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Interlude

by Cloudkid


The gentle buzz
of lightning bugs
and soft warmth of summer nights -
that, that is my new years
resolution to you.

Honeysuckle sweet love,
dripping like hard candy, the scent of cherry,
licking lips and sweet taste of skin
and mapping out this year in kisses.

Fireworks and dancing languidly,
close, too close, friction on friction
and smooth, soft hands.

A full moon
on a dark night
and a million twinkling stars,
watching from the grass
where we lay hand in hand
and you get your lipstick on my teeth.

Sharing sweaters and swapping eyelash wishes,
armed with sharpies and good intentions,
spelling out our resolutions
on concrete walls
and on each other's souls. 


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771 Reviews


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Sat Jan 12, 2019 6:16 am
alliyah wrote a review...



This is an incredibly sweet poem. I can't get over how great that last stanza is,

Sharing sweaters and swapping eyelash wishes,
armed with sharpies and good intentions,
spelling out our resolutions
on concrete walls
and on each other's souls.


-> the phrasing is so smart, and the imagery evokes a lot of emotion and connections for me. Like I don't know what "eyelash wishes" would even be, but you picture the speaker/partner getting close enough to brush eye-lashes, without you as the writer having to spell it out. Really clever imagery, that builds an entire scene and lets the reader fill in the details.

Some little comments/critiques here and there:

stanza 1: "new years" I think normally has an apostrophe, unless it's for plural years - which would be an interesting subtle grammar move. The part I felt was a bit clunky was the repetition of "that" in line 4 - it makes sense, but is a bit awkward to read. The rest of the poem had pretty good flow I thought and your sound devices here and there helped with that.

Also stanzas 2: two issues: I thought "dripping like hard candy" was a bit of an odd visual mix -> since hard candy doesn't drip I don't think? And you repeat "sweet" twice - could change up one for more word economy.

stanza 3: I liked mixed contrasting imagery starting with fireworks and languidly dancing - because it's both exciting and restful, which can encapsulate a lot of emotions people go through with spending time with their loved one. The "friction/friction" I thought was a bit too "on the nose," but it does follow the contrasting imagery thing followed with "smooth/soft".

stanza 4: had the potential to become cliche - with the star/hand holding imagery - but you take it into a more personal/intimate/unique encounter with the lipstick line. I love that twist, and I think it really makes the stanza work, and also makes it kind of fun.

stanza 5: is definitely my favorite, really incredible imagery pairings there. I'm a little conflicted with the last line "on each other's souls" - feels a bit dramatic, like the build-up sort of makes it work, to end in that, but it feels a little extreme to me. I don't dislike it, but did want to point out it reads a bit dramatically. I kept re-reading that last stanza when you posted it in Poem a Week, and was like, "this is good. gosh, that's a good stanza". Really well done!

And then capitalization, punctuation looked consistent, spelling looked fine - so no issues on that front.

Definitely a sweet reflection on a relationship, that gets these really great personal details in it that make the poetry and emotion come alive. I think a lot of people can relate to the story of a growing relationship, of putting a new year's resolution on a person, and of spending time with the people they love. Thanks for sharing your poetic talents Cloud!

Let me know if you had any questions about my review!

~alliyah




Cloudkid says...


Thanks alliyah! I'll definitely look back and maybe prune it to help with rhythm. I'll keep your suggestions in mind and I appreciate your review!



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Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:13 pm
mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hello Cloudkid,

I loved this. So much. Your imagery is superb and your language is gorgeous. Read this one twice!

Onto the review...

The gentle buzz
of lightning bugs
and soft warmth of summer nights -
that, that is my new years
resolution to you.

Honeysuckle sweet love,
dripping like hard candy, the scent of cherry,
****Loved this line, 'dripping like hard candy.'
licking lips and sweet taste of skin
and mapping out this year in kisses.
****Mapping out this year... such well written imagery.

Fireworks and dancing languidly,
close, too close, friction on friction
and smooth, soft hands.

A full moon
on a dark night
and a million twinkling stars,
watching from the grass
where we lay hand in hand
and you get your lipstick on my teeth.
*****Perhaps omit the word 'your' here. Threw off rhythm a bit for me.

Sharing sweaters and swapping eyelash wishes,
armed with sharpies and good intentions,
spelling out our resolutions
on concrete walls
and on each other's souls.

Overall, I thought this was excellent. My only gentle tidbit is... perhaps read this aloud to yourself in a few weeks and work on pruning here and there for rhythm. There were parts that felt just a little clunky or uneven. Reading out loud should help with that.

If you have any questions, pm me. :)

Write On,
mav


Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.com




Cloudkid says...


Thanks Mavis! I'll definitely keep these suggestions in mind when I go back and edit this. I appreciate your review, and thanks!





You got it. :)



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83 Reviews


Points: 4674
Reviews: 83

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Wed Jan 09, 2019 2:57 am
Liberty500 says...



Good job Cloudkid! :D
That's quite a poem you've got there! :wink:




Cloudkid says...


Thank you!



Liberty500 says...


Your very welcome! :D




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