no idea about who this man is or why he ended up like this. His death is tragic, of course, but it does not mean anything to us because of the lack of background information.
Another thing that did not sit well with me was the descriptions. Don't get me wrong, I really love descriptions and I usually depend on them to establish a scene. In fact, I kind of loved how you have used your descriptions to paint a rather haunting visual in front of us. Your descriptions not only established the scene with excellence but they also created this kind of a sinister environment that automatically sends a chill down your spine. I loved the feeling of anticipation you have created, putting us on edge and making us wait with held breaths for the other shoe to drop. Half of the time I was waiting for a ghost to jump out from behind a tree and yell boo at my face.
However, I thought that the descriptions were a little too wordy. You have already set the scene so brilliantly. You did not need to put so many big adjectives and adverbs to transform your sentences. While, descriptions are always a treat to read, yours became a little problematic because of all the big and complicated words we had to cross before actually understanding what the sentence is trying to say. It kind of takes away the essence of the scene and upsets the simplicity and the natural establishment of the scene. Instead it starts to feel like something flamboyant that was always included to catch the attention of the readers.
For example, here, phrases like 'earth-colored grasses' and 'glowering sun fire' do not make much sense and don't paint a very clear picture. Grass has always been green to me and I would probably write the latter as "glowering fire of the sun" or change it completely if it does not seem very appealing this way either.
On a totally unrelated note, I loved the description in this sentence.
Overall, this was a good story. I felt as if it did not exactly hit that mark for me maybe because I did not really get what you were trying to present. Its like we rose to a great height, experienced all the tension and the anticipation, but only to miss the mark and fall down unceremoniously back to where we started.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Instead of indentation, we use spaces in between paragraphs.
The first paragraph sets of up for the secrets that are revealed by nature. The blood, the footprints etc....Those are the secrets, and in the end all those reveal the greater secret. The hung man.
Sorry, I had to use the "Pre" button because it has my indents, and am not sure where the indention button is on here.
This was good. Your description is superb. This is probably my favorite line:
Dunno why but it is
However, your first paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of the story from what I can see. Tell the reader what the heck secrets have to do with the dead man! I want to know. Make the story longer, give it more conflict. The piece, though well written, really has no purpose. What does it mean? Who is the man? What is the secret? Tell us more!
Change this to: "Secrets were shrouded in mystery at the bayou of the Old South." You used the word 'in' twice in the same sentence and the 'are what' made the sentence cumbersome. Also, be specific about the where of your story. Tell me where the bayou is.
I think this is a typo. Did you mean willing to spill? Check it out. Give it a bandaid.
Anyways, good job. Make it longer and give me more story along with your short. Also, get rid of the font and just stick with default. Please.
-Kylan