Waves of You

Hiya, this is long overdue but heres your review!

The first sentence already makes me relate 100%. You see that person online, they plague your thoughts. It often, comes from them hurting your heart, and you just want to talk to them again but it all still hurts.

I feel the poem would be best in the paragraph form as it is, although I cannot believe i'm saying this but more punctuation. It reads like a jumbled up chain of thoughts but that adds charm to me but may not to the masses.

As I would not know or want to know the feeling of strong arms around me, I know the desire of wanting to protect. I often stare aimlessly reflecting on how I won't see her again, and if even I want to. My sorrows in fact are not drown in water but words. I find this extremely touching so far.

"I want to remember it all before I sleep forever" This is really powerful and could stand as a great description line or even the title. I often give them a spoiler from the poem, and name my poems from the words inside as you have. It's always nice to kiss in the rain to be soaked with that person. "I'd grin like a lunatic the time we'd talk on the phone" I am having some trouble at this point getting past that sentence. I feel something is lacking there.

The next to last paragraph is highly relate-able to me as well. I often fell alone because of her, I only wanna run away from my own thoughts. I love the use of void here. The whole vacation part seems out of place but the description is well put. "when you try to reason with me and talk sense into my stupid head" I am often the stupid one and she was full of reason. Annoying at first, but when you truly miss someone you miss the nit picky things as well.

I like the use of waves as thoughts, i'm not one for morbid things but this is an exception. The sadness is well put and the description of death.....pretty. The use of words for the reader to catch on of you being the tired girl finally forgetting is great. Her heart deserves a rest, I think it's best.

All in all, a great poem It's well worded, the feeling is through out the same, and it has charm. It gets jumbled up at points but I have problems with that as well, and being in paragraph form this is gonna happen. Sorry it took me so long to review, but I hope me taking the time to make a long one helps you.

Keep writing

JC

"The little green button shows you're online and I wonder what you're thinking. Do you ever still think of me? Or am I just another boat drifting by along your ocean of thoughts?"

Love this opening!!!

What's left of my mutilated heart begins sinking as it dawns on me that it's been too long since I've felt those protective, strong arms around me. I soon remember how far away you are and how I know I'll never see you again; (I don't think you need a semicolon, a period would work here)I feel like curling up in a bath tub full of water and letting "myself drown my self and my sorrows together." (Maybe say myself and my sorrows drown together?)

The water makes my hair look like dark seaweed and I'm captivated by the tiny bubbles swimming up to the surface; I want to remember it all before I sleep forever.(I like the strong connection with death you make here when you say sleep forever) I remember that lazy, rainy afternoon when you looked at me and told me you wanted to remember this moment. It was a moment full of serenity, full of secrets, and stolen kisses. I miss how crimson I could turn at the mention of your name, the trouble you'd get into at work because of me, the way I'd grin like a lunatic the time(s?) we'd talk on the phone.

Now, I couldn't be more alone. I'm sick of trying to fill the void that you leaving has made. I remember back in January when I was on vacation when you called. I lay down on the grainy sand under a diamond studded ocean of the dark sky and the fizzle of waves reaching the shore made me wish you were here with me like I do now(Love Love Love the imagery but maybe a little confusing) I miss how it sounds when you say my name, when you try to reason with me and talk sense into my stupid head.(Another great line)

The waves of you will stay with me for a life time,(Lifetime) how you inspire me through my melancholy baffles me. A faint smile sets over my lips under the water. I miss you so much it aches,( I can so relate) you'll always have my heart and me wrapped around your little finger. The waves of you fade more and more, the tiny bubbles have stopped moving and a tired little girl finally forgets because she's sleeping in her watery resting place.(Awesome close)

I really loved this, so much. Very heartfelt.I enjoy your work a lot and I can relate to all of it. I definitely admire you. Keep it up.


-Laci <3

"The little green button shows you're online and I wonder what you're thinking. Do you ever still think of me? Or am I just another boat drifting by along your ocean of thoughts?"

Love this opening!!!

What's left of my mutilated heart begins sinking as it dawns on me that it's been too long since I've felt those protective, strong arms around me. I soon remember how far away you are and how I know I'll never see you again; (I don't think you need a semicolon, a period would work here)I feel like curling up in a bath tub full of water and letting "myself drown my self and my sorrows together." (Maybe say myself and my sorrows drown together?)

The water makes my hair look like dark seaweed and I'm captivated by the tiny bubbles swimming up to the surface; I want to remember it all before I sleep forever.(I like the strong connection with death you make here when you say sleep forever) I remember that lazy, rainy afternoon when you looked at me and told me you wanted to remember this moment. It was a moment full of serenity, full of secrets, and stolen kisses. I miss how crimson I could turn at the mention of your name, the trouble you'd get into at work because of me, the way I'd grin like a lunatic the time(s?) we'd talk on the phone.

Now, I couldn't be more alone. I'm sick of trying to fill the void that you leaving has made. I remember back in January when I was on vacation when you called. I lay down on the grainy sand under a diamond studded ocean of the dark sky and the fizzle of waves reaching the shore made me wish you were here with me like I do now(Love Love Love the imagery but maybe a little confusing) I miss how it sounds when you say my name, when you try to reason with me and talk sense into my stupid head.(Another great line)

The waves of you will stay with me for a life time,(Lifetime) how you inspire me through my melancholy baffles me. A faint smile sets over my lips under the water. I miss you so much it aches,( I can so relate) you'll always have my heart and me wrapped around your little finger. The waves of you fade more and more, the tiny bubbles have stopped moving and a tired little girl finally forgets because she's sleeping in her watery resting place.(Awesome close)

I really loved this, so much. Very heartfelt.I enjoy your work a lot and I can relate to all of it. I definitely admire you. Keep it up.


-Laci <3

The first thing I'm going to say is that I love verse paragraph form.

"The little green button shows you're online and I wonder what you're thinking. Do you ever still think of me? Or am I just another boat drifting by along your ocean of thoughts?"

For some strange reason, I liked the simplicity and honesty of this introduction. It gave me an idea of what the poem was about, all the while, securing my interest in reading further.

"What's left of my mutilated heart begins sinking as it dawns on me that it's been too long since I've felt those protective, strong arms around me. I soon remember how far away you are and how I know I'll never see you again; I feel like curling up in a bath tub full of water and letting myself drown my self and my sorrows together."

Love the word MUTILATED!! And the part of the bath tub honestly made my skin prickle with anticipation and dread and sorrow.

"The water makes my hair look like dark seaweed and I'm captivated by the tiny bubbles swimming up to the surface; I want to remember it all before I sleep forever. I remember that lazy, rainy afternoon when you looked at me and told me you wanted to remember this moment. It was a moment full of serenity, full of secrets, and stolen kisses. I miss how crimson I could turn at the mention of your name, the trouble you'd get into at work because of me, the way I'd grin like a lunatic the time we'd talk on the phone."

I love how you honestly and simply describe your hair, the bubbles, and what is happening. You write with such poetic ease. I love it.

"Now, I couldn't be more alone. I'm sick of trying to fill the void that you leaving has made. I remember back in January when I was on vacation when you called. I lay down on the grainy sand under a diamond studded ocean of the dark sky and the fizzle of waves reaching the shore made me wish you were here with me like I do now. I miss how it sounds when you say my name, when you try to reason with me and talk sense into my stupid head."

The second sentence with "that you leaving has made" kind of threw off the rhythm and flow. And I like the "fizzle of waves" description.

"The waves of you will stay with me for a life time, how you inspire me through my melancholy baffles me. A faint smile sets over my lips under the water. I miss you so much it aches, you'll always have my heart and me wrapped around your little finger. The waves of you fade more and more, the tiny bubbles have stopped moving and a tired little girl finally forgets because she's sleeping in her watery resting place."

Baffling melancholy, huh? Gosh, I love this.

I have been critiquing poems ffor the last few days and I tend to be very harsh...well, not harsh, but I say what's good, and then I definitely elaborate on what needs to be improved. However, I have barely anything bad to say about this poem. It's almost troublesome that I can't find anything more to say.

You're a wonderful poet with extreme talent!