12+ Violence

Wh|te Mag|c (Prologue & Chapter 1)

Prologue

The blue night was peaceful. The wind blew silently with no hesitation across the land, sweeping it like a lost broom that had been shut away years ago. The trees shimmered with a faint glow at the tips of their leaves in the crescent moonlight. You could easily hear the quick breathing of a hare that lay amongst the soft grass, it’s crystal blue eyes darting from bush to bush. Flowers that dared to rise to their full height poised themselves toward the dim, silver rays.

Then suddenly the silence broke with a rippling triumph expressed through screams of joy. The sky, once streaked with midnight blue, filled itself with an unsettling blood red. The burst of extravagant color cut through all darkness as over the horizon a massive fire exploded, lighting the world with a promising word of death.

The men and women, dressed in filthy clothes and mud coated faces, raised their swords with a mighty roar as she stepped from the shadows beyond.

The woman was godlike.

Cloaked in a scarlet shawl that had undecipherable symbols carefully embroidered in the silk, the fact was made obvious that she was a witch, and a powerful one at that. Her bleached dark grey hair fell delicately to her belt, which held loosely from her waist. Her face was captivating; amber eyes that could give a look so icy they could freeze a room with no hesitation. Her lips were extremely red and a tattoo reading Calla fell over them. For she was Calla, and she wanted the world to know.

As she entered the light of the flames, Calla looked out at her soldiers, who had sworn ultimate loyalty to her and her beliefs. They let out cheers of happiness as she emerged, raising their metal swords to the red sky.

“Men and women of the Witch Society!” She screamed, throwing her wrist upwards in an act of solute.

“Hail!” Cried the soldiers. “Hail!” Their echoes of happiness spread through the land as quickly and stealthily as the growing fire.

Calla’s face filled with a wicked smile as she lowered her arm. A hush fell over the excited crowd, who brought down their swords leisurely. All eyes flickered to the mighty witch, whose own stared out into the darkness, which was disappearing quickly.

“Tonight, my children; tonight is the night we take back what’s ours.” She said regally, taking a quick breath as enthusiastic chatter arose from the people in front of her. “We have worked year after year, keeping faith in The Forsaken, our ancestors, and it all comes down to this.”

Another roar of delight escaped all the lips of the soldiers.

“I had never imagined we would get to this place, but you all have proved me wrong. You have exceeded any expectations I could ever have had of any of you. Finally, your hard work shall be rewarded with treasures beyond your wildest dreams.”

A round of applause exploded from the sea of people. Calla shook her hair and drew Fetel, which glistened with the golden symbols she wore. With one last gesture for silence, she began to sing, slowly raising her sword.

“Terrin a’ forr, meren. Terrin a’ forr, meren.

Terrin a’ forr, meren. Tonight we ride.”

In soft and beautiful harmony, the song was sung back to her, a haunting one it was, but perfect for this occasion. As Fetel seemed to pierce the heavens, she called out with a withering scream;

“TONIGHT WE CONQUER RAVENERA!”

“HAIL CALLA!” Screeched the audience, waving their drinks and weapons. “DOWN WITH RAVENERA!”

Then any night that was ever there exploded into the flaming scarlet of the massive bonfire.

________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter One

A little girl ran hastily through the grand hall, her tangled blonde hair flying behind her in the wind of the cool room. The dark of night swallowed the castle in black, the only source of light being a dim lamp that flickered uneasily through the hall. The girl leapt from tile to tile, her nightgown fluttering just above her ankles and pulling at her wrists. She could not bear to sleep, as she had been awoken by a daunting nightmare that had refused her rest. Uneasily she tugged at a lock of blonde curly hair that hung precariously in front of her face and squinted to see the unknown darkness before her.

Then the darkness was no longer there.

The cannonball hit as quickly as breath was drawn. The impact almost shattered her eardrums, and she flew back and was thrown into the wall, which seemed to crumble as she slammed into it. All senses were lost from her body as her dead eyes shut for good.

From the smoke that arose from the destroyed wall the flaming red sky grew swiftly took over the dark, velvety cover. Stars were swallowed in red and trees that had been burnt into ashes fell one after another.

The queen awoke, gasping, her ears ringing. She threw off her covers and immediately ran to the window, pulling back a lacy curtain.

There, mirroring her, was Carine VII, The Cursed Sovereign. The window had been replaced by a cheval glass, preventing her from seeing anything beyond. “What in Ravenera-”

“Your highness! Open up!” A shout from the door interrupted her. The handles seemed to rattle as a fist pounded against the wood.

“Who are you?!” She screamed, clutching her nightgown.

“There’s no time to explain, miss! The castle is under attack!” More ferocious pounding.

So it wasn’t a dream.

“I’m coming!” Carine yelled back, rushing to the nearly struck through door. Yet as she pulled the handles, a wave of fear washed over her. The knobs weren’t opening.

“THE HANDLES AREN’T WORKING!” A mangled voice escaped her throat.

A burst of activity erupted outside as voices rose. One swallowed the others and made itself clear. “JUST HOLD ON, YOUR MAJESTY!”

Carine drew back from the door, all composure lost, only to find a small hand clamped over her mouth. A distorted screech came from underneath the palm, only to be silenced by a blow to the head. The queen fell limp.

Calla smirked.

“CARINE, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” One last call came from outside, only to be left unanswered as Calla disappeared out of the destroyed bedroom and into the sea of invaders, the unconscious monarch hidden beneath her monstrous cloak.

Finally the barred door was chopped open with a rusty axe. A small group of survivors searched the deserted area, but of course found nothing.

“She must have escaped through the other wall!” A maid called out.

The man leading the group, Hugo, shook his head. “We can do nothing for her now. The important aspect is keeping ourselves alive so someone can get help once it is all over.”

“What if she’s in trouble? We will surely be blamed for not looking for her! Possibly beheaded!” The royal butler exclaimed.

“By whom? If you have not noticed, ladies and gentlemen, we are the only ones still alive around here. We can most certainly lie about that little detail.” Hugo replied.

“Have you no shame?” Cried a young squire, who had barely escaped a cannonball that had landed near his sleeping quarters. “Miss Carine may be dying, maybe already dead, and you make no effort to look for her? Aren’t you supposed to be loyal to the queen? What kind of man are you?”

Hugo bent down, eyes like snakes about to strike. “You are to speak when spoken to, sir, and if she is already dead, what use is there looking for her?”

“You don’t know if she’s dead or not, you coward!” The fifteen year old boy spat in his face.

“That’s enough of that!” Insisted an old weaver, raising a bony hand to dismiss the argument. “You’re all cowards, bickering at a time like this. Let us get to shelter. This wretched ruin is no place for us.”

Both hugo and the squire looked as if they wanted to say more, but they reluctantly obeyed the woman, who pointed west. “The witches lurk everywhere except for Granlin, so to Granlin we shall go. This way.”

Her shrunken, ancient figure seemed to fade as she hobbled out of what used to be the queen’s room.

The squire, Hugo, the maid, and the butler, not sure what else to do, followed her in hopes that everything would be alright.

Yet the young squire’s certainty slowly withered away as he looked back only to see the red flames that had destroyed his whole life, not to mention an entire palace in only a matter of minutes.

A new chapter of his life had folded neatly over the last.

He wasn’t sure if he was going to like what lay before him.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Dulcet
Review
Dulcet wrote a review · Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:48 am

Hey there, Ghost, here's a belated welcome to YWS! I'm here to give a review, if you don't mind. I'm still trying to figure out my review style, so I apologise if this is all over the place.

That aside, you've got a nice beginning here. I can imagine people skipping the prologue, but chapter 1 redeems it by starting off with a literal bang, and boy, does it draw me in. But we'll talk about that later; for now, there are a few nitpicks I'd like to point out:

The wind blew silently with no hesitation across the land, sweeping it like a lost broom that had been shut away years ago.


This sentence is a bit clunky, so I'd play with it a bit more to make it flow a bit better. What trips me up is the "with no hesitation" and "that had been shut away years ago", which don't really add much to the imagery. "[...] that had been shut away years ago" actually suggests, to me, that the wind hasn't blown across this land in years, but I'm not sure if that was what you were going for.

You could easily hear the quick breathing of a hare that lay amongst the soft grass, it’s crystal blue eyes darting from bush to bush.


"it's" should be "its", without the apostrophe. "it's" = it is. "its" = possessive form of "it".

Then suddenly the silence broke with a rippling triumph expressed through screams of joy.


Again, clunky sentence, the main problem being: it takes so long to get to the point of it. There are a lot of words here that don't add much to the imagery or reader's understanding of the situation. I'd think that "Screams of triumph broke the silence," would work just as well as what you have above.

Her lips were extremely red [...]


I'd change that 'extremely' to something a bit more effective. Perhaps 'vibrant' or 'blood red', or something along those lines. 'extremely' seems a bit weak to me.

“Your highness! Open up!”


Feel free to ignore this if you don't plan on being accurate to the real world, but at least in the United Kingdom, the reigning queen/king is addressed as "Your Majesty", while princesses/princes are addressed as "Your Highness". It's not a big deal if you've chosen not to use those forms of address, though, so again, you can ignore me, haha.

All senses were lost from her body as her dead eyes shut for good.


With all of the above being said... HOT DANG, what an opening. I'd assumed the little girl was our protagonist. Boy, was I surprised to find her dead within two paragraphs, haha. I quite like it this way, since this promises some surprises in the future.

Sooo, as you can see, most of my nitpicks lie in the prologue; Chapter 1 on its own is pretty great, aside from a few dialogue punctuation errors. In addition to the articles DemonGoddess suggested, I'd like to present to you this handy guide as well: Dialogue Punctuation

But nitpicks aside, my main gripe with the prologue is that the beginning is quite cliché and doesn't really draw me in like the action in chapter 1 does. The first paragraph of the prologue is all winding description and beautiful imagery... just like a thousand other fantasy books, so by this point it's nothing new and readers might be tired of it.

Granted, your first paragraph is shorter and sweeter than most attempts I've seen of that start-off-with-great-imagery technique, but it's still just a tad too wordy for my taste. I think the sentences could stand to be a bit more succinct.

But while I'm talking about the first paragraph, I'd like to point out that I looooove the line, "[...]lighting the world with a promising word of death." It's a lovely, fantastic piece of imagery. Though, I'm not too sure "word" would be the right... well, word, to put in there. Maybe "signal"? Warning? Or you could even omit the word and go for "promise of death". The line is worth playing around with, because the idea behind it is terrific.

Onto my general thoughts, the thing that makes me interested in seeing more of this novel is your short description: "The Attack on Ravenera was probably the best thing to happen to it. At least, that's what Carine thinks." I do have to wonder why the queen herself thinks an attack on her country (/kingdom?) is a good thing, haha. There are also a few hints to an interesting backstory, like "Carine VII, The Cursed Sovereign"? I wonder how that title came to be.

Also, I'm loving the amount of depth you've put into the world. With Calla singing, “Terrin a’ forr, meren," it's clear that you've put a lot of thought into the worldbuilding. Is that a language you made up yourself? I commend you if you did make it from scratch!

Speaking of Calla, she's already shaping up to be a well-rounded antagonist, even though it's only been one chapter. Her true motivations aren't quite clear yet - like why is she taking over Ravenera? - but she has so much support and power, I'm interested in how the protagonist will take her down, if they indeed do defeat her. The other characters' personalities aren't quite solid yet, but it's obvious who we're meant to root for; the squire is loyal to the queen while Hugo's loyalty is quite questionable. Makes me wonder if Hugo's got ulterior motives.

And... well, actually, I think that's all from me. Even though I don't read a lot of fantasy, I actually quite like this beginning and I'll certainly read the second chapter if I come across it. I can't think of a good way to conclude this review, haha, :lol: so I'll just sign off here.

Again, apologies if this review is all over the place! And apologies if this wasn't helpful at all; if you feel the need to yell at me, please do so! I swear I'll learn from it! On the other hand, if you have any questions, I'll certainly answer them to the best of my ability.

With that all being said, I look forward to seeing more from you, and I hope you have a wonderful day~! C:

User avatar
zaminami
Review

Hello, GhostWriterSociety! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.

“Hail!” cried the soldiers. “Hail!”


“Tonight, my children; tonight is the night we take back what’s ours," she said regally, taking a quick breath as enthusiastic chatter arose from the people in front of her.


As Fetel seemed to pierce the heavens, she called out with a withering scream: “TONIGHT WE CONQUER RAVENERA!”


“Have you no shame?” cried a young squire, who had barely escaped a cannonball that had landed near his sleeping quarters.


“That’s enough of that!” insisted an old weaver, raising a bony hand to dismiss the argument.


You have a lot of trouble with dialogue. Check out this article and this article to help.

Both Hugo and the squire looked as if they wanted to say more


Suggestions:



Next time, separate the chapter and prologue. People might not tend to read the prologue, but some will. Like me.

Confusing things:



The wind blew silently with no hesitation across the land, sweeping it like a lost broom that had been shut away years ago.


But if the broom was shut away, how is it sweeping?

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



No other comments, reactions, or fangirling.

Overall:



Overall, I really loved. The idea is a bit cliché, but I really think that you'll be able to turn this into something not-so-cliché. Tag me when the chapters come out :D keep up the great work!

Give me your soul --

Kara

Image


This review courtesy of
Image

Will do! Thank you for all the help--I need to be reminded of such things. I'm completely brain-dead most of the time.
I totally agree with all of your critique. I didn't notice most of the errors! Curse you, Ghost, for not proof-reading like you should. I'm sorry that I didn't notice your review. It must have gotten lost in my notifications.
Thank you as well for the articles. I'll make sure to read them.
As for the broom--That was just me being stupid. I'll go back and edit with all of your notes in mind!
Thanks for the review!

Ghost

Will do! Thank you for all the help--I need to be reminded of such things. I'm completely brain-dead most of the time.
I totally agree with all of your critique. I didn't notice most of the errors! Curse you, Ghost, for not proof-reading like you should. I'm sorry that I didn't notice your review. It must have gotten lost in my notifications.
Thank you as well for the articles. I'll make sure to read them.
As for the broom--That was just me being stupid. I'll go back and edit with all of your notes in mind!
Thanks for the review!

Ghost

Will do! Thank you for all the help--I need to be reminded of such things. I'm completely brain-dead most of the time.
I totally agree with all of your critique. I didn't notice most of the errors! Curse you, Ghost, for not proof-reading like you should. I'm sorry that I didn't notice your review. It must have gotten lost in my notifications.
Thank you as well for the articles. I'll make sure to read them.
As for the broom--That was just me being stupid. I'll go back and edit with all of your notes in mind!
Thanks for the review!

Ghost

User avatar
ayyitsellie
Review

Hey, GhostWriterSociety! This is one of my first review/critique so if it's too harsh or anything, I apologize in advance! Overall, you really captured my attention with this story!

I really enjoyed reading about Calla! She is definitely someone I would be intimidated to speak to without an army at my back. The one thing I would say is to maybe show how her eyes can chill a room without a word, not just say it. I think that could add to the intimidation felt by her. I could feel the ferocity and determination and pride in her voice for what she and her fellows had achieved.

In the first chapter, there was a contradiction with the little girl running through the halls. You said her clothing was light and fluttering but pulling at her wrists. I'm getting two different images with that.

I would also try and add more to the Queen's fear. It seemed to happen so quickly she couldn't even have a reaction to it. Are we supposed to be attached to her and her situation? Should we be feeling the same as she does? Also, the survivors of what? The assault from Calla? Or something else?

And one more thing to consider is would all the servants REALLY love the Queen enough to risk their lives? Unless she was fair to everyone...

I really found myself wrapped up in this and I can't wait to read more! You're so good at descriptive scenes and giving an overall mood, but I think holding onto that mood would help the scenes even more!

Again, sorry if this is really rude or harsh. Feel free to tell me to go away, I wouldn't be offended

That's one of your first reviews? I have a hard time believing that.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and notes! And there's no way I'd want you to go away. You're honestly someone I (already) feel respect for because you came out and expressed your opinion. I'll make sure to use your suggestions and criticism as well as I can in the coming chapter.
Thanks for the review!

Ghost

I'm glad it was helpful! I know I've gotten some unhelpful reviews so I wanted to help out as best as I could because your writing is phenomenal :) I'm happy I was able to help you and will do so in the future!



I would always rather be happy than dignified.
— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre