Young Writers Society

Hey ChrisDixon! Here as requested.

This was certainly an interesting read! I like the idea of a character who’s unsure of who they are—and likely feels forgotten, lonely, and lost in the world. Based on the flashbacks (which Will doesn’t seem to understand), something seemed to have happened. I’m a bit unclear on what that “something” is, though. Was Will sent off by his father (or his mother’s husband) due to his imperfection at birth? It seems like that, but the actions the mother notices Will’s hand confused me a bit. What exactly is everyone doing? I think it’s good if Will is still confused about what’s happening in his memories, but I think a bit more crisp/clarified imagery for the reader’s sake could be very helpful! I don’t mind if some parts of the story are still up in the air (I love stories like that, personally), I would just love for the last couple of scenes to be a bit more refined.

The desperation of Will’s mother was conveyed very nicely, though. The repetition of her begging and begging and begging was a really nice touch—it also creates this really eerie atmosphere, which I totally love. Also, the fact that Will is only nine right now adds to the eeriness of the piece, in my opinion. Children characters in mystery stories can add a new dimension of sad/scary.

He crawled between death bodies every day to get out to the upper world.

Hi ChrisDixon!

I thought this was a very interesting story, though some parts of it seem unclear to me. I wonder how much of this was meant to remain a mystery, and what Will's fate might be? I just have a few specific things to point out, and then I'll move on to some overall thoughts.

There was a boy who lived by himself underground. He crawled between dead bodies every day to get out to the upper world... His name was nothing, and he only exists in a minute. He would beg and the people would give him pennies. He would steal, and even if they notice what was gone, he would be far away from them. People were busy especially these days, they found something was missing, they forget in a split second.

To those who weren’t busy following the trend, or daydreaming of golden days, he would whisper them in a polite tone his name, “Will”. Will Cemetrae, that wasn’t his real name, at least he thought not. He didn’t remember much about his life before, only that he was alone in the darkness. There were few memories he could wonder about, but those were faded ones. Will’s life was a mystery and would always be a mystery to him.

Young Cemetrae was only age nine if you are curious about that. Know back to the most important thing you need to understand about this mystery of his life.

Is Joy a feeling? He would always ask himself listening to the laughs and sobs that were wrapped between his thoughts and memories.

The baby, the baby was a bone with dried blood and a line of muscle on his left-hand bone.

All of a sudden, he was outside waving his hand as if praising the sky.

After that everything was white, not mentioning the dark lines shadowing everywhere he stared.

He could only hear the grass moving and the dews sliding down along with the smooth eggs on the leaves.

Hey there!
There are two titles given to the story mentioned or is the second one just a statement. Nevertheless, the switch between the two memories is seemingly or rather abrupt and the length was quite significant.
"Know back to the most important thing you need to understand about this mystery of his life."
I guess it's a throwback to the most important thing.
Grammatical errors are a matter of view point and can be corrected by oneself as you read again and again. Further, the second memory seemed to be a scene from Macbeth as I recall or someplace else. I do not perfectly recall it but it gave me a feel in the middle of reading. It would become more beautiful if you would elaborate on some scenes in the end like
"After that everything was white, not mentioning the dark lines shadowing everywhere he stared.

He could only hear the grass moving and the dews sliding down along with the smooth eggs on the leaves"

Its quite remarkable anyhow, the way you have described a dark history. The present scenario could have been better at the beginning of the story.