Broken Promise [1]

I really like this! It is extremely mysterious and has a good mood. I love the way the stanzas are built and the flow is mostly steady throughout the poem. The first two stanzas really drew me in, and it kept up the tension and held my curiousity through the whole poem.
I saw one small error. In the second line of the first stanza, it says, 'that i'd never go back' you should capitalize the 'i' . I also thought the line, 'trusted in me' seemed like it disrupted the flow of the story. Maybe if you took out the 'in' and made it 'trusted me' it might sound better.
This poem has an amazing theme and I can't wait until the next 'chapter'!

First of all, it's a very creative idea to tell a story using only poems! I like the rhythm of this one, I like the uniformity of line lengths and the dark tone you set up.

However, I think there are some places where the language could have been stronger and lent a more intense atmosphere. I think phrases like "the events that took place" are a little too long and clunky in a poem that's supposed to convey some intense anger and regret using relatively short lines. You might say something more emotional and specific, such as "the smell of the blood/still scars my lungs."

I feel like the strength of emotion would be improved if abstract phrases like "the events that took place" were replaced with concrete, sensory imagery. I think you do that well when you say that you wake up screaming in the night, for example.

There are other minor points I'd like to make where the language could have been stronger: rather than "filled with ghosts from the past" you might say "haunted by ghosts from the past." Instead of "alive and well" you might say "here with me today" for a sense of immediacy and personal connection.

Overall, I thought this was a great start to a potential novel, and it's a unique idea. I think my only broad suggestion is to fish around for more concrete, visual/sensory words to increase the emotional impact.

I really like the idea. Is this here one whole story with every four lines your separate poems or is this the first of a series you are going to write for this story?

A few things I would like to review on include:
Firstly, most of the four line stanzas are excellent little segments within themselves. They have a lovely balance of being not too cryptic and not to literal at the same time.
However a few of them are a lot more literal than the rest especially in the middleish area. You could maybe re-word a few lines to make them poetically fit better with the other ones for example
"I knew from the start
that you were in doubt,
looking at me
like I was disturbed."
Its fine, only that one stood out to me as being quite literal compared to the others.

Secondly in the third and fifth to last stanzas you repeated yourself by saying "you left to be with her" then you had a completely different stanza in the middle, then you say "But now you are hers" I think you should swap the lines around so that they come right after one another or change it so its not repeating in a random place.


Sorry for the shortness, I wrote alot more before but after i went back and re-read it before making my post I suddenly clicked and got it all at once. Luckily because otherwise i would have said a whole lot due to my own initial ignorance of understanding.

I really liked this. Good work. Do another I would like to read it.

Well this was definitely refreshing. And I love how you structured this by the way. Your choice of vocabulary and your wording show you have skill. I really hope you write more of these because this is magnificent!

I think this is a great idea, and I would love to see more.