Standing outside the MoonShine Bar, taking a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves.
“I cant do this.”
“But they have to know the truth.”
“I know.”
“David deserves the truth.”
“It’s Lucas now. Lucas deserves the truth.”
“Mama called him David.”
“I know.”
“And she wants him and whoever he trust to know the truth.”
“I know.”
“So go in.”
“I cant.”
She sighs. “Go in.”
Taking one more deep breath, letting it out slowly, I move towards the double medium sized cherry oak doors.
“You can do this.”
“I have to do this.”
I push the door open and stand here, frozen in that one spot.
“Gosh, why are there so many people?”
“Everybody has to know the truth.”
I swallow past the frog in my throat.
“I know.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well this was certainly interesting! It makes the reader want to know more about what they need to tell everyone. It certainly does make for an exciting beginning. But there is a trap that you fell into, and it happens when an author tries to make things mysterious. You end up having too many questions left unanswered and the reader gets confused. I have no idea what's going on, if these are thoughts passing between two people or if they're actually talking. Who David and who Lucas are and who the people are that are talking. The only reason I know, or figure, they're twins is because of your description.
Your first sentence is good. It sets the mood for the piece, a little anxious but also, in a strange way, a little excited. You did a great job at that, and that helped me, the reader, imagine everything that was happening.
I noticed that you wrote this piece in first person which is a pretty good idea, but it also makes it hard to put in imagery. First person zooms in more on the thoughts of the main character whereas third is more general. Of course it's not as detailed as first person when it comes to thoughts, but it can include them. I feel that if you wrote this in first person that would help lessen the confusion and allow for you to add some more detail. Also if this were just a bit longer. Other than the confusion, easily fixed, great job! Keep up the good work ^_^
Sushi
Hi, Cheetah here to review your piece!
This is okay as it is, but it has a capacity to be even better. I liked the voices you used, and I'll be interested to find out what/who they were.
This was short, but oftentimes prologues are that way. It was a bit confusing, though. Is she talking to a person, or just to herself? If she's talking to someone else, it might help to have one person's voice italicized and the other person's voice in regular font. Also, the first sentence was a bit unclear. Maybe say something like, 'I stand outside the Moonshine bar, taking a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves.'
That's it! I can't wait to read more!