Prologue
“Samantha!” Clarity screamed. I could hear the sound of pure terror in her voice, the desperation, and the pleading for me to go back and help her. I had tears rolling down my cheeks. My breath coming in short gasps. I wanted to turn back, I needed to turn back. But I kept running. I had too. There was nothing I could do for her anymore. It was too late for my sister now. If I didn’t get away, I was going to be next.
They had found us, now there was no more hiding. Only running would keep me alive.
My feet were pounding against the hard, wet ground as I sprinted through the streets. My lungs felt as though they were on fire but I couldn’t stop yet. The rain was still pouring, I was soaked to the bone and no matter how hard I tried not to think, my mind still kept veering back to Samantha. I was cold, scared and homeless, nowhere to go and no one to help.
I rounded the corner of an alley and hid behind two large bins. I stayed as quiet as I could and listened to the footsteps that had been following me, slow down and eventually stop just in front of where I was hiding.
He was very tall. At least six feet, and had a very muscular build. His facial details were obscured by the poor lighting in the alley, but nothing could mistake the gear he wore. At first glance, he’d look just like any young man in training. But I knew better, we all knew better. He wore the uniform of a hunter, unmistakeable and completely terrifying.
I was surprised that he hadn’t caught up with me sooner. I watched from my place behind the bins as he stood in the centre of the alley, slowly turning around and scanning the area for any sign that I was there. I held my breath, praying he wouldn’t hear me.
After a few minutes my pursuer walked further down the alley to investigate a pile of rubble.
I took this as my chance to escape and slowly inched closer to the clear space leading to Main Street.
Within a matter of seconds I was on the run again. I had at least two minutes before he figured out I wasn’t in the alley. This was precious time so I turned up my speed and kept sprinting in hope of gaining a larger distance between us. Further up the road I could see a cluster of houses, they all looked occupied, except one. I now had the choice of running further, hoping to find somewhere else... or hide in the house, hoping I would not be discovered.
I ran around the back of the house and looked for an entrance to the home. The back door looked old and slightly rotted. I kicked it open. Sure enough the wood splintered. I now had access to shelter. As fast as possible I got inside and closed the door behind me, I ran through the house, and up the stairs. Four rooms, all empty with the exception of a few boxes.
I heard movement outside. Silently, I moved into the room furthest away. I hid behind a group of boxes, and just sat there, crying. Crying for my sister, and crying for my mother. I was the only one who survived, and if I lived through tonight… I'd be sure to live my life. I'll have a family. I'll be a regular woman, no more hunters and no more mystery.
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hey Mongoose here
Clarity, clarity, clarity...re written again, aha. Love your style though, got to admit its is the best way to improve.
I loved this, it was better than the original because it explained some of the story and the dialogue helped. I enjoyed this as thoroughly as i did the original. The action packed chase is still intact which im glad for. It makes you so intrigued as a reader. Who is the man, why was Samantha killed, what did he do? Why?
It's a brilliant start, I cant wait to move onto the next chapter, I love it!!
Your sincerely, Brolington ababa.
Abababa, thank you Brolington!
Hey Clarity!
~ I am, by no means, an expert when it comes to punctuation, so I won't tell you how to do it, but you should combine these two sentences. Short sentences are fine, but you should try to mix them in with longer sentences-- and you shouldn't start a new sentence with 'And'. I assume it's because 'and' is a linking word, and starting a sentence doesn't allow it to link anything, but I don't know- I was only given the rule, not an explanation.Sorry for the wait, but I'm finally here, as requested!
You're already familiar with my reviews, so I'll jump straight to business:
I like your opening. Usually stories, especially prologues, start out a bit slow, and are often in hindsight- you threw the readers straight into action, which I like. It makes it interesting from the very start.
~ This is an example of what I was talking about- you should try to mix long sentences and short sentences together, instead of having all these tiny little sentences mashed together.
Also, it might just be a variation of our cultures (and I don't mean that in a bad way, I have no idea where you live. I just know that the people in my area talk differently than *every* other area I've been to), but here we say 'At first glance' not 'On a first glance'- but I'm not sure which one is proper. 'On a' just sounds a bit to me.
~ I think you could nix the 'the' and you should capitalize Main Street. "to Main Street" or "towards Main Street", which if my personal preference.
~ I had to read this a few times before I got it. You might rephrase.
~~~
Alright, I quite liked this. You filled it with mystery and suspense- something I find lacking in most (including mine) prologues. You started it enticingly, and ended it mysteriously- making me want to know what happened to Samantha's family.
Great job!
~Shady
Hey hey hey Clar! Sorry for the huge delay. Well, I hope this review will make up for it.
I shall structure the review by stating what I liked the most, what I think needs improving the most, and what I loved the most. Of course, I will miss out a lot of paragraphs, but to my mind these ones stood out for various reasons. First, what I liked the most.
"He was very tall. At least six feet, and had a very muscular build. His facial details were obscured by the poor lighting in the alley, but nothing could mistake the gear he wore. On a first glance, he’d look just like any young man in training. But I knew better, we all knew better. He wore the uniform of a hunter, unmistakeable and completely terrifying."
I like your descriptions of characters, and this paragraph serves as a great example. You make this "man" seem very threatening, not just in physical appearance but mentally as well. He is always in darkness. Him wearing almost militant gear shows he is working for the government and is after the narrator. He looks very frightening. I also really liked how you structured his description. His most obvious feature, his height, was rightfully listed first to show how unique the character is. As I saw with another work you linked me, you seem to really be good with description. You show us his clothing through describing certain aspects.
Now, here is a bit I think needed the most improving.
"If I carried on running, I might not find shelter for a long time. But if I hid in the house, the hunter might decide to investigate... I was going to have to take a risk. A risk that could either save my life or get me killed."
For some reason, this part didn't click with me. Maybe it was the use of "investigate" as I don't feel it fitted in with the rest of your paragraph. Additionally, your last line is a little bit cliche. This is something another reviewer has pointed out. It is good to re-use ideas from other texts, but this one seems a bit too cliche. You could always make it more interesting by wording it differently. When the narrator said that they were "going to take a risk", we knew that already, so it came across as a bit of a waste. It's a shame this paragraph is in here. This is simply stating, not describing. Add something about the weather to perhaps emphasise the narrator's anxiety.
Now, the part I loved (aka my favourite part of your piece).
"They had found us, now there was no more hiding. Only running would keep me alive."
This paragraph ***instantly*** clicked with me, and got my attention. The fact you have put it as a paragraph on it's own adds emphasis on it's importance. This character is literally fearing for their lives. This paragraph initiates the change in pace. The previous paragraph had fast pace, but this paragraph sets the rest of the prologue into a really really fast paced piece. So I thank you for separating this paragraph.
I didn't seem to find any spelling/grammar/punctuation errors either. What a rarity. I really liked it. This is just a prologue, I know, but it feels really good as a first chapter. It has that feeling, with it's opening that gets you straight into the action. So be proud of what you have. I hope you manage to finish this novel because so far I like it. Good job.
Again, I am sorry for the lateness!
Thanks Adam!:)
Hi, Claree.
I think this has the perfect length for a prologue. The writing is catchy, simple and well written. If anything, it's thrilling, and I think that's how a prologue should be.
It's pretty much all I have to say.
Great job. Keep writing.
Thanks Gee!
I really truly like your writing style, some really great imagery is used and it gives a sense of excitement.
I did think some of the discriptions were boarder-lining cliche'. I.e "Soaked to the bone". I totally appreciate what you are attempting to say, and if you strongly feel that its how you want to say it then I only want to encourage you.
My advice and food for thought would be to really go all out on darkening the imagery in scenes like the ones you have written about.
Really push across the sense of terror and chaos of the moment. Make it rain harder, the streets darker, heart racing faster.
I really like your work and can easily relate to your style.
Keep it up!!
Thanks for the tips, the only thing is that this is the prolouge... So, I don't want to write too much and make it seem like an actual chapter... I'll try and incorporate some of your tip's, but I can't add too much detail... That's why it was rewritten in the first place... To have more detail..
I like where this story is going and I would love to read more, but here is where the honesty kicks in full. You are missing major and minor details. You should tell what the hunter's uniform looks like, more details should be told of her newfound shelter. Give more details about the main character, is her heart pounding? Are her legs aching? Is sweat sticking her hair to her forehead? Details like this are trully needed in a great work. Don't get me wrong, I loe what you have done here but there is so much room to improve, you know? Keep on writing haha
Okay, thanks for the honesty, and ya never want too much detail, nor too little, so its a fine line right?