Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter Sixteen - The Chosen Few
At the stream that afternoon, once Veexer had finished speaking with me, he, with the still shocked Roaz in tow, had left, setting off to find those he deemed “trustworthy”. With him gone, composure fell, and I broke down completely, Celsko nuzzling my neck in a meek effort to comfort me.
When Veexer had returned the sun had passed its zenith, beginning its slow descent towards the western peaks. With him Veexer had brought the others, following him like a pack of wolves.
Six.
Six dragons sat in the clearing around the entrance to Celsko’s cave, all of them silently looking at Celsko, Veexer, and I. Veexer, ever the voice of reason, was addressing them quietly, discussing various plans of escape in a hushed tone. The evening air had a crispness to it, perhaps the final breath of spring as summer tore the life from it.
They were all of them males, all but one, a green-speckled female who sat nearest to me. Though her tail had leaf-like frills adorning its tip, being that of a forest breed, her features and frills were like that of an aquatic. Upon first arrival, she had looked to Celsko and asked, in a sense of vapid unawareness, her name.
Celsko had opened her eyes, but said nothing, instead allowing her eyes to go out of focus, their slit-pupil centers growing wide and staring off into space.
I had told the green half-breed her name, spoken the words in a kind tone even. Only, words were not of such kind nature in my mind. Dear Sephive, no. Couldn’t the fucking cunt see that my precious friend was not with us? Disturbing a wounded creature from its sleep is cruel, so fucking cruel.
In my ears, in my head, throughout my being, Kiven had whispered to me. Kiven, neither beast nor dragon, but a god, had regaled me with fantasies. Fantasies of tearing the green-dragoness’ hide with tooth and claw. Oh, what climatic pleasure that would bring. Kiven, such words have you, to hold sway over Nimbus the Hated, the one of nothing.
Here, I let my gaze travel from the green female, across the others, few of which I recognized, until it landed upon Veexer. The drake sat atop a flat slab of granite, slightly above the rest of us. In the evening light his scales seemed alight, glowing as if he were a great coal. (But were his scales to be of unparalleled worth, or of petty jewels that held lackluster splendor?)
“The thing we must do is not simply find a way to escape, but a place to escape to.” he said in a hushed tone. “If we go too far to the south, I fear we will venture into human territory. Sephive knows what lies beyond the great peak in the north.”
A soft rumbling rose up in the cave as the dragons gave a murmur of approval.
“Then we go west. I’ve heard stories of a great valley there, even of other dragons.” a brown halfbreed spoke up. Though I knew not his name, I was quite aware of his presence in the colony, and of the rumors that he and his female twin, who I had spoken to once or twice, shared pleasures of the flesh. I grimaced at the thought; they who come from the same bloodline were not to mate, it was a disgrace to Sephive himself.
“And, Doirav, how do you know these dragons be not savage beasts?” Veexer purred, head cocking inquisitively.
The brown drake looked away, then murmured, “If they are dragons, they’ll help us, like in they did in the days of Sephive.”
Veexer gave a curt chuckle. “Yes, and tell me, what else did they do in the days of Sephive? As I recall those were the days where fertility banquets and orgys were held. Where fathers would mate with daughters to preserve bloodlines, and males would be driven from their parent’s cave sometimes before they could even fly. Indeed those were the days of great pride, Doirav.” he sneered.
Doirav gave an angered snort. He was an older drake, and as society would have it, ought to have been respected by the young Veexer. Yet Veexer held firm, sly smile beneth wit-filled eyes, spike tipped tail swaying to-and-fro behind. Petty jewels indeed.
“They were also the days when dragons possesed fire.” Doirav growled, eyes flicking to Veexer. “Were they not?”
Veexer lowered his head. “Indeed they were... but those days are gone.” He paused, scratching at the stone floor with black talons. “They used their fire to wage war with one another over trifle matters such as land-- as if they were gods.” He shook his head. “They were ignorant, if you ask me.”
“Bu-but Sephive wasn’t like that!” Mavet, a younger forest drake chirped, his yellow, pupiless eyes glowing. “Perhaps they’ll be like him…?”
The others looked at Mavet. He was nary more than a whelp, being of seventeen winters in age-- not one to interrupt with stupid questions.
“Perhaps they will be like Sephive.” Veexer muttered, looking away. He then turned back to face them, a smile spreading across his scaly lips. “Or, perhaps, their leader will kill you and take your horns as a gift for his dear mate, who will use them to pleasure herself when he is off hunting. Just think, Mavet, it would be an honor for you to be inside a female of such high stature.” jeered he, eliciting draconic laughter from all, save Celsko and myself.
They were all so fucking ignorant, so fucking ignorant to my friend’s suffering. The green-speckled female giggled, wearing a stupid, hypocritical grin upon her face. The fucking cunt, the stupid fucking cunt was laughing, she was! Laughing in the presence of Celsko, my dear Celsko, whose dried blood was caked against my scales. I hated her, I hated the green-speckled female with all my being. She was the true enemy! To kill her would be the ultimate triumph. To lunge, grabbing her by the head and jaw, and tear her fucking mouth open. I would bite down upon the top of her head as I did so, crushing and tearing, tasting her delicious blood and feeling my teeth rip out her eyes, drenching the cave in blood and offal. She would be screaming in pain, screaming and writhing, as if in orgasm. A bloody, bloody mess indeed!
Veexer raised a wing, and the malign laughter subsided. “And perhaps there will be no dragons to the west.” he said in a low voice, shaking his head. “Perhaps we are the only ones left-- the chosen few. And if that be so, I say that we live not as prisoners beneath a silver drake and his guards, but as free dragons.”
Nods were made, trills were voiced, and tails thumped against the ground in subtle applause.
Suddenly, the green scaled dragoness sat up on her haunches. “You said that there was a secret you had to help us escape.” she chimed in. “Care to enlighten us on what that may be?”
Veexer gave an audible gulp, tail flicking.
“A secret? Indeed. My secret? No.” He gave me a questioning glance, then said in a commanding voice, “Nimbus, tell them…”
An ill feeling came across me.
“Nimbus?” an amber-colored forest drake growled loudly, interrupting as if he cared not for the conversation at claw. “You’re going to trust him? I came here to escape, Veexer, not to sit and listen to your friends delusions!”
The forest was silent for but an instant, rather an eternity.
Rage reached its peak.
I flared my wings out, giving a loud, rage-filled growl. At this, Veexer turned to me, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head, then raised a paw in quiet resolute.
“Here, here, no need for fighting.” he said calmly. “Blood runs red and wings catch air-- in times like this we don’t need quarreling.”
Ignoring his pleas, I got to my feet, head low to the ground. “Y-you think you’re so fucking superior?” I shrieked at the drake. “I’ll kill you, you leaf-tailed bastard! I’ll kill you and rape your corpse!”
“Nimbus!” Veexer snapped, standing and selflessly stepping between the drake and I. “Nimbus, keep quiet, lest the Trilset draw near!”
Once more I was deaf to him, readying myself to lunge. The feeling was a tease, it was. A tease before the climax, the one thing that I had been waiting my entire life for-- to take a life. To rob the very existence from a fellow dragon? No, no, they never were dragons. What is it that separates them from the rats and swine that roll in the dirt? That they can speak? That they are social? No. The only thing that separates them from the rats is that rats know what they are: vermin. These beings that surrounded me were merely ignorant vermin. Bothersome, they were. Bothersome and tormenting-- the whole lot of them! They knew not of my suffering!
(Did they?)
Perhaps. Perhaps it was all one great gig. A damnable trick on this miserable existence. Perhaps it is all just a scheme against me, a plot to fulfill the desires of who? The Provider? Our dear-fucking-Sephive? The ancients?
Nimbus?
Nimbus, he who is condemned to mundane torture by a volley of hypocrites and bullies. Is this the only wage of life? To live with such monsters?
The tease was over, now came time for the climax.
“Stop!” The word was shrill, jagged-- cutting through the world in which I lived. I twisted my head to find its owner, the hated one who has disturbed my from the ultimate fantasy.
I gasped.
On wobbly legs stood Celsko, having awoken from her bleak state to address the monsters. Her wings were tucked in, hiding her wound, and her eyes, like green beacons in the low light, seemed dead, yet filled with life.
These green eyes met mine, piercing through me, like an icicle through snow.
“Nimbus, be calm.” she whispered. “You’re trembling”
I looked down at my forepaws. She was right; my body shook.
Belly scutes nearly scraping the ground beneath me, I crept to her, circling around my friend to stand beside her, all eyes upon us. All thought was gone.
“Look at yourselves.” she rasped, eyes narrowing with rage. “Bickering like whelps. You have asked all of Nimbus, and he has asked nothing of you… and yet you bully my friend like he is worthless. Need I remind you all that Nimbus and I are the only ones who know how to escape the colony? Yo-you want to truly see what happens without us?” She turned and lifted her wing, exposing her flank. Even in the dim light, I could see the horribly swollen and bruised flesh beneath her lichen scales. It lay, painted across her side, like the petals of some horribly macabre flower that was her great gash, a chasm of torn flesh and dried blood.
Around us, the seven gawked.
“He cut me...and he forced himself upon me.” she whispered. “Don’t you see? Don’t you see that this is what they will do to all of you if you do not escape? We were all s-so ignorant.” She shook her head, tears beginning to form. “They will tear mates apart and they will kill half-breeds, simply because an ancient god commands them to. Where did we go blind and daft? This is not what Sephive would’ve wanted, none of this is. Sephive wanted freedom! He cared not for what color ones scales were, or what region they hailed from!” She was crying now, but her voice remained strangely the same.
Suddenly, she gave a pained yelp, straining to keep herself standing. I realized how unstable she looked, an ill expression upon her face, and was quick to lean close, supporting my frail friend.
Her body felt cold.
Celsko, my dear friend Celsko, was cold. Cold was an aspect of her I thought not to exist. Every time I got close to my precious Celsko, she had always seemed ever so warm. A warmth that was not unlike that that my mother had held when she had lay, curled protectively around my brother and I in the nest. But the warmth had died, died just as my mother had. Now, as the coldness pervaded the husk of what once was my loving friend, I felt a wash of emotions crash over my being. There was hatred, hated of the utmost stature. Hatred for those who had done this to the innocence that was Celsko. Indeed, in this cruel, cruel world there exists no such thing as innocence, as it is robbed from those who possess it by they who rule with such tyranny. There was sadness. A deep, mournful sadness in seeing the light so violently and maliciously stolen from her.
Overall, there was regret.
The river swelled, and I, unable to fight it any longer, was washed away in its current.
A silence held sway over the cave, and the green-scaled dragoness was the one who broke it, shattering it into a million little pieces, like the glass that Celsko and I had played with a mere eon ago.
“I stand with them.” she said to the others, gesturing towards us with her wing.
Veexer too gave a chirp of approval, and Mavet, a simple nod. Doirav even went so far as to give petty words of encouragement.
I blinked, taken aback and at a loss for words as to how I should address the ones who, moments ago, had stopped me from doing what I most desired. How could I, dear friends? How could I address you, you fucking scum? Make a grand speech about the importance of purity, like his greatness, The Provider? Oh Sephive, how he has a way with words. One in the same, one in the same...
“I...I know of one who could help us.” I began. “The-there is a human living in the deep forests across the river. He… can help us.”
There was surprise, yes, there was surprise. One could practically feel it in the still night air. Yet the silence remained.
So, in sudden, unknown confidence, I continued to speak. I told them everything: from the moment Celsko brought forth the glass bottle up until we departed from Louis Bekker’s encampment. They listened enthralled, as if they actually were friends. They listened and were subdued up until Mavet asked what we did once we returned to the valley. Ever the quick thinker, Celsko told them that we talked for a time before parting ways for the night. (Can’t be discredited with the bloody truth, can we?)
My dear Celsko then erupted in a sudden fit of coughs. Her coughs were pained and loud, shaking her lithe frame to its core. With both great care and speed, I slid my head beneath the base of her neck and gently guided her to the ground, where she quickly buried her face in my chest scales, sobbing between violent wretches. She was sobbing, yet attempting to speak, attempting to be unwavered. “Hurts to breath” was all I could make out. Hurts to breath, hurts to bring life into your lungs, therein, does it hurt to live?
Where she had coughed, tiny droplets of blood coated my scales, as if I was scrimshawed with rubies.
“Here,” the green-scaled dragoness said, stepping forward and, much to my anger, sitting back on her haunches, placing a single paw on Celsko’s wing arm. “If you lay on your back the coughing will go away.”
“How do you know?” I snarled at her.
“Last year, my…” She paused abruptly, biting her lip. “My friend fell and hurt her ribs. When she lay on her back during fits of coughing, it would go away, as would the pain.”
She brought her head down and gave Celsko a light nuzzle.
“Would you like that, Celsko? T’would help, yes, yes, it would.” She gave a comforting smile, touching her snout to Celsko’s head once more. It was but a feminine gesture of affection, something that I witnessed quite often. Yet seeing this green-scaled stranger touch my friend in such a way made me flinch.
It should’ve been me touching her like that, helping her, caring for her. And yet there I stood, an inept husk once more, like I had upon the day Eve’s eggs had been robbed, the day this final solution had been born from the fire.
Celsko gave a yelp of pain as she slowly turned on to her side, then to her back, folding her delicate wings in to better protect them as she did so.
“Be glad you’re not a male.” the dragoness remarked, stepping away from Celsko. “From what I hear, the spikes on their backs make it uncomfortable when laying like that.”
“Not particularly, as a matter of fact.” Mavet interjected.
She gave a slight chuckle. “Perhaps not for the ones with… undersized spikes, no.” Her eyes flicked up to mine, taunting me with her insulting words.
Veexer suddenly stepped in between us. “We need not for any further argument. The sun is low and curfew near. Nimbus, if you would, this human, is he to be trusted?”
I hesitated a response, thinking. “I believe so. He says he is here with two others, though I did not see them… I-I don’t think they know about us, unless he told them.” I said lowly, eyes still on Celsko.
“Excuse me,” Mavet suddenly churred. “Nimbus, how are these humans to help us? They don’t know anything about us, what good will they do?”
I looked into the younger dragon’s amber eyes, studying the drake. He was not unlike myself; a mateless, scrawny outcast who, as I had often witnessed, was a target for jeers and insults from older drakes. (“Did you stroke yourself at the river, leaftail? Should I tell my mate not to go for a swim, lest I want a clutch of green bastards?”) He had no one to care for, what good would he fucking do?
“They…” A segmented sigh escaped me, my insides churning. “They-- he knows how to heal cuts and such. As I told you, Veexer,” I said, gesturing towards him. “I watched him do so before my very eyes. Also, the-they have these...these things that he calls…” I broke off mid sentence, racking my brain in a desperate struggle to remember. “Guns! He called them ‘guns’! These guns, they’re like dragon’s fire in the days of old. Cel-Celsko saw too! Tell them Celsko, tell them about those things he showed us!”
Celsko raised her head, looking rather awkwardly up at me whilst on her back. A droplet of blood trickled like a crimson tear from her mouth and along her jawline. It rolled down to her long ear, where it held itself in perfect, undisturbed peace for but a second before falling to the stone below as she gave a weak nod.
“See?” I said, looking back at the others for acknowledgement. “If you do not believe me, I’ll take you to them tomorrow. You’ll see, you’ll all see, I tell you!”
“The plan is to leave tomorrow, with help of these humans, I intend to do so.” said Veexer matter-of-factly.
“No.” a sharp retort came.
It was a low, unfamiliar voice that spoke the word, coming out of the blackness that lurked in the shadow of a large boulder. From this dark there came stepped the two other drakes in Veexer’s trusted circle. Twins they were, both of an orange hue and of mixed breed, nearly identical. Just seeing them, standing so close to one another that their wings touched, gave me a rather uncomfortable feeling about the two. It was as if they possessed an aura about them, much like the one Celsko held. Only, unlike Celsko’s, which was warm and comforting, theirs was an utterly hostile environment, akin to that of a mountaintop held in the icy talons of winter.
“No, you mustn’t.” the drake who stood on the right growled. His eyes, entirely black, seemed to hold a coldness that comparable to only that of The Provider’s. “Mustn’t leave tomorrow…” he repeated, trailing off.
Around, the various dragons exchanged glances.
“Why not, Trodzki?” Veexer churred, voice having changed from his normal, wit-filled tone to quite a calm, soothing voice, like that of a father and his whelps.
“Her.” Though Trodzki spoke the word, it was his brother whose tail pointed towards Celsko. “She’s injured, needs time to rest before we travel.”
The drake who had jeered me stood, taking a step towards the two. “Perhaps the humans will heal her in a day, young Trodzki. Perhaps we will leave tomorrow.”
“Give her time to heal. I say we ought to leave upon the fourth day, not the day after today.” Trodzki shook his head once more. “We know not what the world beyond holds.”
There were a few nods of approval, when finally Veexer said, “Very well, we’ll… make adjustments.”
Trodzki turned, looking up through the trees to the darkening skies above. Upon seeing his brother move away, the other drake gave a quiet yelp and lept to be by his side once more. As he did so, a shaft of the fading light caught him, and in it I saw great scars that crossed his face.
They were from a dragon’s claws.
“None of us here do. None of us have ever been beyond the ridge.” Trodzki continued, his brother giving him a rather affectionate nuzzle. “We would be utterly lost outside the valley. The Provider, he goes hunting outside the valley all the time, Perje and I see him fly over quite often, usually with his advisors.”
Veexer snorted. “Heh, probably taking them out there to fuck the poor bastards.” He remarked in a growl. “For such an all mighty leader, you’d think he’d have mate to raise some godforsaken air to his bloodline.”
For the first time since I had been in the cave, my mind flashed to little Alkali. I remembered her speaking of Cortez the Wicked, of how she had never seen the world outside. Thoughts of her made me feel ill and my blood boil. Living your entire life within a cave, serving no other purpose than to raise your tail for your tyrant of a mate. It was sickening to me.
Ignoring Veexer, Trodzki continued. “What we need is a guide, a drake who has been outside the valley before. We cannot go into this blinded by our own needs and desires for freedom.” He shook his head slowly. “In the days of old, when Cortez the Wicked came across the great seas, it is said that Sephive and Avie escaped to the great mountains, where they rallied the Army of Wings, where they awakened the ancient ones. My mother used to tell me though…” He closed his eyes, sighing. “She told me that there was another drake though, an old forest drake named Xires. Xires knew the forests, as he had lived within them his entire life. She told me that Xires was the one who led them to the Army of Wings. If we are to be the chosen few, the ones that escape like Sephive did in the days of old, we must find one who can guide us, our own Xires.”
“You lie.” the green-scaled dragoness suddenly voiced sharply. “Mother never spoke of such things.”
“Perhaps not to you, Ne’vut, but she told the story many a time to Perje and I.” Trodzki replied calmly, eyes closing.
At this Ne’vut’s tail twitched, so much so that Doirav had to take a step back to avoid getting struck.
I looked from Ne’vut to the two dragons and back again. The only similarities that they seemed to share was them both being half breeds. To say that they were siblings would appear to be ludicrous in the eyes of he who has not seen it in the flesh.
“Again, what we need is a drake who has been outside the valley.”
As he said this I tensed up. The number of drakes that had been outside the valley were fewer than the drops of dew upon a flower in high summer. There was The Provider and his advisors, along some of the elder drakes who had lived before the reign of the Valley King, the leader who had ruled before The Provider. The elders were loyal, untrustworthy-- they would be of no aid to us.
And there was but one other. One who had been beyond the valley walls, one who could be trusted. It was for this other that I tensed up at, that my stomach twisted for.
For the good of… escape? I thought to myself. Speaking was a matter of life and death, not only for myself, but for Celsko, for the dragons that stood around me.
“I… know one who could help us.” I said meekly, lowering my head.
Trodzki, in one swift motion, turned and strode towards me, brother fast in pursuit. Though he was much smaller than myself, having to look up into my eyes, I felt as threatened as I had when eye to eye with The Provider. “And could this one be acquired by you, grey one?” he questioned, so near his snout was almost touching mine.
I gulped, then gave a slight nod.
“Excellent.” He growled, the word sounding oddly drawn out. A grin revealed a row of serrated teeth.
Just then, I felt something touch my underbelly, making me jump. I twisted around, just in time to see his brother, Perje, running a claw softly along my belly scutes.
“Perje!” Trodzki snapped, stomping on the tip of the drake’s tail. “Perje, stop it!”
Instantly Perje retreated, whining and making low, feral sounding yelps. As he did so I saw, regrettably, that the creature appeared to be quite sexually aroused, making no motion to better cover his indecency.
“Look, Nimbus, I think you’ve made a friend.” Mavet remarked in a cheery voice, pointing at Perje with his tail. “Perhaps you could, you know, ‘help him out’”
The small drake grunted as Doirav’s tail whipped against the back of his head with a loud thwack!
“Lay off, runt.” the big dragon growled at Mavet, who shrunk back.
Darkness was falling, and through the trees, from the direction of the meeting grounds, there then came the combined roar of three dragons. It sounded once; curfew.
All stood, bidding each other goodnight as they did so. Mavet, Doirav, and the large drake all took to the skies, their wings turning the small clearing outside Celsko’s cave into a windy storm of pine needles and fallen leaves. Veexer gave me merely a nod before disappearing into the foliage. I looked for the twins, but they too had vanished.
For a moment, I thought I was finally alone.
“I’m sorry if my brothers were… a bit odd.” Ne’vut’s voice sounded strange in the sudden silence, making me flinch. She stood, facing the clearing, but looking over her shoulder at me.
“Yeah, I suppose.” I murmured. “Why are they like that?”
She gave me a queer look, then shook her head. “Perhaps one day I will tell you, but such discussions are not for this night.” The dragoness yawned, turning to the clearing. “Sleep well, Nimbus.”
Stretching her wings, she took two steps before leaping and climbing skyward. I watched the dragoness leave, then turned and nudged Celsko’s wingtip. My friend remained still, breathing slowly in a deep sleep.
“I’ll make it right Celsko, I promise I will.” I breathed the words, the vows, as I settled down next to her, bringing my tail around and pushing it beneath her head to act as a type of cushion.
Through the trees the stars were beginning to show their bright white eyes. I watched them as I felt sleep embrace me in its silken arms, finally letting my eyes slip closed.
~Post Chapter Notes~ Now with 100% less color!
Holy. F*cking. Cliche. I don't know if it's just me, but this chapter seems to be one of the most cliche things I have ever written. Bleh. Other than that, we have wooden dialogue, terrible pacing, and plot-holes galore. At least we got some new characters, cliche and bland as they may be.
I'm sorry if this chapter took like, a month to write, but I had finals for school (which I bombed). Expect to see a human chapter next. Yay.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Cruite! Been a while since I've reviewed some of your work so I am eager to get back into the swing of things this review day! Let's jam!
I have always liked how you write your imagery. It is always so very vivid and clearly there has been a lot of thought put into it. The more I read on the more I see this is a great strength in your writing. Imagery is a great way to get both a point across and describe what something looks like. However, use too much and your story can become bogged down with just fancy words. While fancy words are nice using them too much can just send people to the dictionary. Just a quick warning despite you doing a great job.
I really like Celsko as a character and really wish there was more to her. I wanna read about her and Nimbus relationship. Celsko is actually - to me - a great female character. We can see how broken she has become and can feel a deep amount of sorrow after what she has been through. However, at the same time, I don't get a 'delicate flower' vibe from her. Which is shows how well you've fleshed her out.
Another great chapter my friend, keep up the good work!
You're back! Thank you for the review, I'm glad you actually think Celsko is 'fleshed out'. I think she's kinda cliche, but that's just me. Anyway, I'm really glad you're enjoying the story. Thanks again for the review.
Hello, rhia here to review! I'm going to start off by saying, I haven't been following this story, so I'm going to only focus on sentence correction, grammar, and any things that feel off to read, as opposed to content. So let's get started!
The middle clause here could be written a bit better. I would say "She could barely speak due to the force of her sobbing", or something along those lines. It doesn't really make sense now.
This bit would flow a bit nicer if you had a comma after the quotation.
I'm not sure that bolded "in" was meant to be there. I get that you're using more archaic diction type, but there's another "in" right afterso I felt like it was a typo. If I'm mistaken, I apologize.
You just accidentally spelled the second "hatred" as "hated"
"borned isn't a word, it's either "born" or "borne"
This would be better as "I'll" make it right.
Otherwise, I think that you could work on transitioning from quotations a bit more smoothly, but it's otherwise good.
Hi there! Baesch here, reviewing for Rugido Sol. Go!
First off, I found this extremely hard to read to the end. I think that you have a very interesting story, not necessarily as yet untold but definitely something I would love to read as a concept itself. However, the way you write it, it really loses momentum and I, in a symmetrical arc, lose interest. I KNOW YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS. You wrote so at the end of your text >:D
I advise you to stick to this idea, though. Don't just write another chapter. Actually rewrite this, paying attention to the following points:
So generally, try and neaten things up! Don't repeat yourself, tie ideas together, try and develop a story-arc in which everything has a place and a function. Good luck, and keep writing! Hope this isn't too harsh :*
If you have any questions, answer or PM me!
Yes, I know it's quite bad. I'm not in any way pleased with this chapter. It's much worse than previous chapters. The thing was, when typing this chapter, I had only the time to type a paragraph or two at once. It took me a very long time, and that's probably the reason why the flow is off. This is a very rough draft, and, personally, I think it's utter garbage, just like the rest of this terrible book. Although, I do think many of my other chapters have been written in a better fashion. Have you read them? I'd love to hear your input on how terrible those ones are too.
With the obscenities: I find that people do get upset over those. Do I care? Not really. Keep in mind that a lot of them are the thoughts of the narrator, who, as bland, cliche, and boring as he is, does have his own thoughts where he does swear quite a bit. He's actually the one that swears the most throughout the novel, as I tried (and failed) to make him rather unstable. The others swear no more than any other adult human may. I guess it's just something that comes naturally with my writing. To pay homage to George R.R. Martin, I can describe a dragon getting his throat torn out in a good amount of detail, but it's only when I include sexual themes and swearing that people get upset. My writing sucks, what do I care if people don't want me swearing? I'm never going to get anything published or even recognized beyond the few websites that I post to. So, in short, I just swear because it's something I've been doing my entire life and I want my characters to seem... natural.
AW COME ON.
Okay first off, I like your idea! Please stop being so dejected.
Secondly, we all have down times. I don't know how old you are, but no matter how shit you think your writing is, you're wrong. How do I know this? Well, it's obvious that instead of being objective about how you write and what you need to change, you're projecting your perceived inability on your whole being. Just keep writing, and you'll see that you're actually capable of being quite wrong about yourself.
Also, I'd advise you to either dump this, since it doesn't seem to make you too happy, or edit it to prove to yourself that you can write well.
And I'm linking you to brainpickings because that's just the kind of lass I am. Ray has it all sorted out.
Also, GRRM rules the world, long live GRRM. Bring out another book, goddammit man.
okay I doubt you're a brainpickings kinda guy, but whatever, this is a pretty cool post. It doesn't have Ray Bradbury in it, but I'll just tell you what he said - writing should be fun, to hell with being perfectionist and dramatic, if it isn't fun, scrap it.
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/ ... reativity/
Dump a novel I've been working on for the last four months? Hell no. No matter how terrible my novel is, I'm going to finish it. Regarding my age, I'm fifteen. I've been writing for about six months, and I know that it takes years to get even remotely good. I don't think I'll ever get good, and I also really don't think there is any way to prove to myself that I can write well at all. Once I'm done writing this novel, I think I'm going to give up writing as a whole. The novel is just a shitty pass-time.
Writing as a whole doesn't make me very happy. I have such low expectations in my writings that I just don't really care how it comes out, but I'm too narcissistic to give up.
I'll check out the link you gave me, seems like it could be interesting.
I'm actually really glad you reviewed this, because up until this chapter I'd been getting almost entirely praise for my writing, which I don't like. Praise is worthless, it's merely something to make you feel good about yourself. Harsh reviews are the best, as they really put the writer in their place. I wish someone would just come out and say what they're all thinking: "My god, this is trash!" With Harsh reviews I feel like people are being more honest, and, truly, harsh reviews do help the writer improve far more than praise does. You can review my other chapters if you like, as I would love to hear your input on them.
Okay well, age - I'm nineteen and I think my writing's pretty good. Not excellent, not okay, just pretty good for my age. When I was fifteen, I had a similar opinion. Except that my writing was shit. I can't even remember what I wrote anymore. My brain has erased it out of self-protection.
Still, you and writing seems to me more like you're looking for a reason to hate yourself. Or feel like you hate yourself. I doubt you really do. After all, there's a kind of pride in sticking to something you know is pointless, so there you go, can't be that bad.
I don't know, your motivation seems a bit misdirected. Fine, stick to this, but in that case make it better. I doubt even your narcissism will get you very far if you just keep making goals that don't fulfil you.
As to reviewing the rest? Pshaw, I ain't gonna fuel your desire for harsh criticism.
Oh sideline: sappy reviews are really annoying. I try never to give them unless I genuinely have on hand something that blows me away.
Hey, I just googled and copied Ray Bradbury's advice to aspiring writers. Read (actually some of these apply to me, damn)
-Don%u2019t start out writing novels. They take too long. Begin your writing life instead by cranking out %u201Ca hell of a lot of short stories,%u201D as many as one per week. Take a year to do it; he claims that it simply isn%u2019t possible to write 52 bad short stories in a row. He waited until the age of 30 to write his first novel, Fahrenheit 451. %u201CWorth waiting for, huh?%u201D
-You may love %u2018em, but you can%u2019t be %u2018em. Bear that in mind when you inevitably attempt, consciously or unconsciously, to imitate your favorite writers, just as he imitated H.G. Wells, Jules Verne, Arthur Conan Doyle, and L. Frank Baum.
-Examine %u201Cquality%u201D short stories. He suggests Roald Dahl, Guy de Maupassant, and the lesser-known Nigel Kneale and John Collier. Anything in the New Yorker today doesn%u2019t make his cut, since he finds that their stories have %u201Cno metaphor.%u201D
-Stuff your head. To accumulate the intellectual building blocks of these metaphors, he suggests a course of bedtime reading: one short story, one poem (but Pope, Shakespeare, and Frost, not modern %u201Ccrap%u201D), and one essay. These essays should come from a diversity of fields, including archaeology, zoology, biology, philosophy, politics, and literature. %u201CAt the end of a thousand nights,%u201D so he sums it up, %u201CJesus God, you%u2019ll be full of stuff!%u201D
-Get rid of friends who don%u2019t believe in you. Do they make fun of your writerly ambitions? He suggests calling them up to %u201Cfire them%u201D without delay.
-Live in the library. Don%u2019t live in your %u201Cgoddamn computers.%u201D He may not have gone to college, but his insatiable reading habits allowed him to %u201Cgraduate from the library%u201D at age 28.
-Fall in love with movies. Preferably old ones.
-Write with joy. In his mind, %u201Cwriting is not a serious business.%u201D If a story starts to feel like work, scrap it and start one that doesn%u2019t. %u201CI want you to envy me my joy,%u201D he tells his audience.
-Don%u2019t plan on making money. He and his wife, who %u201Ctook a vow of poverty%u201D to marry him, hit 37 before they could afford a car (and he still never got around to picking up a license).
-List ten things you love, and ten things you hate. Then write about the former, and %u201Ckill%u201D the later %u2014 also by writing about them. Do the same with your fears.
-Just type any old thing that comes into your head. He recommends %u201Cword association%u201D to break down any creative blockages, since %u201Cyou don%u2019t know what%u2019s in you until you test it.%u201D
-Remember, with writing, what you%u2019re looking for is just one person to come up and tell you, %u201CI love you for what you do.%u201D Or, failing that, you%u2019re looking for someone to come up and tell you, %u201CYou%u2019re not nuts like people say.%u201D
I don't want harsh criticism, simply advice on how to better my novel. I've never taken any writing classes or anything like that, so advice is all I can really ask for. I wrote many short stories in the months prior to staring this, all of them utter trash. The novel was just something I came up with hiking in the woods one day. I originally planned it to be a short story, but it kinda morphed into a full-on novel. When I'm done, I'm going to go back through and practically re-write the entire thing, possibly more than once. I just want it to be... something enjoyable to read.
that's a good idea. I'm going off YWS now, but if some review pops up for one of your works, don't be surprised.
I find it funny that your comments are formulated quite concisely, but your texts scurry around a bit. As I said, don't set expectations, just write for the fun and you'll soon enough see whether it's something you want to do.
And just as a side note, I do like writing short-stories. Novels are fun when you're actually good at them. I think I'm going to take your advice and start writing more of them. Thank you.
Oh that's interesting! Because last night I got out my calculator and decided that if I can get a short story a week done, I should learn a lot
and you're welcome (;