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Greed

by Bullet


You make me want

to swallow a sparrow whole,

engulf the beauty

for myself

and set fire to the nest.

I'm greedy.


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Wed Aug 05, 2020 3:56 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey Artie! A smol cute pome this time.

Pros:
+ What an odd image. I love it. Eating a sparrow to absorb its beauty is something I've never come across. With images like these, you make your poems memorable.
+ I like the line breaks. They make total sense to me, and you kind of use them as punctuation, too.

Cons:
- you explain yourself at the end of the poem. Trust the reader. You say that you want to take the sparrow's beauty for yourself, and destroy its home. That sounds greedy enough to me! Take off the ending line to create a more solid poem.
- Let's look at this line:

engulf the beauty

I'm not sure if you're aware, but I find it boring when people use the big concept word in their poem. Beauty is one of these words. Maybe instead of saying that outright, you can describe the exact beauty that you want from the sparrow. If you want to turn into the sparrow, just say that, but I don't think that's your intention here. Do you want your hair to be as shiny as the feathers of the sparrow? Do you want its singing voice? Sparkling eyes? You get the picture. Be more specific, and use fewer big concept words.

Honestly, that's all I have for this brief little poem. I enjoyed reading it! Happy poeting!




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Mon Feb 25, 2019 5:29 pm
kostia says...



Hello there
I m Kostia and I m here to give you a review for this piece.
Let's start then!

I want to start by saying I liked it and it is a very delicate and accurate way to describe greed. I found it to be quite inspirational and the warding was smooth and simple, which I appreciate.

However I can hardly look at it as a poem since it is very small and hardly has a theme. I would like it to be the ending of a poem about life or maybe sins? I don't know that is really your choice of topic.

I absolutely think you have to add some verses to it if you want to call it a poem.

However for a brief first draft it is not bad and there is a good idea into it that you should embed.

I encourage your inspirational thought although I think it needs some work to become a poem. It could be a pretty good quote though. I can say that I enjoyed it. I really hope to see the edited version of it.

If you choose to add more verses and themes I would love to see it expressed through the struggle of life or the concept of industrialism vs nature or even a religious themed poem about the seven deadly sins. It can be applied to any of this and fit in beautifly as the closing of a poem.

Think about it! I hope I was helpful!

Keep up the good work!




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Mon Feb 25, 2019 5:28 pm
kostia wrote a review...



Hello there
I m Kostia and I m here to give you a review for this piece.
Let's start then!

I want to start by saying I liked it and it is a very delicate and accurate way to describe greed. I found it to be quite inspirational and the warding was smooth and simple, which I appreciate.

However I can hardly look at it as a poem since it is very small and hardly has a theme. I would like it to be the ending of a poem about life or maybe sins? I don't know that is really your choice of topic.

I absolutely think you have to add some verses to it if you want to call it a poem.

However for a brief first draft it is not bad and there is a good idea into it that you should embed.

I encourage your inspirational thought although I think it needs some work to become a poem. It could be a pretty good quote though. I can say that I enjoyed it. I really hope to see the edited version of it.

If you choose to add more verses and themes I would love to see it expressed through the struggle of life or the concept of industrialism vs nature or even a religious themed poem about the seven deadly sins. It can be applied to any of this and fit in beautifly as the closing of a poem.

Think about it! I hope I was helpful!

Keep up the good work!




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Mon Feb 25, 2019 12:39 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.

Okay let's start with the review:

So over all this was a really good, poem and I loved reading it, even though it was a little strange. It took me a wile to get used to it. But it was well written. But I did see one mistake that can be fixed.

ad set fire to the nest

You see the word in bold, I think you meant to say and in stead on ad.
So that's all I could see. I thought you punctuation was really good.

I got what the them was behind this poem, but it did take me a wile to get used to what you said about the sparrow.
It was a little bit of a shame that the poem was short, but I guess it doen't have to be to long.

I hope to see more of your works out on YWS soon. I just love reading your poems. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




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Mon Feb 25, 2019 5:33 am
Liminality wrote a review...



Hello!

I found this a powerful piece. To me, it seemed that it's about wanting to keep something one loves for oneself, in the process preventing the cherished person from living their own life.

You seem to tell so much in such a short text. Each line comes off as strong and authoritative, from "You (make) me want" to "(engulf) the beauty". I also like how you managed to squeeze in an end-rhyme there with "swallow" and "sparrow".

Still, I think it could maybe become stronger if you added just a couple extra words or a line to develop the idea of the nest. While, in my opinion, at least, the idea of wanting to swallow a beautiful bird and keep it for oneself is self-explanatory, I think it would give readers greater insight into your perspective to give more clues as to what the nest represents to you and why it is set on fire. I interpreted the nest as being the "sparrow's" life and maybe other relationships, but that's just speculation on my part.

I hope these comments are helpful somehow. This an amazing piece here, so keep writing!




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Mon Feb 25, 2019 3:18 am
starchaser wrote a review...



Hello! You said you're not really sure what this means in the description, so maybe I can explain what I think it means, along with a review!

By saying you want to swallow a sparrow whole and engulf the beauty for yourself, you are trying to take something away from one thing and keep it to yourself, probably in competition with someone. By saying "and set fire to the nest", you are trying to make sure nobody else can have what you have.

I enjoyed analyzing your poem. Even though it was slightly morbid, it did contain a deeper meaning, which was very interesting. There is one spelling error, but you've probably noticed it, and was most likely unintentional ("ad" instead of "and). Interesting poem!





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