Hello! Here as requested
You have a really interesting concept here. I don't read a lot of supernatural/fantasy, but I believe a fairly common trope is someone dying and then they have someone back on earth that they secretly love and they have to do something in order to let this person know they love them and/or be with them again. It's too early to know if this fits into that, and even if it does don't automatically dismiss it as a bad thing. Sometimes it works really well to follow a fairly common trope (people must like that trope for a reason!). The only thing to be mindful of in that case is to make sure your story has some sort of new twist or new thing to make it different from the others. Again, it's too soon to know and I haven't read enough in this genre to know what all has been done and what hasn't. However, I think you have an interesting little twist here with the whole becoming the angel of death/fight to the death thing. I'm wondering if the MC's motivation will be different that the other contestants because if this girl dies, she'll be with him in the afterlife, right?
I'm also curious about some of the rules of this world. So the MC + two others get to pick an earthling of their choice to fight to the death. What about those earthlings? Do they not get a say in this? Do they realize what's happening to them or will they all of a sudden be filled with this desire to kill or be killed? Is this why the Hunger Games happened? :p
I agree with the previous reviewer that this feels a little rushed. Great idea, but rushed. I'm going to break down where I think you can expand a little more.
Malachi wracked his brain for an answer, but produced nothing.
As an opening line, this really confused me. I felt like I was missing a piece of dialogue before this because an answer to what?
"It's funny," he confessed finally. "I can't quite remember how I died."
But I looooove this piece of dialogue. Witty, snappy, gives great insight into the character and the situation here.
"Yes, yes," the angel muttered, sorting through his files. He looked up again suddenly. "Any identifying marks? You know, like-" He made a shooting motion through the side of his head, mimicking a gunshot sound.
You have great dialogue and characterization. Five seconds in I already have a good idea of each of these character's personalities
Malachi smirked. A date here would be a date to die for.
Great!!
Exhaling gently, he sat down in the lush grass surrounding the square. Somehow, he had died. Staring up at the fleecy clouds, he wondered how it was possible. Then again, it was probably for the best. Nobody was really asking him to keep living.
I think you can expand this thought. I want more on his thoughts and emotions about how he's died. He doesn't know how that's possible. And then the shift to how it's probably for the best because no one cared about him.
"Still," he muttered, lying back, "it is a bit of a setback." To have to wait this long to see her again wasn't exactly an exciting prospect.
To have to wait how long? That line kind of confused me. I'm not sure who she is (I do like some mystery about that sort of thing), I don't understand the waiting and the seeing her again. Is he looking forward to seeing her in heaven?
Sighing through his nostrils, he turned his head. On the other end of the plaza, he could see the ghosts casting their troubles to the wind as they made merry. On the surface, it would have seemed like heaven. But Malachi had learned to look a little closer, and dig a little deeper.
It wasn't easy to notice; that was the entire point. From his position on the grass, Malachi caught the fleeting glimpses of Heaven's imperfection. Occasionally, souls would be shut out of conversation, or segregated into small groups of friends. Their faces would be sad, but never angry, as if they'd given up on it before they'd opened their mouths.
Everyone pretended to like each other, but some people were just too abnormal. And even from this distance, he could see their excuses, their half-baked, dismissive apologies, slipping casually from their lips, accepted by all who heard them.
I would prefer more showing with this. Instead of him sitting there being a passive observer, I would like seeing him interacting with this new world and experiencing some of this stuff first hand. It's interesting that you've set this world up almost like a dystopia in that you would expect heaven to be this perfect, happy place, but it's really not anything different from what we're used to. I would like to see more of that.
He was, or at least looked like, a bad influence, and would therefore be ignored.This ended up working wonderfully in his favor.
The first sentence - how does he look like a bad influence? He's new, so why would everyone automatically assume that about him?
I slashed the second sentence because it feels like unnecessary foreshadowing to me.
"You've already said it, haven't you?"
You've already said what?
You see, you're not even an angel,"
What is he then? I thought he got a halo when he got there. Does halo not equal angel in this world?
Malachi rubbed his chin, turning the thoughts over in his head. Was it worth the risk...to see her again?
I'd like to see more of these thoughts and how he comes to make his decision.
"I name...Valerie Ladon."
I'm guessing that's "her".
Okay, I think you have two options here for slowing down this second half.
1. You could have the first chapter be the the MC getting used to heaven and trying to figure everything out and struggling because he realizes things are exactly as they are on earth. (Kind of like what I mentioned earlier). Then in the second chapter he seeks out something different and runs into Shin and then Shin ends up giving him this proposal.
2. If you really want to keep Shin in the first chapter, I would give a reason as to why they meet. Did Shin seek him out? Does Shin prey on young boys? Why does Shin choose him? I would develop that a little more to make it seem like more than a chance encounter between the two of them.
I think you have a really interesting opening here and I would be happy to continue reading/following as you post more if you're looking for people to do that! And please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
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