I had a thought running through my head after watching a LOTR movie, and it stuck. I wondered what
would run through a woman's head as she watched her lover, husband, brother, son, what have you
ride off into almost certain death? Do you wish him a speedy return or a swift demise? Anywho, yeah,
this has been in my head for a LONG time...
~ Eden
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Behind the eyes of mystery
what kind of secrets lie?
What story ere untold by men
was witnessed by these eyes?
What dread horrors have you seen?
What epic would you tell
when armed with naught but saving grace,
you forged the deepest hell?
Behind your gaze, beloved one,
a story shall be told
of heroes facing countless odds;
of valiant knights of old.
O Warrior, raise thy banner high!
The voices now proclaim;
they tell of once great legends past
and echo out your name.
They'll sing of men of bravery
who faced the giants tall,
who fought till breath was all but gone,
but somehow slew them all.
Shout loud, Oh Mighty Warrior
the battle now is won.
Enemies now are as the night
surrendering to the sun.
Now rest, oh eyes of mystery,
the battles are long past.
Come rest, my most beloved one
and close in sleep at last.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Nice poem!
*stars*
This may just be me, but I think I would like it better without the first three stanzas. The beginning of the fourth stanza ("O Warrior, raise thy banner high!") is just so joyous and uplifting that it would totally draw me in. So instead of hearing about the eyes of mystery and having a relatively slow beginning, by deleting those stanzas, you would make the beginning that much catchier and I think the relative meaning would improve. But that's for you to decide.
In any case, I liked this poem! I guess I'll have to check out more stuff by you.
Hey there,
Firstly, let the poem tell its own story. Don't spoonfeed us your message and meaning!If we as readers feel something is vague, we'll probably let you know.
The eyes of mystery in the first stanza is an unusual and interesting image that entices the reader in, but I think you don't need to repeat it word for word. You don't need to hit us over the head with your repetition; you can be more subtle. Take this example from one of my own poems, "Broken Light":
Stanza 1:
"The sun’s fingers break
the glassy vista that billows skywards
and lights her ghostly eyes,
as they follow mine
with the tenderness of lost years."
Compare with the last two stanzas:
"Now as the sun reaches further into the sky,
I reach my fingers into the still water;
its silver slivers cannot wipe her shadow
from my face. And still,
her tears break my reflection
and mingle with mine;
the light disappears from her shadowy eyes,
cold, unresolved."
If you just drop little clues here and there, the reader will be far more likely to stick with your poem instead of being overwhelmed by endless repetition. It's also best to just put it in at the beginning and end, again to give balance and a wholeness to the poem.
Despite being full of cliches, this was a fairly well-written poem. Try and look for more interesting rhymes instead of the usual "well" and "bell" bumpf. Experiment with half-rhymes, if you can. This piece has a lot of potential, you know.
Small nitpick: "valient" is spelt "valiant." If you're unsure how to spell something, look it up in a dictionary, or use spellchecker on MS Word.
Good work overall; well done!
Gahks
7/10