Extend my hand,
Biting my lip,
I reach . . .
Who says it’s that bad?
Is it that horrible?
I’ve already gotten this far,
Farther then anyone could have imagined,
Shakily laughing,
Nervously laughing,
Anxiously laughing,
I can do it,
My life depends on it,
But then again,
Its highly likely that I will lose it,
Soon,
Shakily laughing,
Nervously laughing,
Anxiously laughing,
I reach out a hand,
Life drains from my body,
Heart silences,
I die,
But at least I died,
Fearless . . .
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Hi Vivacious! *waves* June here, and I'm going to review this cool poem of yours!
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Let's see, I really liked this! Firstly, because your first stanza made me want to read more, and at first glance I couldn't tell what it was about. Very poetically clever of you, dear!
Let's begin
Okay!
• Biting is present tense, and by having I reach you're implying that it is present as well! However! In the first line, it's just Extend my hand. That sounds like more of a command than a narration, so! I think that Extend should have an I before it to make I extend my hand, or add "ing" to the end of extend to match the second line's tense and make, Extending my hand.
(Either way, I love this stanza, dear)
-*-
• Take a peek at the punctuation on your stanzas, dear. You end most of them with a comma! Don't do that!
Instead, you really want to end your stanzas with a period. Sometimes it is acceptable to use a semicolon; but, a comma is only used when you're continuing a sentence.
*-*
*wipes tears*
Tell me that your "object of interest" did not attempt suicide!
• In the second line, I think it would sound a lot better if it was My heart silences, because in the first line, you're speaking possessively. I think that you should continue the same theme throughout this, dear.
-*-**-*-
Moving on, I liked this, Viv! Here's why!
- Your stanzas were short. They were not only short, but the lines within were short, making this easy to read.
- It was so simple, yet at the same time, it was so poetic. You used simple words-- didn't dance around with any big words
- Your repetition did not bother me! (Which, by the way, I'm often bothered by repetition. You did something right here, dear
- And most of all, you caught my interest at the beginning and sustained it throughout; you didn't stray from the pattern you chose early on, making this very enjoyable to read.
Two thumbs up, dear! Well done, and keep it up!
Good luck in that contest!
June
Okay... I got that she comitted suicide, but how... I liked your use of repetition though... The laughing. I'm not very giood at poetry though, and I thought that the whole short sentences thing worked with the character. Still - how does she do it? You might want to make that more clear!
Hi, Vivacious! I'm Music, and I'll be critiquing your poem today.
Okay, now for overall. I thought it was an okay poem. I got that she committed suicide, but I didn't know how. What method did she use? I assumed it was a knife, but the reader should know these things. I just didn't get enough emotion from the poem. Why is she killing herself? How does she feel about it?
I think with some editing and revising, this could be a great piece. You definitely have potential. I did like the rhyme scheme and the concept (not that I'm a supporter of suicide).
Pretty good job!
Love,
Music.