Published August 21, 2011
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137,698 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
(This might look familiar to some of you)
I don't consider myself a serious poet. I don't consider myself a poet at all. In fact, I don't believe poetry is my strong point. I'll definitely reconsider my approach to critics. This random piece was just for enjoyment. I've taken seriously the critiques towards every other piece of my work. If you don't believe me, you can look for yourself in my portfolio.
I do appreciate critics. None of you know me personally, so don't claim to. I realize my past actions did nothing to support my appreciation for true critics. I realize what I did was undeniably wrong, and I apologize if I came across as arrogant or prideful. None of this was my intention. I just thought I was writing a poem.
H.
Haha. Sometimes, reviewers can be silly. One time, they yelled at me when they found out that I was going to revise something, because they really liked that work. Then they read my revision, and it actually made them cry because it affected them so deeply. Before, it had simply entranced them
Don't be afraid to revise, if that is something you would like to do. The author is finally the one who knows best... the reviewers are only secondary.
I love the purity in this and found that it flowed beautifully! It seemed like it came right from your heart and was completely genuine.
Alright everyone, let me clear up this whole issue, before people start snapping at me some more.
I didn't mean for my comment to be rude. I really do appreciate criticism on my work. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate it.
The problem was after I told a whole group of people that I was going to change my poem, I received a swarm of messages begging me not to. I got a lot of different advice at once. I was telling some people one thing and other people different things. It was all very messy, so I thought I would just let everyone on the thread know that I wasn't going to change it, no matter what.
It ended up sounding very offensive and I apologize.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone and I really do appreciate helpful criticism. : )
Also, after people told you to consider their criticisms, you replied by saying you are proud of your poem's "success"...
You are on a website that is meant for new writers, has no prerequisites, and a few people liked it on said website. What success is it that you see? Also, the majority of the people who were enthralled by this poem happened to be under the age of 16. I'd explain but I think with a little thought you'll catch my point.
AND, most importantly, if you don't learn to appreciate the criticism of people who are OVER the age considered by the legal community as "juvenile", then you won't ever get anywhere as a writer and you will completely and utterly fail. But, if your reference point for success is based off of gaining a few underage fans on a free website, I might be wrong about that.
I just have a question. The poem wasn't terrible, it wasn't great, either, as many people have said. I could sit here and tell you what to do with it linguistically or grammatically or what vocabulary would strengthen the meaning but then it wouldn't be your work anymore, and I think enough people have given you advice already. So. As previously stated, I. Just. Have. A. Question.
What is it that you are talking about can't be found in any hell's embrace, and what is your understanding of a "hell"?
Wow... I'm speechless. Very profound and very awe inspiring.
An incredible, yet short, poem. It all just sort of has this beautiful, effortless, aspect to it, although I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. Great work, loved it! Short and sweet was definitely the way to go for this poem!
Wow, this is really, really amazingly good!
Deep and touching, and even though it's short it's far from simple and you've managed to capture emotion and deliver your message even though you've only written four lines! Nice job!
* You've used great structure!
* The flow is impeccable
* You deliver your message in a very good way - this has got meaning!
* I barely noticed the rhyming because they were so smooth and like miles away from forced, but the fact that you've used them eased the flow and increased the awesomness with this even more!
* No grammatic errors!
- This is just sort of Perfect!
You get all five of my icky, sticky spiders for this!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
:O my jaw just dropped open on that one. Haha, it's still ooooopen!!!! anyways. I love that. That's all I can say
GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!
Lotsa love,
~Kat
I appreciate the help, but I’m not going to change it.
Connect with my audience? It already has connected with multiple people and I am proud of my work and how successful it has turned out to be.
More people have expressed their desire for me to keep it the way it is. I'm not being ignorant, I’ve just realized that there are many people that really understood what I was trying to get across in my poem and preferred that I not change it.
I can’t please every critic and I won’t bend to please them. I wrote this primarily for a Christian audience, too. Wrestling angels, climbing mountains, and seeking redemption and grace are all alluding to specific Biblical stories and the search for God and receiving His aid and grace. There’s a much bigger picture behind this story that most of my audience has recognized and enjoyed. Mission accomplished.
Again, I appreciate your help, but after I mentioned to the lot of you that I would change it, I realized I didn’t have to and I didn’t need to. : )
Fine, we'll just as happily not help you try and connect to the rest of your audience; writers who openly refuse to listen to criticism in a public manner need a reality check. Your reader is just as important, if not MORE important than your writing itself.
Nice Job!!!! It's me paige btw. Lol.
Hi there, Hayden.
Technically, it is your fault as a writer if a reader doesn’t quite get what you're talking about. I’m going to pick at this despite your stating you won’t change anything because you made the choice to put it on a critiquing site, and this is what we do on a critiquing site—we critique. Besides, I think it’s very easy for people to look at a piece with either an inspirational message or some form of risqué material (read Christian writings and poems about girls with bad attitudes) and just melt into its arms without even considering that it needs quality as well, which this rather lacks. With that said, let’s dive in.
Let’s begin with the easy stuff and work our way up. First off, nix the capitalized “To” in line three—it’s not necessary to capitalize the first letter of each line, and lots and lots of people think it is. You write poetry either with correct grammar or no grammar at all, unless it’s completely intentional, in which case you should want to defend your choice.
If you’re going to do a poem with rhyme and rhythm, it needs to be spot-on, or it’s a turn-off for the reader. Or should be, at least. Look at this:
So there’s no pattern, no setup that makes it appealing in rhythm. I’ll give you points, however, in using rhyme well, despite only having two rhymes—they’re good and don’t feel too forced…
…except for the second pair. I’ve been around the church circle long enough to know how easy it is to plug grace into a poem or song when you have ‘face’ or ‘race’ or ‘space’ or ‘embrace’ floating around. It’s natural for a Christian, I think, because it’s one of those church words that mean something different to Christians than most people. So, in this regard, you’ve shown yourself no more a brilliant, impacting writer than the six-year-old girl scribbling “Jesus loves me—this I know for the Bible tells me so” on her Sunday School drawing of David and the sheep. And since this couplet of rhymes embodies the poem, I suggest playing with it.
Anyway, if I were being embraced by hell, I imagine I would request a few things—rescue, water, a flame-retardant vest—before asking for grace. Given that, I want to see what kind of hells are embracing you. And since I want to see that, I’m going to second-and-third the other two reviewers who’ve given thorough feedback in saying that it needs expansion. It won’t be easy, but it will give you power—and power is something that I think all people with inspirational pieces need. If you want to evangelize, then you need to appeal to your harshest critic. If you want to inspire, then you need to connect. This piece doesn’t do either of those things for me because I can’t see anything or feel anything. They’re a mere four lines building up to a point made before I even opened the thread…which brings me to the title.
If you’re not going to have originality anywhere else, for god’s sake please have it in the title! It makes me a sad Lumi when I see such gray, blobby things floating around, especially when they come from those who claim to have divine inspiration. Make the title clever. Make it appealing.
And there are more things that I could pick apart here, but I doubt you’d take it into consideration.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
-Lumi
I'll expand the poem... or not. : )
I like it the way it is. I like the simplicity and I wrote it with a message that was powerful to me. It's not my fault if you don't get it the way I do.
Hi Hayden!
I know this is going to sound awful, but I would really like to see this piece expanded on a bit. For example, as it is, there is all the makings of something good, but it seems a bit hollow right now.
Uh... let me explain.
Fallen is what I am. Redemption is what I seek.
I’ll wrestle every angel, and climb the highest peak
To find what can’t be found in any hell’s embrace.
So this is good because you're telling a story that is very personal and which has a lot of inherent conflict in it. Plus, you have the threat of hell, the torturous struggle out... it's a good thing! However, the next line is a bit of a non sequitar:
If I could have one thing, it would be Your grace.
I mean, it's not bad, but it kind of ends the conflict before you flesh out and develop it. I do like the lingering thoughts, but I want more. There are so many good poems that talk about the struggle toward God... Dante's Divine Comedy, Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress strike my head for starters. And then you have the other, shorter poems like Donne's poetry (I like Holy Sonnet 14,) and so on. What make these poems great, as opposed to just a passing thing, is that we can feel the struggle toward God. And it's a beautiful thing.
So definitely keep this in mind and see if you can develop this poem further.
How should I word this. It's not bad, there is proper grammar and I liked your choice of words, but none of this excites me. Like MeanMrMustard said, it's cliched. I've seen this before.
Also, I have no idea of what you're trying to make as your point. I'll admit, I do enjoy poems that leave room to be built upon, but your poem seems to not tell me enough, and does it in a way that I can't build on.
The title really doesn't reflect what the poem's about. Yes, the word grace is in the poem. I think you could have just gotten a better name for it, possibly longer and less cliched.
Which leads me on to my next point, you didn't elaborate enough. You can make this longer and I think it would have been better this way.
I refuse to sum everything up so I'll just say bye.
Bye.
It's cliche.
What's more to say with so few lines?
None of the lines embrace me, engage me, give me the visceral, let me experience; they're full of presupposed assumptions. The title itself is lacking anything to help a reader connect beyond seeing what one wants; l'art pour l'art without something I can find...depth in.
For what it's worth I approached this without any pre-disposition to anything, as I always do. Show me those mountains. Show the wrestles with angels. Show the hellish embraces; create experiences. Avoid short poetry for such heady writing; don't be afraid to take this to longer lengths.
Short but really truly amazing! It sounds deep but it's not really that too hard to understand
This is what they call "Write to express, not to impress. " 
This is simply amazing, so deep yet not too hard to understand. Things like this makes me start thinking for myself. Thank you for such an awesome poem!!!
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This is beautiful, it's like taking on a lifetime of quotes in one breath, you know. It's just eye widening and beautiful. Keep writing!! There's not much to nitpick,so I'll just leave it at that!!
Good job, now this deserves to be featured. All I have to say, is this was beautiful, and you do have God's grace.
This is simply awesome! You've managed to make a poem that rhymes consistently, flows smoothly, and get the message across perfectly! And the fact that you did it in four lines - that is just amazing! This is honestly, truly inspiring.
Go Hayden! Well done as always!
I really liked this poem! It was actually very deep and well structured, without even having to be a whole page long. I also felt the message was a very powerful one :3 ...aren't we all seeking his grace in one way or another
Wow, this was really beautiful. The first sentence captured me completely. My favorite line was: Redemption is what I seek. That was perfect. It was simple, but so greatly composed that it didn't need many words. Great job!
What honestly inspired me to write this is unknown. The words just came to me and I had to write them down.
Personally, I have a passion for Jesus. I guess that would explain the inspiration for the poem. The one thing I want in life is His grace and love, and I know no infernal body or force can provide it.
Thanks everyone for the reviews and likes!
Wow, I think XxJoJoxX said it best.
This is everything you need to say in four lines. If you can write something this amazing in under five lines, you will be able to write that college essay with no trouble whatsoever, just saying.
If you don't mind me asking, what inspired this?
Also, are you religious or was it just for the voice of the narrator?
Sorry if I'm prying...wonderful job, I mean that.
~SnowBerry
This is wonderful! Short and sweet, easy to understand but deep. Someone who can put those elements successfully together has talent ( and God's help ).
Very nice!
This was very beautiful and that's all I really want to say. I hope nobody tries to harshly critique this and mold it into something it isn't. It flowed nicely and had simple, yet deep meaning. Please keep writing!
Dang, that's deep.
It's short enough, but long enough to convey the message.
You rock!
*likes*
God bless!
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-Jojo