Taking a step inside, I glance around the room.
There were four groups of four people standing on the walls. All talking to one another or playing some game with their hands.
To my right, I see that all twenty-five tables are filled with six people per table. Some are engaged in conversation while the others are watching one of the two flat screen televisions. I look up at the screens. The Mini Me.
To my left, towards the bar and a hallway leading to a room and bathroom. The bar holds nineteen stools, every stool was taken except three. Everybody at the bar was engaged in conversation with the person beside them, even the bartender was talking to someone.
I walk over to the bar, taking the middle of the three stools. The bartender noticed me and came over.
“SomethingBlack?” He ask with a very deep majestic voice.
I look at him. He has black hair, that’ll never gray, neither will his black mustache. It’s so thick it touches his almost pointed nose. Looks like his mustache is growing from his nose instead of the other way around. Can’t even see his upper lip, and his lips are already thin enough.
Looking into his dark purple eyes.
“You know me so well Pete.” We laughed, he hands me the drink. Even though it felt like I was going to vomit any minute, I took a sip.
“Yep taste the same.”
Ironically the drink itself isn’t black, its more of Pete’s eye color dark purple. There’s still alcohol in it, but it does has a sweet taste to it. Even though you can, clearly, smell the alcohol.
“So where’s the big guy.” I ask Pete.
He holds up his left arm and flex.
“You mean this big guy or...”
He lifts up his other arm and flex.
“This big guy.” He always have to try to show off his muscles, but I give it to him. For a forty year old man he’s pretty ripped. I point at his flexed muscles.
“You know Lucas’s are bigger.”
He puts his arms down and we laugh. When we stop he points towards the hallway leading to the back room and a bathroom.
“In his office.”
As soon as Pete said ‘office,’ a scent hit me, I sniffed. It smells like raw meat mixed with....I sniff again. With....
I laugh to myself then tell Pete.
“Actually he’s right there.” I point towards the hallway. Pete looks over just as Lucas walks out. I don’t look towards him.
“Again with the cinnamon.” I yell as Lucas walks over.
“What?” He says innocently.
“How much?”
“Um...”
I turn around and look at him. “How much?” I ask raising an eyebrow.
He sighs. “A whole bottle.”
“Really?” I ask in a ‘not again’ kind of way.
He points at the bottle in my hand.
“What ya’ got there?” He ask in a ‘i’m not the only one who addicted to something’ kind of way.
I hold the bottle close to my chest protectively and point my index finger at him.
“Oh no, don’t turn this around on me. You know alcohol doesn’t affect us.” I say the last part while pointing around the room.
“Neither does cinnamon.”
I sigh then sit my bottle on the counter.
“But what I have to tell you might.”
“What might?” He says looking half scared.
Sighing again, I pick up my bottle, move to sit on top of the counter, finish off my drink, then sit it back down.
“I may need another one.”
“The truth.”
Everybody and thing in the bar went quite, even the television.
“I’m gonna need a chair aren’t I?” I nod.
Someone brought Lucas a chair, he sat down. I got a little shaky and wiped the sweat that I felt starting to form on my forehead.
“You can do this.”
“Okay....wait wait. I don’t think I can.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi! I really like this story. The way you used imagery was amazing. I could almost see the things you described in the story.There aren't too many problems in this story. All I really see that needs some fixing up is some of your grammar at the beginning. Some of the wording is a little off simply because of the spelling. But anyway other than that I think that this story should be really good from what I've read. Keep it up! Good luck!
Hello, Cheetah's here again to review your chapter!
This was really interesting. I'm curious to learn more about Lucas and how he knows your main character.
There weren't many mistakes in the way of context, so here's only the nit-picky things I spotted:
I don't think you meant to say 'standing on the walls'. I don't know what you were trying to say, but I'm pretty sure this is a typo.
I think you meant 'tastes'.
It sounds like you need a question mark, as this is the end of a sentence.
That's about it! I love the cliff hanger, I'll definitely read more.
While I do think your story is a good one and the storyline so far is pretty good, I do have some things to point out. One, this section doesn't seem very big for a first chapter. I know it doesn't really matter, but I personally prefer chapters that aren't to short. Second, your grammar is fairly good, but it gets a little funky at times. Third, I don't really have a good idea of the story. I think you need to write a little more, and add more of a storyline. But, overall, it's pretty good! Continue writing!