“Samantha!” Clarity screamed. I had tears rolling down my cheeks but I kept running. I had too. There was nothing I could do for her anymore. It was too late for my sister now. And if I didn’t get away, I was going to be next. They had found us, now there was no more hiding. Only running would keep me alive, and that is what I had to do. Run.
My feet were pounding against the hard, wet ground as I sprinted through the streets. My lungs felt as though they were on fire but I couldn’t stop yet. The rain was still pouring. And I was soaked to the bone. I was cold, scared and homeless. I rounded the corner of an alley and hid behind two large bins. I stayed as quiet as I could and listened to the footsteps that had been following me, slow down and eventually stop just in front of where I was hiding.
He was very tall. At least six feet, and had a very muscular build. I could see no other details, the light was not strong enough in the ally.
I was surprised that he hadn’t caught up with me sooner. I watched from my place behind the bins as he stood in the centre of the alley, slowly turning around and scanning the area for any sign that I was hiding there. After a few minutes my pursuer walked further down the alley to investigate a pile of rubble.
I took this as a chance to escape and slowly inched closer to the clear space leading to the main street.
Within a matter of seconds I was on the run again. I had at least two minutes before he figured out I wasn’t in the alley. This was precious time so I turned up my speed and kept sprinting in hope of gaining a larger distance between us. Further up the road I could see a cluster of houses, they all looked occupied, except one. I now had the choice of running further, hoping to find somewhere else... or hide in the house, hoping I would not be seen.
If I carried on running, I might not find shelter for a long time. But if I hid in the house, the hunter might decide to investigate... I was going to have to take a risk. A risk that could either save my life or get me killed.
I ran around the back of the house and looked for an entrance to the home. The back door looked old and slightly rotted, so I decided to kick it open. Sure enough the wood splintered. I now had access to shelter. As fast as possible I got inside and closed the door behind me. I ran through the house, and up the stairs. Four rooms, all empty with the exeption of a few boxes.
I heard movement outside. Silently, I moved into the room furthest away. I hid behind a group of boxes, and just sat there, crying. Crying for my sister, and crying for my mother. I was the only one who survived, and if I lived through tonight. I'll be sure to live my life. I'll have a family. I'll be a regular woman, no more hunters and no more mystery.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This is the perfect prolouge:
You pull the reader in instantly
Leave them wanting more
Leave it open enough for the rest of your story
Develop the character somewhat and have the reader feeling for the character and what they're going through
Everyone already told you about typos and stuff, so I don't have to waste your time with that.
I think this is a great prolouge, and I am now going to go read your first chapter!
Thankyou!
Ok, I'm going to review this too! Duuuuude, I was pulled in immediately. I loved how everything flowed and I really want to know more about this pursuer! He seemed almost like a "Mike Meyers" type. The silent yet dedicated enemy. So is this prologue taking place at the beginning or the end of the character's story? I'd love to see where you go from here. It really is something I look forward to reading more of. Keep going!
Thanks, and it's at the beginning of the story
Hi there!
Thanks for chatting me to request a review. That's never happened to me before. It made me feel special
I like this prologue. It's rather short, but that's a good thing. You give the reader minimal information which makes them want to read more. Your description are good. I can imagine Clarity running across town, hiding behind the dumpster, and finally reaching that house. Very good job with that.
Comments/Suggestions/Critiques:
*was screaming the only way to describe how Clarity said Samantha's name? From reading forward, I had the impression that maybe she was calling out Samantha's name in desperation, begging her to come back. I think you should add a little more emotion into her voice. You know, by saying, '"Samantha!" Clarity called out in desperation, her voice pleading me to come back'. Something like that.
*I think this would sound better as two sentences.
*how was he dressed? What color hair did he have? Having a little more description here will probably have more of an effect on the reader. If they can totally picture the man, it will instill fear in them.
*again, this will work better as two sentences
*write out your numbers. The rule I go by is if you can write it a number in one word, write it out.
*change this to 'I now had two choices: hide in the house or carry on running'
*the part where she gets into the house is confusing. So, she kicks in the door, right? But then there's a lock behind her when she gets in. You should have her kick the door in and run up the stairs to hide in a bedroom or something. Or maybe have the door be unlocked in the first place so she can get in.
Overall this is a good start. I'm definitely interested in reading more of this. Let me know when you add more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks, I'm going to edit this soon, these tips have helped a lot!
Thanks!
I loved it! It is a great hook with the perfect amount of detail. I can honestly say that it grabbed my attention right from the start! Good job!
Thanks!:)
Hi there Clarity! Wow, I was going to comment about Clarity being an unusual but pretty cool name for a character, and it's your username as well! I don't believe we've met. I'm Stella and I'll be your reviewer today!
to
I'd go for ground or a description of the material- tarmac or stone or whatever rather than "floor", floor implies inside.
Things always look better when you write numbers out rather than just using the digit (unless the number is like, 9,345,627 or something)
I'd mess with the punctuation here, those capitals are bugging me.
Okay so generally I'm against prologues. Why? Because a lot of the time I feel like they don't really add to the story! Now, I don't know where your story goes from here, but please take a moment and consider, is my prologue really necessary? Does it help? If not, it's a luxury for you, the author, that your readers won't appreciate so much.
But other than my general bias against prologues, this was pretty good! I have a couple of tips about suspense- your second paragraph where you describe her running, you're holding the pace quite well, but then it starts to fade. There's a neat little trick with sentence length that really helps add atmosphere. The shorter your sentences, the higher the tension. It's really pretty amazing. Try and keep your sentences short and sweet. For instance. "The rain was still pouring and I was soaked to the bone." Split that into two.
"I was cold, scared and homeless." The list really detracts from the atmosphere. Mess around with the structure. And then I think the next line could use a paragraph of its own.
Overall, it was pretty good, but the question is would I continue reading? It depends. There's not much story here past the first paragraph. But it's certainly action-packed and well-written, so good job on that
Hope I helped, and drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey, thanks for this. And the prologue is REALLY important for the rest ofthe story, thats why i have one... i'll give a hint, its in a different year from the rest of the story... like in the past... It needs to be known.
Thanks for the tips!:)
That's alright then! Just a lot of people I know get confused between Prologues and plain Chapter Ones... but if yours really is a prologue, and pertinent, then full steam ahead
nope, working on chapter one, it should be on here sometime next week
I like this...it's a compelling hook even if it is lacking in detail or direction (I can honestly say that I have no clue what direction this story will take). Sentence structure was a little rough in places, disruptIng the flow from sentence to sentence now and then, but that's really my only complaint. I'm curious to see where this story goes!
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
I only saw one mistake. 'I had too.' Yeah..
Also, just maybe 'I now had two choices. 1) Hide in the house, or 2) Carry on running.'
It could read less bumpy if it said something like- 'I faced the choice between hiding in a house or to keep on running.'
Now that I'm done with nitpicks, let's move on to content. Yay!
I like it. The piece is descriptive, yet deliciously simple. It tells you what you need to know, and it's quick to read, and it leaves the story for the first chapter. You have to leave the reader hanging a little so you know they'll stick around for the rest.
Good job!
thanks, i'll reread and edit, thanks for the help!:)