A woman in dark clothing stood up in front of her covenant. She held her head high, though her face kept falling at the thoughts of what she had to say. He couldn’t have disappeared, she thought. He simply couldn’t have.
The group of people in front of her all had the same clothing, coloured differently only in hue. The men, underneath their lapels, held a pin in the shape of their coven’s sigil. The women had the sigils embroidered on the inside of their sleeves.
“He’s disappeared,” were the first words she said. “I don’t know how, but he did.”
The entire crowd of three hundred men and women clued in immediately. The sound of subdued whispers rang in her ears. Some were angry, some were disbelieving, and some were just simply incredulous and skeptical.
The woman held her hands up, trying to keep them in their seats. Being the new High Witch of the covenant meant that she still could be challenged in a pinch. She needed to keep them down somehow. “But wait,” she said with the most authority she could manage. “I’m getting all the authorities to look for him.” She needed something of clout. An idea came to her head, even if she never thought of it before. “And not the police either.”
There was silence in the room, all the mages coming to the conclusion. “Yes, I sent the wolves.” If one link broke, the entire chain broke and clattered to the ground along with it. And many of the mages were mechanics during the day. They all should know that.
Her sharp ears caught the sound of a man walking up the steps behind her. He tapped her shoulder and still managed to stay tall. “Flyta, your grace?”
She stood still, trying to keep an emotionless face. Recognizing his voice, she stood up taller. Of course. Shaller, the advisor to the High Witch before her. “Shaller, don’t bother me now.”
Shaller stepped closer to her. “Well, you should send the covenant themselves. They know their own kind better than the wolves. And the wolves…” He trailed off. Flyta nodded, keeping still. If the real authorities found that the wolves were still alive, things could go very wrong.
“The wolves can still be called off,” she said uncertainly. “If you want to look for him yourselves, you can.”
Shaller smiled. “We’ll hold a vote. All in favour of looking for him, say aye.” His greasy hair shone in the artificial magical light.
Ayes rang through the entire underground room, making Flyta try to shake away the echoing sounds from her ears.
Flyta stood up tall. “If you want the wolves to take the danger for themselves, though, then you can say nay.”
“Nay,” a voice said. Heads turned to meet him, an old man who more than likely had the longest magical career than any of them. “The wolves know what they’re doing, but they could easily kill your criminal.”
Flyta realized he only said nay so his voice could be heard. A sneaky move, and gutsy along with it. She looked at the light above her and squinted. “Thank you for your votes,” she said. “I’ll call the wolves back. The coven leaders can all report what they want.” She turned and stepped down the stairs, Shaller following behind her.
Shaller grabbed her shoulder as soon as she was out of the crowd’s sight. He turned her around and glared at her. “You didn’t send the wolves out at all, did you?”
“No,” she said. “What else could I say?”
“Never make decisions without the crowd choosing. They get mad, the entire council gets ousted,” Shaller said, shaking his head. “You did so many things wrong during that speech.”
“Why do you get to judge?” Flyta shot back.
“Because I’ve managed to live through three High Witches. I know their mistakes, their strengths, their weaknesses.” He smirked, pulling his beaver-skin hat off of his head and smoothing down the creases in it. “I’m learning yours right now.”
Something about that made her feel weaker than she already did. She held her dress sleeves closer to her arms in silence. “And how would that happen?”
Shaller held his finger up to silence her as Nelwyn, the witch at the head of the Deer coven, stride down the stone stairs. Immediately to fill her place was the fair-haired figure of Alston, the head warlock of the Raven coven.
They disappeared after giving a confused glance to Flyta and Shaller.
“Alston’s got something to say,” Shaller said. “He’s overenthusiastic to say it, too. Problem. I’ve seen him stumble when he speaks. He won’t get his point across quickly, for sure. And he’s kind of… jealous of your position too. He’s probably going to say something against you.” Absently, he pointed his finger up the stairs. “Want to see?”
She nodded dubiously, thinking he was just trying to fool her. “No. He’s a fool and whatever he’s got to say is going to be the same. What’s your point?”
“I know things. If I can look at Alston and know about his next words, then I can certainly learn all about you.” Relaxing, he leaned his head on the back of the wall. “And you’ve only been the High Witch for a month. I’m at your side, not looking at you once a month. I bet by next month, I’ll know everything you’ve got to say, do, or think.”
“I’m not a betting woman,” she said but was stopped by Alston’s voice.
“Everyone! Everyone, listen! We all know that Reg- the criminal is of Raven. We get it. We’re looking for him the hardest. But we also found a pack of wolves that have recently gone rogue.”
Flyta cringed, realizing what he was going to say.
Shaller, on the other hand, simply grabbed the top of his hat and tipped it goodbye.
“Wait. Where are you going?” she asked.
“Why are you staying?” Shaller shot back. “We’ve got to hide. Nobody, repeat, nobody likes being lied to. Witches and warlocks especially.” He started walking down the halls at a hurried pace, twisting his fingers on the stone brick wall.
Flyta stopped. “We aren’t going to run.”
“Watch me.” He kept running until he turned a corner.
Alston continued. “So the thing is, we’ve already found him. But when one wolf hunts, all of them hunt. And they said they were hunting him because they wanted to…”
Flyta realized what he was saying. She didn’t even need to listen to Alston anymore. He was probably already telling everyone what a liar she was.
Maybe she was just being paranoid. Steps echoing through the hall, she started to follow Shaller. “Stop!” she called.
She stumbled on her dress, falling down onto the ground.
Above her head she heard a hiss. “Shut up, if you would.”
“Shaller, I’m sorry, but…”
“You just fell, I get it.” His head whipped up when he crouched over. His eyes were trained on the hall that went straight down. Flyta could hear shouts that echoed and blurred through the entire distance between her and the three hundred mages. “But if you don’t mind, we need silence to disappear.” Shaller turned behind him to see if any of the guards would start to look after them.
“Silence?” She tilted her head so her ears could keep listening to the echoing of all that went through the halls, no matter how blurry all the sounds were. “Not getting that here, you know.”
“Trust me, it’s silent where I am. Now shut up.” Shaller cracked his knuckles and looked behind him. His fingers twisted in odd patterns, making them look like talons in the dark room.
“Lupa dan ravan gowda!” he whispered fiercely. He looked behind him again. “Seein ars speirit. Seein ars speirit. Shoul, gowdae. Shoul!”
Flyta started by seeing her hand fade to a ghostly transparency. Her dress faded away to a near-white, if she could see it any better. She looked over to Shaller, who was standing in front of her, fading to a barely visible patch of air. The only way she could tell he was even there anymore was by the shadow cast over the wall by a nearby torch.
“Now, we run,” was the only thing he said before turning and sprinting down the hall. All Flyta could do to follow was look after his shadow. And that she did.
End of chapter
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On behalf of the Water Tribe (which are WAY better than the other newbies. We had Katara.) I bring to you...
a review.
(Cue the triumphant music!)
What does this mean? I can't figure it out, even in context it doesn't really make sense to me. Are you referring to her speech? Or the crowd? Or a literal chain?
This sentence is placed so, awkwardly, it comes right after that thing about the chains and it just makes me more clueless as to what the heck is happening in your story.
Why did this need to be said here? Are they going to help fix the chain? I really don't understand.
Um, why? You don't really explain why it was sneaky or gutsy. Why does he want his voice to be heard? To prove that he's there? This doesn't help him really, as if it's a political move, it's a sloppy one. The whole coven had Ayes, so saying nay would just make you look stupid.
Wait, so there's factions? This is going to be like Game of Thrones, except, you know, fantasy, isn't it?
You might want to change that 'stride' to 'strode' it makes more sense.
Which makes the last three sentences entirely pointless. I'm all for building tension, but make us understand if somethings on the line. It's not like this woman hasn't made herself look smart tonight or anything.
Okay, so it's time to get down to the nitty gritty.
Actually, let's not. Let's talk about one thing:
What's going on? I mean seriously. In Game of Thrones we understand the political infighting because the system has been explained to us. Here, we're just getting all this information thrown at us like we know what to do with it.
You don't explain how this system works, and so I don't know what's going on. Which makes it hard to invest. And the thing that makes it more hard to invest in this story is the fact that I have no idea what's going on that your character needs to lie anyway.
And then we get to another problem, your character. She is so stupid. By the time the chapters done you've shown that her speech had enough holes in it that you could just call it swiss cheese!
Now, there's a basic concept that I like to see characters as:
>Competence
>Proactivity
>Relateability
Those are the three key ingredients in an enchanting character, and your character has none.
But if there's one saving grace for this story, it's your prose. It's nothing special, but it's straightforward, easy to read, and even makes the story addictive to read. Your prose is fantastic for a person on this site. It's not Gaiman or anything, but it's pretty good. I had no problems reading through it at all and didn't want to stop at all really. So, I raise my monacle-wearing hat to you. Good job.
Thanks for reading my humble review. I hope you found it helpful.
Happy Review Day!
Let's start with this, shall we? To begin, well, I'm confused. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear covenant is a pact, so I'm not quite sure what to picture here. That may present some difficulty in creating an enticing hook.
For the matter of the covenant's appearance later on, I feel like it merits more description. What did they look like? Their expressions? Any habits some participants had that may give us clues as to their emotional state? It's all up to you.
Repetition of "authority," in different contexts. That may be confusing.
The metaphor of link and chain might have worked better had you described the mages as a chain before referring to the result of a broken link. But that's just an opinion.
I think you managed to bring out the characters of Shaller and Flyta quite well. It's intriguing enough to make you want to know their pasts, which is usually a good thing in prologues.
This piece wasn't very in-depth with setting, so I suggest you give a bit more upon that. Overall, this was a piece with nice flow and voice, with the characters being the undisputed highlight. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes, so bully for you. Cheers.
-Chaser
Hey silver here.
I didn't really see any grammar issues here. good job.
I like this already and I want to read more. Although it is a little lengthy for a prologue but I don't mind.
hope to red more in the future good luck
Hey silver here.
I didn't really see any grammar issues here. good job.
I like this already and I want to read more. Although it is a little lengthy for a prologue but I don't mind.
hope to red more in the future good luck.
Not a bad write at all though I do think that this is way too long to call a prologue. I think what you should do is cut this short and only include enough that will give the reader an idea of what's going on without revealing too much. Other than that, I didn't find anything wrong with grammar, spelling, and punctuation so that's great. Well done on this. I wish you the best of luck on the rest of this story as it unfolds. You have a very promising tale here, I'll tell you that! Have a very nice night! -IceWinifredd
*Reads first sentence* Oh... um... *Hides Stoneslide's prologue*
Anyways, yeah. Thanks for the review. I like writing long prologues for a reason. Maybe it's so I can get a little bit of my own worldbuilding down and solid so I can remember. But, yeah. Thanks for reviewing it!