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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi there!
First off, I want to point out that there is a lot of dialogue in this. Dialogue is good, but so is description. When I first started off, my novels and stories were full of dialogue and very little description. And after many people pointing that out to me, I realized that they were right. You want to make sure that there is a good balance of dialogue and description. Try it out in your next piece.
That being said, I want to praise you on your dialogue. It's quite realistic and it's written well. Some times you stumbled, but overall all of the dialogue is good. BlackNether pointed out a lot of your grammar already so I'm not going to go through and repeat what has already been said.
One little critique I have is that of your characters. You start out by introducing two characters and then develop them over the course of the prologue. Just as I feel like I'm getting to really know them, you throw in a bunch of other characters. And not just a few, you introduce nine of them. There isn't really a problem with introducing so many characters at once. My issue is that you give them all names. That then gives them a face and a personality, something that is hard to develop for so many people in one short prologue. I suggest just mentioning a couple of these kids and then saying something like they brought along some of their friends too. That way you get to introduce all of your characters without overwhelming the reader.
Overall this is a good start. You've definitely got me interested and I can't wait to see where this story goes. If you have any questions please PM me. I will be glad to help.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Okay, Black here for a Review!
Okay, I can see on sight, that you are not a terribly experienced writer (But I can also tell that you're not inexperienced either) . . . All right, you're one of those people with an amazing, super great idea, who simply lacks the skill to show it (Which is why I'm here - to help).
So your main problems are presentation, pace, and grammar.
Presentation being the way you show your story, pace being the speed at which things happen, and grammar being, um, grammar.
So I'll start with Grammar: You have two problems, incorrect grammar, and repeating words, here, I'll do as many of each as I can:
Okay, 'the same' isn't right. I'd use 'similar to this one,' instead. You seem to have a problem with not using commas. And I don't understand what you mean by 'language' in the little introduction quote.
This entire paragraph is very difficult to understand: Look, a reader should never have to take a second glance at your writing, you have to be careful with yourself otherwise they won't understand what you're trying to say. And I have a feeling this is an important piece! I would advise you to re-write this, I'm not sure what all you mean, and I can't really say anything. (Note: 'they've' isn't a word - you use They Have)
This is a prime example of a place were you don't have enough commas, let me re-write for you "Yes, they are, and yes, we'll need help." . . . It reads better, without commas your writing feels really run-on.
And here's a prime example of a place were you use words multiple times, namely 'black hair' and 'eyes', you only need to use them once.
Okay, so note: These are just a few quick things I decided to show you, there are more mistakes (Note: you can feel free to review something of mine if you want!)
Okay, your pace is too fast, you don't have enough information on your story world, or story, out before you jump into the important action, we need to know more about your world! Otherwise everything feels wrong and we don't understand what's going on! I mean, I don't even know if this is earth!
Your presentation is similar to your grammar, only it's how you show your world. Usually mistakes in it are hard to fix: So lets see, try to work on how much information you give your reader as the story progresses, try to make it easy to read (Try reading your work out loud - it helps).
Okay, so I'm on a tight schedule, and have to go!
But good work, there may have been problems with this, but it was still good!
Keep writing! (The writer advances through practice!)
~Black~