I feel detached
from mind, body
and soul.
I am a shadow.
Darkness is
consuming,
I am myself
no longer.
I beg of you,
end this
unbearable,
torment.
I should have
listened to you,
my judgment
was clouded.
I pleaded to her,
but she did not
care to listen...
I am nothing.
I cannot see
purely anymore,
my vision is corrupt,
like my soul.
There is a void
inside of me.
I am dead,
I am nothing.
I deserve this,
I want this,
I need this...
please help.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
For anyone who is confused, the larger gap between stanzas represents a change in his mind set, as though his own thoughts have been disguarded and forgetten, then replaced with someone else's, but at the end, he has a final moment of clarity when he pleads for help. Also, I have made some changes to some stanzas, with vocabulary edits etc...
Wow Clarity! This poem is so sad
It made me nearly cry (I can't because I'm in a library full of people in my school right now). I can't say I've never felt like that. I'll bet this was written in the peak of sadness, right? Been there, it sucks. I bet I could tear a page out of my diary that would relate a lot to this poem. But, if it is a case of you putting your emotions into moving poetry you should add a little more language techniques to it. Maybe take the dots out of "I need this". Also I don't really feel like the first two stanzas are put together well, or if they have enough in them to even be considered stanzas at all. I think you should try adding the first two together, I think it's too choppy. But I love this all the same. Very universal. And I hope whoever this poem is about is feeling better. 
Good work Clarity. 
x
Have you ever read any of Ellen Hopkins books? If not I strongly suggest it for the simple fact that she is where I learned to tell stories in my poetry from. This is a very good poem but if not receiving a story vibe from it. Other than that I like it I just don't see where it fits the intended purpose.
I liked the first 'chapter' poem and I think I like this one even more. I would suggest that if you continue this, numbering them might be a good idea so that readers no where they left off. I like the mystery you've put in so far, and I hope you continue giving us little clues of what it's all about. The tone is very similar to the first one and it has a continuity about it. In the secound line 'no body' I think should be 'nobody'.
Good luck, and I look forward to reading more!
~alliyah~
I am assuming this is a continuation of the story. Its still good but to be honest I think the first one was a little better in content. The structure of this is fine and the lines make nice sense and by the fourth stanza it starts to turn into a story a bit more. However the first three stanzas are really generic. It doesn't really have a story in them and they also tend to quite overused phrases. I think you need to start the poem with more situation for a better impact. As I said, after the fourth stanza it gets really nice. I am just saying the beginning is a bit murky (and maybe the end a bit too) and makes me wonder whats going on and how this is continuing from the last poem.
As I said before your use of words is excellent and I have nothing technical to review you on this time.
Sorry if this seemed a little harsh but I really like your idea and I want to read more and I also want to see it as a success which is why I would enjoy to see you link the poems together a little more to consolidate the story a bit and make it your own rather than a generic emotion.