Trembling Power: Chapter Five

by Cithara, Evander

Published October 14, 2014

12+

In Trembling Power

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A/N: Yes I know it's super short. But we haven't written this story in like three months. We need help with it! Let us know what you think should happen next. Ideas are always open :D 

Lalia was watching the detectives investigate, searching through the house like hunting dogs. She was still unsure why her parents called them to their home, but she chose to ignore that. All she wanted was for them to leave. She peeked into the living room to find her parents and Nathan talking. Moving closer to the door, she attempted to eavesdrop.

"I did not do anything..." Nathan's voice was shakey. if she could see him, his hands would be just like hers.

"Now, we're not saying you... killed Mace... We're saying that you're old enough to move out. Besides, you're twenty, and have done nothing financially to help the family." Her father was often harsh with Nathan. Lendon Bandie treated everyone else in the family nicely. Lalia's family was blended, as it consisted of Nathan, who had another mother. Lalia had never seen her before as Mrs. Bandie refused to see Nathan's mother. Poor Nathan always got disregarded.

"But, but, but, I've helped with Lalia, and the taxes one year, and I cook every once in a while..." Nathan sounded as if was probably in tears.

Her mother stepped in on the conversation, "You haven't done anything money wise is what we're saying... Lalia has won many spelling bees, M-m-mace had a scholarship 'cause of soccer and his math. You've done nothing at all." it sounded like someone spit on the ground.

Lalia wanted to destroy her mother and father for their ignorance. Didn't they see how kind Nathan was to her? Wasn't that all that mattered? Sure, she was an intellgient child and Mace was an athlete and an academic all star...but Nathan was the gentle giant. He could make anyone happy. So why wasn't he making her parents happy? The poor girl didn't undertand this as she watched Nathan hang his head in defeat.

"I hope you'll be out of here before seven this evening. You can take the stuff in your room.We don't want that... junk anyway..." Her mother was probably rejoicing internally at the prospect of Nathan leaving. Lalia clenched her fists.

Her mother and father were moving onto their daily lives, so Lalia decided a trip to her bedroom was in order.

She was thinking about how sudden all of this was happening. Why were they deciding to kick Nathan out now? Mace just died and despite all the crap Nathan always got, he didn't deserve to leave now. Lalia needed him even more after the crime she had committed. He was all she had. She glanced at her alarm clock, which yielded the time: "4:30 PM." If Nathan had to leave at seven, she would be coming with him. The young girl had many reasons as to why she wanted to leave, but the main one was to be with her stepbrother. She loved him dearly and wanted to endure what he was enduring. If he was getting kicked out, so was she.

She opened her drawer, and took out a blue backpack. Mace had given her that three years ago...

Lalia sat in her room, playing with her stuffed animals. She had no intentions of caring about what was going on downstairs. Even though she could hear everything. For the first time in his life, Mace was in trouble. From what she heard, he was caught pretending to smoke with an actaul cigar. The worst part was, he had offered some to Lalia.

The seven year old had smiled, because he was getting what he deserved.

She could hear him protesting, saying it wasn't his fault Lalia tried to smoke the cigar. Lalia may have been only seven, but she was smart enough to know when to get Mace in trouble. Of course she knew smoking was wrong. She had always read the posters at school during "Say No to Smoking" days at Mace's middle school. She knew it was wrong. Putting it in her mouth would only get Mace in deeper trouble, which is why she chose to do it. She never liked how innocent Mace was. Which is why she dropped hints to her parents.

"Momma," she had said, her small legs hanging over the side of the bed, "I caught Mace doing something bad... he tried to get me to do it,too..."

Her mother had stopped putting the clothes in the drawer, assuming the worst. "What did Mace do, sweethart? Did... did he show you anything?"

Lalia had played the innocent girl card, and looked down at her feet. "Yeah, he showed me something, it was really bad..."

Her mother was uncomfortable, shifting her weight. She looked Lalia in the eyes, "What did he show you...? You can tell Momma."

"Well, he...he showed me a cigar. And he asked me to put it in my mouth. I didn't know what he meant, so I put it in my mouth. That was when he said he would go searching for a lighter." Lalia swung her legs back and forth to add onto the innocence. "I didn't mean to do anything bad, Momma. But...but I thought Mace was doing the right thing!" She burst into tears, alarming her already tense mother. Mrs. Bandie held the girl in her arms, and then called out Mace's name.

This was the second time Lalia had ratted out her blood-related brother. A brother she had always hated from the beginning.

In the end, Lalia got Mace's favourite blue backpack. She had asked for itafter Mace was punished. It had all these cool compartments that Lalia's pink bag didn't have. He had to give it to her, as it was to make up for the trouble he had caused.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
artemis15sc
Review
artemis15sc wrote a review Review · Oct 26, 2014

Hey there, so having not read the previous chapters, I was only a little confused, so that's good.

I like the use of the flash back, it weaved in well with the writing and gave us context for the scene.


I only have one little grammar nitpick:

Lalia was watching the detectives investigate, searching through the house like hunting dogs.
You never want was with an ing ending verb. Instead, make it watched. Leila watched the detectives investigate...


There are a few things I'm going to mention, and they're all kind of related to show don't tell.

[qupte]The young girl had many reasons as to why she wanted to leave, but the main one was to be with her stepbrother.[/quote]

Couple things here. Be careful of the illfated thought verbs. Thought verbs tell, instead of show. Furthermore, they pull the reader out of the story, because it brings you, the author, into, and reminds them that this is fiction. Some examples of thought verbs are well, thought, know, imagined, realized, understood, desired, etc... Sometimes you have to use them for Clarity's sake, but avoid using them if you can.

Also, be careful of really wordy sentences, especially when many of those words are week words, as in, not nouns, verbs, or adjectives. "As to why" could become, "why" Extra words bog down the sentence and make it less impactful than it could be, because it takes longer to get to the point.

One way you could fix both of these problems is to change it to something, "All of the reasons for her to leave, her step brother was the main one." You might want to do something different, that's just to give you a generally idea.

Last main comment I have was thesis statements. While they're great in essays, in fiction they again pull your readers of the of the story. They also act as spoilers in a story. They tell us what's going to happen in the next paragraph, which destroys so potential tension in your story. If you find you really a thesis statement, trying putting it at the end of the paragraph.

An example of a thesis statement is here.
She was thinking about how sudden all of this was happening.
You could honestly delete this and the paragraph would still make sense. or you could replace it with a n action sentence, such as, she closed the door, she collapsed on her bed, she went to go stand by the window, etc...

Really though, you have some great characterization going on here. I have a great sense for each of the characters without having read the first chapter, and they're distinct enough that I can remember them all. Your conflict is also progressing nicely. Her real brother died, and her step-brother(Isn't he actually her half-brother?) is being kicked out, and she wants to go with him. I like how didn't rush into this decision, but let her take her time making it. it seemed more realistic.

Happy writing!

-Art

User avatar
lostthought
Review
lostthought wrote a review Review · Oct 26, 2014

Hi writer. With forcasts pointing to a very close victory between the two teams. Enough of the weather, let's review!

Nitpicks

Spoiler
at all." it sounded

"it" needs to be capitalized.

was an intellgient child

Ahem, intelligent

with an actaul cigar

Do you mean an actual cigar?

sweethart

Oh, like the candy sweetheart?

for itafter Mace

Space between "it" and "after"


Lalia is a jerk. She reminds me of my sister. My sister used to choke herself just to get me in trouble. I was smart enough to protest we have different hand sizes, and the handprints on her neck was hers. Of course, they didn't believe me. The concept here is that little kids are accomplished liars when they want to be.

Lalia needed him even more after the crime she had committed.

Is she the one who murdered Mace? Did she kill him out of spite or out of hatred? Was she the one the detectives are looking for?

Poor Nathan. Why is he being kicked out now of all times? How is he going to support himself? Will he go to his mother's? Who knows, only you!

Keep writing,

~lost

User avatar
BellaRoma
Review
BellaRoma wrote a review Review · Oct 15, 2014

Hey Writer and Raven. Bella here to review because this is awesome and Writer has been following Imaginary Friends, so I must return the favour...
I saw this and I was like "LALIA!" Needless to say I am glad you posted again.
I still can't get over the fact that you have Lalia in your novel and I have Layla in mine.
I don't think it really matters that it's a little short. You got your message across fine.

After reading, I only have one nitpick, which I'll get out of the way now:

She had asked for itafter Mace was punished


Just an accidental typo. :-)

Lalia watched the detectives investigate, searching through the house like hunting dogs. She was still unsure why her parents had called them to their home, but she chose to ignore that...


This first section I liked because it‘s still leaving the reader pondering how much the parents know/suspect. Also, we still want to know if they find anything.The mystery building up is probably my favourite thing about this novel.
I`m wondering if there have been any strange occurences before this in the Bandie household. Just little things, not anything as substantial as Mace`s death. If there have, then do Mr and Mrs Bandie have a suspicion regarding their daughter`s mental state?
It kind of reminds me of a novel I heard about called We Need To Talk About Kevin (or sonething on those lines). The son in the novel, Kevin, goes crazy for want of a more eloquent phrase and ends up killing a lot of people in his school gym. I think it's the way Lalia is presented, as opposed to plot similarities.

Now, I think that's all. I look forward to the next chapter, should you be reviving this!



You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle