z

Young Writers Society


16+

Dinosaur Invasion: Chapter 4

by Dreamer84


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Adam came up boldly next to me as I vacated the captain’s office. A concerned look crossed over his features as he saw my solemn face. Suddenly worried he spoke, “Hey, Jaxon, what’s the matter?”

I kept walking, my mind racing with the lack of information.

With more urgency he asked, “Dude are you all right? What did he say to you in there?”

Grabbing my coat from my desk, I shook my head, clearing my mind.

Turning I looked him straight in the eyes, “Grab your coat, we got a case and trust me its not going to be easy.”

Before I knew it we were both climbing into the black Sedan that we had practically lived in since becoming part of the NOPD. It had kept us warm through the winter’s chill with its black leather seats. It helped us carry countless criminals to meet their justice with its spacious back seat. And it has protected us countless times with its bulletproof glass and exterior.

Starting the car, we left the department on a hunt to find the start to our search.

“So, what exactly is our assignment?” Adam asked curiously.

I replied with a smirk, “We have little to no information, but what we do know is that it is a missing person’s case of a whole family.”

His eyes widened as he reached over and grabbed the case file from my side.

Before opening it he asked, “Who made the report?”

Stopping for the light, I turned and looked at him smiling, “Aiden Whales, personal assistant to multi-millionaire, Trevor Johnson.”

Adam’s head snapped up from the file, still unopened in his lap. I resumed driving unable to hide my smile from seeing his reaction.

After a minute he finally got the nerve to speak. Stammering he said, “T-the Trevor Johnson? Head man at Johnson Industrial Industries?” Unable to contain his surprise he added, “That Trevor Johnson?”

Calmly I replied, “Yup, and his family too.”

Adam practically jumped out of his seat, though his seatbelt contained some of the excitement, “dude do you know how big this is? Especially if we find them all alive and unharmed?”

I laughed at his boyish demeanor, Agreeing I replied, “That would get us some praise around the office.”

We laughed a little more before turning to the file to figure out where they all could have gone.

“So what do we know?” I asked recapping.

“Well it seems that we know that there are four victims: Trevor, his wife Alexis, and their two kids Stormy and Greyson.” Adam stopped, taking a breath before going on.

Before he could I interrupted. “Wait, Stormy? I’ve heard that name before. It sounds very familiar. What does it say?”

Looking at me curiously he continued, “Full name is Stormy River Johnson. It says that she is seventeen and a junior in high school. She takes karate and kick boxing. She goes to a public school just downtown.”

I looked over at him curiously, “Is that all the information we have on her?”

Looking down, still flipping through the thin stack of papers he answered, “Yup this is all they could pull up for the search.”

“What’s the name on that school? I want to check there when we get done with the assistant.” I asked.

Looking up from the forms he replied, “Wind Stone high.”

When he spoke the name all I could do was laugh.

“What’s so funny?” He asked suddenly concerned.

“Oh nothing. I just remembered I went to that same school.” I replied smiling.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
107 Reviews


Points: 333
Reviews: 107

Donate
Thu Apr 30, 2015 3:49 pm
ChiravianSkies wrote a review...



Hey! I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work!
So, I haven't done much reviewing in the past few days for some reason. (I just *might* be a bit rusty.)

I'm going to start out with this POV-skipping. Please, I understand you're trying to keep the story going on all sides and keep the pacing good, which I totally understand. (I do this exact thing.) But if you do this too much we aren't going to want to hear any part at all from either sides of the story.

Next, I'm going to pull your dialogue up. You use too much exposition in here. You're putting a detective in here, so you're definitely going for the "Mystery" vibe, am I right? If you are, then you need to tone down the exposition and just let things be mentioned subtly. You don't need to confirm that the father is the owner of a big company unless it has something to do with the plot.

I'm just going to edit content for now. SO many things are starting to become illogical on the detective's part. The detective knows that Mr. Johnson is the head of "Johnson Industrial Industries." (You should probably change that name. It's weird and redundant.)
If you've got a man who has to fill out paperwork and things about where they are going on vacation, what hotels they're going to, and other things, why focus your detective work on his daughter, whose name seems simply familiar?

That's all I've got to say. I don't necessarily like the detective chapters, if you couldn't tell. Sorry about that, I tried to keep fair.
Keep Writing!
Maddie out!




Dreamer84 says...


Thanks for the review I will take this into consideration



User avatar
216 Reviews


Points: 10184
Reviews: 216

Donate
Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:44 am
kevin25a wrote a review...



Well this seemed a little short, but I will try to do my review. :)

It's a ironic one of the investigators went to the same high school as one of the victims, if not all of them. I think they underestimate what finding them all, and alive would actually do. I know if you rescued a person that rich in real life they would probably take care of you for the rest of your life in greatfulness. They would be loaded if they succeed, although I don't see it happening for a while since it would mean the end of the story.

Wind stone that reminds me of the first few final fantasy games. Somehow I imagine that's actually a real town and school.

I know most detectives wouldn't go pale from only starting with a single lead. Most cases start that way, especially missing person cases. Starting with only one lead is normal for most cases a detective handles, regardless of the crime reported. Although I'm doing that thing again, it's a story and anything is possible.

Luckily for me I can skip straight to the next chapter :)




Dreamer84 says...


Thanks for the review I was going to get all technical with the school name, but instead I just made it up. I know detectives don't go pale over 1 lead, but it does make the search significantly harder. But thanks for the review glad you liked it. :)




There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke