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Poission

by ChrisCalaid


“It’s a little game and a thousand deaths.”

There was a boy who lived by himself underground. He crawled between death bodies every day to get out to the upper world. The soldiers never noticed him, and all around him people were busy begging and acting like a coward in front of rich ones. His name was nothing, and he only exists in a minute. He would beg and the people would give him pennies. He would steal, and even if they notice what was gone, he would be far away from them. People were busy especially these days, they found something was missing, they forget in a split second.

Well, some people that at least have common sense would ask him his name and let him sleep within their house. To those who weren’t busy fallowing the trend, or daydreaming of golden days, he would whisper them in a polite tone his name, “Will”. Will Cemetrae, that wasn’t his real name, at least he thought not. He didn’t remember much about his life before, only that he was alone in the darkness. There were few memories he could wonder about, but those were faded ones. Will’s life was a mystery and would always be a mystery to him.

Young Cemetrae was only age nine if you are curious about that. Know back to the most important thing you need to understand about this mystery of his life. The few things that he remembered about his past were these memories, or perhaps it’s only a slideshow he could never understand.

His eyes were heavy and cloudy, his body was feeling unending pain, and his mind was caught in a grief. A shadowy figure was crying behind a door way, looking at him. The shadowy figure rapped his finger around Will’s small round face. He whispered something in Will’s ear and kissed him lightly on his forehead. Then he covered Will with a black cloth or something like it. A tear slid down Will’s face.

Then, all was black.

Black out.

Soon enough, the background changes into another memory.

“Save him.” A woman whispered between her sobs and curses. She lifted her face then, stared at his joyful husband.

“Save him, please. My lord, please, I beg you merciful one.” She stood up as fast as a woman who just had a baby could. Her long hair slid down as she tried to get her legs to stop wobbling. The woman was only wearing a thin, white cloth that was more like a long shawl hanging at the edge of her elbow.

“Please my master, my husband, my lord. I am apologizing for my wrong of childbirth, I should have send to maid earlier. I..I” She stopped talking as soon as she noticed the unusually quiet maidens and the… The baby, the baby, was indescribable. The baby was looked fine except his left hand that didn’t have any skin, but a long, thick lines of a muscles.

“I beg you…” An old maiden with gray, long hair spoke the terrible truth no one was able to ask of.

“My Lord!?” The young woman was only able to speak and recover her nerves after her master have already pasted the baby to a servant waiting outside to hold the door.

“Please, please, I…” A painful truth shook her to the core.

“What should a slave, my wife, you need to know?” He giggled and said in a mocking voice. The evil man pulled the cloth that was wrapped around her, making her fully naked expect a furry blanket beside her.

In a sudden he was outside waving his hand as if praising the sky……

After that everything was white, not mentioning the dark lines shadowing everywhere he stared.

He could only hear the grass moving and the dews sliding down along with the smooth eggs on the leaves.

“Leave, leave, and be safe my love, master of the merciful fate will be with you.” The same voice as he heard from the old maiden echoed in his skull.

“O Save him, my Lord, O Lord of fate, O the merciful one. Please take pity upon this young infant.”

As he could hear the prayer, he also could hear faint rhythms each from different person with their typical voices.

Save him, save him, please. Save him, O Lord.

Be with him, like the fate is with us, O Lord.

Save him, save him, please. Save him, O Lord.

Save him, save him, please. Save him, O Lord.

Be with him, like the fate is with us, O Lord.

Save him, save him, please. Save him, O Lord.

Even after million times seeing those images, Will still didn’t understand 


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Fri Jun 12, 2020 10:47 pm
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey ChrisDixon! Here as requested.

This was certainly an interesting read! I like the idea of a character who’s unsure of who they are—and likely feels forgotten, lonely, and lost in the world. Based on the flashbacks (which Will doesn’t seem to understand), something seemed to have happened. I’m a bit unclear on what that “something” is, though. Was Will sent off by his father (or his mother’s husband) due to his imperfection at birth? It seems like that, but the actions the mother notices Will’s hand confused me a bit. What exactly is everyone doing? I think it’s good if Will is still confused about what’s happening in his memories, but I think a bit more crisp/clarified imagery for the reader’s sake could be very helpful! I don’t mind if some parts of the story are still up in the air (I love stories like that, personally), I would just love for the last couple of scenes to be a bit more refined.

The desperation of Will’s mother was conveyed very nicely, though. The repetition of her begging and begging and begging was a really nice touch—it also creates this really eerie atmosphere, which I totally love. Also, the fact that Will is only nine right now adds to the eeriness of the piece, in my opinion. Children characters in mystery stories can add a new dimension of sad/scary.

He crawled between death bodies every day to get out to the upper world.


This also confused me—is crawling out every day something Will does? And then he goes back down? I’m not sure I understand the purpose of him living between his underground world and the upper world (especially because he begs for shelter). That being said, I think this concept is suuuper interesting! A boy living (presumably alone) underground is a fascinating idea.

Another idea I really liked was the first line, “It’s a little game and a thousand deaths.” This makes me really curious of what this is about :0 Right now, I’m a bit uncertain of how this connects to the rest of the story! But I feel like this story has a lot of potential to be expanded upon. It feels a little incomplete in the sense that it doesn’t have a traditional beginning/middle/end, but maybe if there was something towards the end of the story that connected with the first line, that could be enough closure while keeping the story a bit ambiguous.

Overall, this is a really interesting concept! I would love for a little more clarity in some of the imagery (especially with the flashbacks), and maybe something that ties the ending together more. I hope this review helps, and I’ll see you tomorrow for your next short story!

Peace,
~EternalRain




ChrisCalaid says...


Thank you for the review. I really appreciate it. I'll try to add more clarity to the flashbacks and the imagery.

Again thank you for your kind thoughts about this story.
>ChrisDixon



EternalRain says...


You are welcome! Looking forward to reading the other story!



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Thu Jun 04, 2020 6:49 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Hi ChrisDixon!

I thought this was a very interesting story, though some parts of it seem unclear to me. I wonder how much of this was meant to remain a mystery, and what Will's fate might be? I just have a few specific things to point out, and then I'll move on to some overall thoughts. :)

There was a boy who lived by himself underground. He crawled between dead bodies every day to get out to the upper world... His name was nothing, and he only exists in a minute. He would beg and the people would give him pennies. He would steal, and even if they notice what was gone, he would be far away from them. People were busy especially these days, they found something was missing, they forget in a split second.

Wow, crawling between dead bodies is certainly a heck of a way to introduce a character! After reading the rest of the story, I get the sense that he was buried but crawled out alive--but does he do this every day? You do a good job of setting a creepy tone right off the bat. One thing to watch out for a little bit here is tense. It's mostly past tense, but then you mention that he "exists in a minute" and people "notice" and "forget in a split second" (this is present tense). Just remember to keep it consistent!

To those who weren’t busy following the trend, or daydreaming of golden days, he would whisper them in a polite tone his name, “Will”. Will Cemetrae, that wasn’t his real name, at least he thought not. He didn’t remember much about his life before, only that he was alone in the darkness. There were few memories he could wonder about, but those were faded ones. Will’s life was a mystery and would always be a mystery to him.

We get a sense of some of that mystery through the flashback, but I would really like to see some build-up. For example, what are the reactions of people who take him in? It would be really cool to have someone noticing that he's always dirty, or there's something ominous despite his politeness, some sense of death that lingers. Maybe a scene where someone asks him about his surname and realizes he lives or has lived in a cemetery, and is bothered by that. Description is always really good to up the suspense, especially before you reveal some of Will's origins, so I would suggest adding in some more creepy details since you have so much room to do so here. :)

Young Cemetrae was only age nine if you are curious about that. Know back to the most important thing you need to understand about this mystery of his life.

It seems a little strange to break out into 2nd person here, mentioning "if you are curious." The narrator thus far has seemed omniscient, knowing everything and able to describe everything, which makes sense for knowing Will's age when even he probably doesn't know. However, it doesn't seem necessary to reach out to the audience directly, and it throws the reader off a little, so you might want to consider rephrasing this bit.

Is Joy a feeling? He would always ask himself listening to the laughs and sobs that were wrapped between his thoughts and memories.

I'm not quite sure why this thought occurs in the middle of this flashback, when it seems like Will is only really present in the first part of the story. I might suggest either make Will's ties to this flashback stronger, with more thoughts included, or take it out. Also, the bold might be a little bit much--you can put it into quotes or un-italicize it to separate it out as a thought! ;)

The baby, the baby was a bone with dried blood and a line of muscle on his left-hand bone.

I can't quite tell what's happening here--is the baby injured??

All of a sudden, he was outside waving his hand as if praising the sky.

After that everything was white, not mentioning the dark lines shadowing everywhere he stared.

He could only hear the grass moving and the dews sliding down along with the smooth eggs on the leaves.

Hm, you say "all of a sudden," but it really is sudden. It's sort of a random burst of description in the midst of a scene about Will's birth (?). I can't quite tell if this is what happened next sequentially, in which case it doesn't quite seem to correlate, or else if it's just the next flashback for Will. If it's the latter, then I wonder if you could make the transition smoother and show that these thoughts are actually supposed to be disjointed.

Okay, so I think the part that makes the least sense to me is the flashback. There's a young woman, an old maid, and a master? Something seems to have happened and the baby will be taken away and possibly die? You don't have to make this section entirely clear--it does make sense to keep some mystery!--but it would help to clarify a little bit. What is happening to the baby that is so dire, and are there any hints as to why it could be happening?

Additionally, it would be helpful to have some more indicators that the baby is Will. I'm assuming that he is, but it's still a little confusing! Maybe a brief scene of the mother calling him Will before he's taken away, or something at the end, after the "save him"s to indicate a fresh grave? (because he was probably buried but survived based on my guesses--I'm still a little unsure, though, which is why it might help to drop some more hints!)

Overall, I think you do a good job of making this unsettling and setting a creepy tone. There really is quite a bit of suspense that never gets relieved! The repetition of the prayer/chant at the end especially helps to build this.

Best of luck in your writing and let me know if you have any questions! :)

-Q




ChrisCalaid says...


Thank you for your review. I'll try to make the story clearer. I have this habit of writing unclearly and based on what I watched.

Anyway, about the baby, I understand it might be a bit strange. I haven't decided much about it. The baby born in a weird form is from Dororo, realistic, horror anime. The baby might be trick or something like it. It might be left unsolved. But, as I said I haven't decided about it yet. I still am trying to figure things out. I'll try my best, and hopefully I can fill you in.

This is my first time writing a mystery, so I politely ask you to understand. It's hard to make the story mysterious and drop hints just the right bit. Writing mystery the first time, it's really...You don't know if you are writing correctly and you are not sure if you've dropped the right amount of hits. It's your writing, but you're so nervous about it.

I'm glad you like the creepiness of my story.

Million thank you for your review

ChrisDixon,
gracias>3



Que says...


No worries! I don't write mysteries super well myself, so it's totally understandable. ;) Good for you for trying something new, though! I'm sure you'll do fine at deciding how you want your story to go. :) I hope I didn't come across as too harsh.



ChrisCalaid says...


You weren't too harsh. Your review was really helpful.
Thank you for understanding



ChrisCalaid says...


You weren't too harsh. Your review was really helpful.
Thank you for understanding



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Thu Jun 04, 2020 11:45 am
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Vaibhav wrote a review...



Hey there!
There are two titles given to the story mentioned or is the second one just a statement. Nevertheless, the switch between the two memories is seemingly or rather abrupt and the length was quite significant.
"Know back to the most important thing you need to understand about this mystery of his life."
I guess it's a throwback to the most important thing.
Grammatical errors are a matter of view point and can be corrected by oneself as you read again and again. Further, the second memory seemed to be a scene from Macbeth as I recall or someplace else. I do not perfectly recall it but it gave me a feel in the middle of reading. It would become more beautiful if you would elaborate on some scenes in the end like
"After that everything was white, not mentioning the dark lines shadowing everywhere he stared.

He could only hear the grass moving and the dews sliding down along with the smooth eggs on the leaves"

Its quite remarkable anyhow, the way you have described a dark history. The present scenario could have been better at the beginning of the story.




ChrisCalaid says...


Thank you for reviewing. Your suggestions helped a lot.
>3




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— Groucho Marx