Joggers float by,
arrogant or
truly happy
but the ones laughing are always in groups
and the scent of time closes up behind them
Speech shutters to silence,
silence to the hollows of nature,
and nature lasts until a Boeing trails a reminder overhead of where you are.
There is an ice cream serenade coming from a distant yellow van.
The man,
balding with Manhattan hair,
stringing to the earth fumes from mildew cans.
He doesn't fit well with the happy boink music
so he hides until the children arrive and alluring the innocence.
The circus music does that,
spinning,
the whistling trees,
the jet roar
The chattering, lonely families and the quiet joggers,
content in motion, content in sound
One boy has no money and walks empty handed from the yellow manhattan man's van,
Silent, alone and neutral in color.
Hardly walking now, barely stepping, stopping,
and whistling to the trees.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hehehe, we are young. That's the deal.
Still, the imagery is pretty good. Just listen to xanthan... she's right on cue.
"Little one"? You prove my point *laughs* I'm not trying to be a bad-ass, I'm a moderator and I feel it is my will to step-in when someone has the wrong attitude.
Words are words: if you think I'm trying to be pretentious that's for you to decide but that's just what I wanted to use at that time - don't try to extract pointless conclusions from it all. Your comment was unneeded and I'm just defending their youth. Anyway, this is off-topic. If you want to reply to this, PM me. I'll be happy to entertain you.
I wouldn't try to sound 'uber cool' by putting words like percieved and via in your criticisms.
Leave your ego at the door little one, no one is challenging you. I can't stand people that try piss on others to feel better about who they are. I didn't mean any disrespect so take off the billy badass cloak.
This is a Young Writers Society, I thought for someone of your perceived "maturity" via your age would have been clever enough to notice that. Obviously age is no indication of intelligence or common sense. Go figure.
Man you guys are young, what's the deal!?
I thought this painted a good picture of a summer evening, kind of quiet and sleepy as the sun is going down.
I liked this part especially:
Some lines could be divided into two for the sake of even-ness - for example:
otherwise, i love the scene that this presents. the joggers, with the true fact that the laughers are in a group..and almost that slight jealousy toward them lingered there.... i don't know. The ice cream man sort of leaned into a rapist feeling, which I believe was a bit too dark for the poem - thankfully, you didn't get into that. i'd portray him less heavily. and then, the kid with no money - that's what touched me. partially because i could relate, and just partially because that last line was great.