Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The skies were blue, and the breeze was fair, perfect for hunting.
Angelou Alivins crouched in the dirt beside her teammates Nina and Raisa. They were covered in mud, but alert. They've been there for hours in the same position, hunger gnawing at their stomachs, and their patience running thin.
"This damn meat needs to hurry and get shot," Raisa growled.
"Rai, if you scare the deer away I'll be eating you for the festival," Nina hissed.
Angelou quickly hushed them both. The forest was dead silent and every sound could be heard. In a way it was good for them, but also for their game. Every breath, every rustle, every step could be heard. So once more, they fell into silence; waiting.
They were only a little ways from the village but it felt like they were the only ones in the world. The only sounds were of the birds chirping and a nearby stream trickling through the undergrowth. Angelou could only imagine one word for the scene; Peaceful.
There they continued to wait, dressed in deerskin to mask their scent, bows strung and ready, and eyes peeled.
A tinge of annoyance pierced through Angelou. Despite the perfect weather, their quarry was still nowhere to be found. Even still, they had no choice but to wait because the prey would dart at the slightest rustle. So there they stayed.
The bright blue sky slowly started turn into the orange hue of dusk. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes to hours when they finally caught its scent. Their noses picked it out immediately. As one, their eyes focused on the source of the smell.
It didn't take long. Only a couple paces away they caught sight of it. The dappled pelt, beady eyes, and giant antlers-- a deer. It was plump and ready for the taking. But the best part was the deer had no idea that its life was in their hands, and it was about to be snuffed out.
In unison, the three girls slowly drew their bows barely able to keep their excitement under control. Strings taunt, they took aim, careful in every move. Careful not to release any killing intent. So, when the time was right, they let their arrows fly.
Even before she heard the satisfying thunk of her arrow hitting home, she knew it would. Angelou never missed. Hybrids were natural predators, natural killers, natural survivors.
Together with Raisa and Nina, she painfully rose to her feet, a job well done. All three of them had the same caramel colored-skin, a trait of the Hybrids. That and their silver eyes, dilated to a slit. But where as Angelou's hair was shaggy and brown, Nina's was straight and blonde, and Raisa's was black and decorated with an assortment of beads.
A few short paces and they were at their prize. Its large brown eyes starred lifelessly towards the skies. In them, she could see herself. Eyes shining in the dim light of dusk, and body stiff, ready for battle. In a way, she couldn't blame the other races for hating her kind. She did look pretty feral.
"About damn time," Muttered Raisa.
"I could eat this thing raw..." Nina said. "Like, totally a thing."
Nina eagerly stepped forward but Angelou reached out and grabbed her hand. She was almost yanked off her feet by Nina's monstrous strength. Sometimes she forgot that such a small frame held the power of five human men, double the speed.
"What'll they say when we bring a deer carcass back to the village?" Angelou said. "They already think we're wild animals."
Raisa too stepped forward licking her lips. A faint smile across her face. "What have they ever done for us? Plus, us 'wild animals' get mighty dangerous when they're hungry."
Angelou's hand snaked out and grabbed Raisa's hand too, but this time, she was yanked off her feet. She landed on the soft forest floor with a small thud. Raisa was the strongest out of the three, and food in front of her made her even more so.
By the time Angelou got up, her two friends were already at the deer. They reached out to touch it but before they could a blue light shot out from the forest and enveloped the deer in a blue light.
The second the two touched the light, a crack louder than thunder echoed through the forest. Nina and Raisa were launched into the air and hit the ground; hard. They looked more confused than hurt. Even still, their cloths were steaming, and their hair stood on end. There was only one force in the world that could do something like that.
Magic... Angelou thought.
"The shit-stain that did that had better start running," Raisa growled.
Just then, a child no more than fourteen walked out from behind a tree wearing a cocky grin. The sky-blue eyes of an Arcane, with bratty blonde hair. Angelou immediately recognized him. Dallin from Division One. An Arcane boy who thought he was at the top of the world because he could cast a couple spells. He looked down on Hybrids. Saw them as little more than humanoid beasts. The fact that he was in the strongest Division didn't help his ego.
The second he came into view the smell of magic hit her like a brick. It was like a sweet honey with a spicy undertone. The smell was intoxicating and dulled her senses. Out of everything in the world, Angelou hated that smell more than anything. It didn't help that she lived with eighty of them, making a walk through the village almost unbearable.
From then on, she made it a point to breath through her mouth.
"Hey runt, you made me bite my tongue. How you gonna pay for that?" Raisa said.
"I already did. By allowing a slave to train in the Hero's Village. You should be back in the cages of Astria," Dallin said. "Dirty Hybrid."
"You've never been to Astria have ya' runt? Hows bout I send you there one finger at a time," Raisa said.
The two stared at each other. Each one waiting for the other to make their move. Hybrids were faster than Arcane, and the Arcane needed time to weave their spells. Once their spells went off though... it was enough to level an entire village. Raisa was fast, but she'd hurt her leg in the fall. There was no way she'd get there in time.
Even if she did, and killed Dallin, all three of them would be killed in turn. Hybrids were slaves used as lab rats and pack animals. The only reason the three of them got to live in the Heroes Village, being trained by the elites, was because their parents were war heroes in the Old War. Even still, killing an Arcane, the most noble of noble, would not be overlooked.
"Rai... don't," Angelou said.
Raisa paid her no heed and crept slowly forward. The blood-lust in her eyes getting more and more intense.
In response, Dillian's magical aura flared. His power started to become visible, seeping off his hands like a heavy blue fog.
There was a moment of complete silence...then it happened. Raisa dashed forward, Angelou scrambled to her feet and raced after her, and flash of light pierced through the forest. She felt a sharp pain on her cheek but ignored it. A grunt, a roar, and it was over in the blink.
Angelou stood in front of Raisa, her arms braced against her shoulders pushing her to a halt. Even with all her strength, Angelou slowly skid backwards in the dirt. She felt the warm metallic feeling of blood ooze down the side of her cheek.
"Get outta my way! I'm going to kill that cocky lil' Arcane!" Raisa roared. "Ya'll think you're so amazing because ya' can do a couple magic tricks! Bullshit! I'll rip your head off before ya' can even call out for mommy!"
Angelou could feel a the intense heat of the barrier against her back. If Raisa pushed her any closer it wouldn't just be Raisa in trouble. She'd trained with enough Arcane to know what happens when a fully charged magical barrier is placed and something uninvited dares touch it.
If Raisa ran into that at full strength, it would've done more than made her bite her tongue. But there was something wrong. Dallin was a powerful Arcane but even Angelou could tell the barrier was too strong to be his. A girl's voice from behind her confirmed her thoughts.
"Dallin stand down," she said.
Angelou heard Dallin argue, but didn't have time to pay attention. Raisa still wanted blood, and she would get it if she let her go.
"Rai... look at me," Angelou said. "Look at me Rai!"
Raisa forced Angelou back as the heat intensified making her blood boil. Raisa was out of it and she couldn't even hear her. Once more she pushed Angelou back another step. The moment her leg grazed the barrier, she heard a sharp hiss and felt a flaring hot pain, the smell of burnt flesh filling the air. Angelou yelped but held her ground because if she let Raisa go, they both would be fried.
Angelou pushed back with all her might but she couldn't stop her- she couldn't stop them from going into the barrier. When her other foot touched the barrier, that's when panic took hold. She couldn't stop her. She was at her limit.
Just as her arms gave out, so did Raisa's assault. Raisa was yanked backwards and Angelou on top of her exhausted and out of breath, she lay there the terror still fresh.
It took awhile, but her body finally relaxed. Angelou rolled off Raisa and struggled to stand. Her feet were killing her, but she'd live. She was more concerned about Raisa. One look at her, and she could tell that the worst was over. Her anger was quickly replaced by exhaustion. Her head drooped, and she covered her face with her sleeve silent tears streaming down her face.
"Don't look down on me damn it..." Raisa mumbled.
Nina squirmed from underneath Raisa. Angelou figured she was the one to pull her backwards. After all, nobody else cared enough to. They only had each other.
With that thought, Angelou shrugged off her deerskin jacket and draped it over Raisa's face. She wouldn't let them to see her tears.
With that done she turned to face Shiro. The leader of Division one, the strongest in the Hero's Village. Angelou didn't know how to feel about her. All that she knew was the barrier she placed saved them from whatever spell Dallin launched- even if the barrier itself almost did the job for him.
Angelou owed her one.
All Arcane are the same. Angelou reminded herself. She's no different.
Averting her gaze, she turned to inspect her feet. They had been badly burned, but Hybrids healed fast anyway. Another boon to being a 'Monster'.
"Your feet," Shiro said.
Angelou jumped. She'd been so deep in thought she didn't notice the barrier coming down, or Shiro walk up behind her. But there she was, the Princess of the land. So regal, with her silky black hair, long lashes, and perfect frame. Boys must have loved her.
"What do you want?" Angelou asked. "Enjoy seeing us get pushed around knowing we can't argue? Huh princess?
Shiro didn't say anything. Just stared. Angelou didn't get it. Even when Shiro broke her gaze, and walked back into the forest with Dallin in toe. Angelou concluded that she came just to torment them. Torment the 'lowly' Hybrids.
"Just another day in hell," Nina sighed.
With that, the three girls picked up the deer and headed back to the Heroes Village. It was time for the festival.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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AdjiFlex here! Let me see, as a lover of fantasy, I really enjoyed this chapter. Though it wasn't very long, I've experienced much of this world you have created by it. You have done a really good job describing the girls and their race in general without dumping information on the reader. I'll read your next chapter as soon as I submit this review. Arcanes seem pretty powerful but it's clear the Hybrids are far from being weak. This was certainly an engaging chapter. The short battle scene was a good tease to get action lovers to want to read the next chapter. Really good work.
Now on to the technical part - grammar. I can be a bit extensive and critical when reviewing grammar, but I only have the best intentions.
In the first paragraph, "none the less" should be one word. Also, more natural syntax would have it read "They were covered in mud, but alert nonetheless."
I also noticed a small problem with your dialogue. If what is written as direct speech is not an exclamation or a question, you should end it with a comma instead of a period before you say who was speaking. Example: After 'shot' in the first line of speech, there should be a comma instead of a period.
I also noticed a few fragments that you should consider making into complete senteces. Take the second of these two sentences for example; 'There they continued to wait. Dressed in deerskin to mask their scent, bows strung and ready, and eyes peeled.' To fix this, you could exchange the period for a comma.
Also, be careful you do not confuse "its" with "it's" or make similar errors. I see a recurrence of this error a number of times in the chapter. The error is made here in the first section of the chapter: "...when they finally caught it's scent." Be careful, too, of confusing "you're" with "your", like in this sentence:
Also, be careful of redundant phrases, e.g: "They reached out to touch it but before they could a blue light snaked out from the forest and enveloped the deer in a blue light.""You're feet." Shiro said."
So overall, very good chapter. Just pay attention to the small errors I pointed out to make your writing even more solid.
Keep writing!
Alright thanks for the feedback! I'll fix those things right away
Hi, cool story.
It's fantastic how you conveyed the respect that Angelou showed to the beasts they are fighting. The fight scene was also written well. I got a bit confused as all of the others catch up with Angelou and Soren but you introduced each new character nicely by adding a sentence describing them as they arrive.
deep within the forest on the outskirts of the capital city, Astria. Is a bit of a contradiction to real life capital cities but might make sense in the world which you have created. Outskirts indicates that the village is linked to the city usually by housing or farm land, but the conversation which follows indicates that the city is far enough away for Angelou not to have seen it. Deep with in the forest, within ___ long journey to the capital city would give more information.
("Oh sis! Welcome back!" Angelou waved.) How they are welcoming Yole doesn’t make it clear if she was racing with them or came from some where else on her own mission. As they greet her as though they haven’t seen her for ages, I get that the comment "Oh hey, welcome to the party Yole." Is joking around.
Behind Yole popped out with Dallin in toe. Is probably- Behind Yole, Dallin popped out.
Her body tingled with excitement to go back home. Would read better as- Her body tingled with excitement to be back home.
That’s just nit picking though it’s a great story and has lots of potential to continue.
All the best, Ferran
Hey! Thank you so much for the review! I really gained a lot from your feedback so I can make this story better! Thanks
Actually I am replacing this chapter with an updated version. I decided to change the characters roles in the story, incorporate race clashes, and introduce my cast more slowly. Even still, thank you for your review. Before I post it I will apply your advice to my current one. (still held true xD)
Your welcome, the new version is great!
The caricatures are introduced much more clearly in this version and the tension between the classes, which was hinted at in the original, creates lots of potential. Warning don%u2019t make it too like hunger games or divergent%u2019s classes because it%u2019s your story. The descriptions gave a brilliant background without the dreaded information dump.
But I miss the fight with the beasts because of the suspense it created and the group dynamic of the original. Maybe you could put in a similar scene in a later chapter, now that you have a good introduction. However it%u2019s your story so do as you please.
Only nit picking for this version is you use the word game to many times; quarry, prey or it could be used to make that paragraph flow better.
Other than that Well Done! I%u2019m about to read the next chapter. All the best - Ferran
Hey thanks for the feedback! I also liked the fight scene. I will take you up on your advice and defiantly put that later on. In fact I've already thought of a good way to do it.
As for the 'game' issue. I will fix that right away. Thanks for giving me other words I could use in place of that.
Don't worry, it won't become like the hunger games. I think that the reading community has had enough of that. xD